SEASON 23/24 PREMIER LEAGUE MATCH REPORTS AND STUFF
premier league game 1 august 12th 2023
The Grand Arse 2
Nketiah 26, Saka 32
Nottingham Forest 1 Awoniyi 82
12 TRUE THINGS WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS MATCH
Most sports/media outlets cast doubt on whether Forest actually turned up for this match. One or two mention a Forest goal, but only because without it the scoreline would make no sense. It is therefore our duty to put stuff right and say 12 things what really happened in this match.
1.
The game was delayed for half an hour or so because some fat joker called Denzil got himself wedged in a turnstile and jammed up the whole entry system. The tragedy of Denzil's fate has been covered up by some corporate nonsense about "software failure".
2.
Brennan Johnson cocked up a glorious chance to open the scoring early on because he had been instructed to show Spurs just how rubbish he really was.
3.
The Grand Arse's first goal, a deflected strike from Nketiah, finally woke up the Grand Arse fans, who had spent the first twenty minutes of the match harvesting cheese from each other's feet.
4.
Six minutes after Nketiah's goal, a strike from Saka went down in history as the most hyperbolised event since God invented Sky. See 9.
5.
Forest spent the rest of the first half failing to kick the wadding out of the opposition as Mister Cooper had asked them to do. Experts have put this reticence down to their away kit, whose stripey wierdness carried all the threat of a peppermint Spangle. Mmm Spangles.
6.
According to reports, the half time whistle came at the wrong time for the hosts. Obviously this was because the match had started at the wrong time, but try explaining that to a Cockney.
7.
Several of the new disciplinary rules made themselves evident
during the match. For example, the match shall only be stopped in the event of a head injury or if thirty eight million pounds worth of Timber falls to earth. Managers shall conduct themselves in a reasonable manner except for Arteta who can prance around like the devil's mannequin. And VAR hand ball checks shall not be applied to players who cost £105m which is broken down into an initial payment of £100m, to be paid over 24 months, with £5m in add-ons, which are £1m every time Arsenal qualify for the Champions League and Rice starts 60 per cent of games.
8.
New signing Matt Turner acquitted himself well when called upon. One save from a wickedly deflected Rice shot was a remarkable display of cat-like agility, and would have been described as "stunning" had that word not been appropriated solely for the use of describing Saka's goal which was the most stunning thing ever experienced in the anals of tabloid history...
9.
...but nowhere near, in all honesty, as stunning as the goal Forest scored in the 82nd minute. That was properly stunning, not some fancy dan flukery but a breathtaking display of power, speed and accuracy from Elanga and Taiwo which left Grand Arse defenders blowing like old men's farts and the Grand Arse faithful stunned good and proper. That's what stunning means, after all.
10.
Forest might have equalised, but MGW still can't shoot.
11.
All those Forest fans who committed suicide during half time were left regretting their decision as they failed to see Forest put the wind up the Grand Arse and give them the fright of their lives. The Grand Arse, remember, see themselves as title contenders, but no amount of media worship can cover up the fact that lowly Forest made life very uncomfortable for them. Surviving Forest fans were genuinely optimistic about the future. Grand Arse fans only pretended to be.
12.
What the hell is a Variable Speed Limit?
premier league game 2 august 18th 2023
Nottingham Forest 2
Awoniyi 3, Wood 89
The Undead 1 Hamer 48
I don't know whether you remember, Stress, but many, many years ago we went to a match in League One, I think, which you described as a shit sandwich.
Hang on a minute, I don't remember that.
Nevertheless it is true, sir. I recall your description not only because of its foul-mouthed vividness but also because it was so accurate. The match indeed had begun well, deteriorated into a mess of faeces, and ended on a bright note. A shit sandwich.
Still don't remember saying that.
I mention this because, all these years later, we've just witnessed a match which could equally be described in those terms.
You're right there, Pie. Not about me saying rude stuff, but about the match being a shit sandwich. But then, any match against Paul Dickinbottom's Undead was always going to be an ugly affair, wasn't it?
But it was Forest's fault wasn't it? I mean, the start...
Brennan all over them like a rash, back to Mad Surge, wicked cross to find Taiwo between two defenders, goal! What a start indeed, Pie. Scored before you finished that argument you were having with the bloke in the wrong seat.
...the start was incredible, but we scored too early. I said so at the time. Don't get too excited, I said. Forest are a team that prospers against the odds. They can't cope with being on top. And look what happened.
Yes, Taiwo and Neco nearly scored from two more top crosses from Mad Surge.
Okay okay, we were on top for a while, but gradually the passes started going astray, the flicks didn't come off, the attacking intensity dwindled, the defence started looking a bit twitchy. It's Serge by the way, not Surge.
They lulled us, Pie. Paul Dickinbottom's Undead were so rubbish they lulled Forest into a false sense of security. Plus the referee was as bent as a docker's bollock.
I don't know what that means, Stress, but I'm prepared to take your word for it. Sadly, Forest's decline continued into the second half, and it wasn't long before Hamer equalised for The Undead with a spectacular strike.
Another jammy goal, Pie, like the Arse jammy goals. Forest keep giving teams too much time to line up shots just outside the area, but to be punished by deflections and world class flukes is a bit hard, imho.
Anyway, we waded through the slurry part of the sandwich until you became convinced we were heading towards a defeat.
I don't remember that, Pie.
"We're going to lose this," you said.
I have no recollection of these things.
"We're going to lose to a bunch of zombies and their snake-eyed manager," you said.
This means nothing to me, o Vienna.
"And look who's coming on," you said. "Old Deadwood himself." That's what you said, Stress. Terrible things. Shameful things.
These words I do not recognize, Fatso. But if I did say them, which I didn't, I was not the only one who did or didn't say them. Many people's hearts sank at the sight of The Man In The Iron Boots, including yours, I dare say.
Not really, Stress. Because I read the game so well, I sensed immediately that Wood looked sharp and hungry. It came as no surprise to me when he guided Aurier's cross into the net for a superb 89th minute winner. I knew this because this shit sandwich of a match had to be topped by a tasty slice of bread. And what a roar as the goal went in, eh Stress? It was like a cannon going off.
It made you wonder which was best, Pie - humiliating Paul Dickinbottom's Undead by scoring five or six goals, or infuriating them by scraping a last minute win. I think I prefer sending them home really really angry.
Washed all the way home by a tidal wave of noise from the world famous City Ground, eh Stress?
A mighty serge indeed, Pie. If I know anything about football, ManUre will be quaking in their boots.
This film has a very famous ending. The line "Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown" is uttered by Lawrence Walsh (Joe Mantell), the partner of Jack Nicholson's sardonic private eye Jake Gittes, after Jake's love interest Evelyn (Faye Dunaway) gets shot to death by the police. You'll have to watch the film to get the full story, but the thing is, the good get f***ed while the bad get away with all sorts of corruption, and there's absolutely nothing the good people can do about it. Chinatown is the place where corruption is taken for granted, and protests are in vain. Bleak stuff.
For Chinatown, read Old Trafford.
The match itself began with a farcical display of ManUre's uselessness in midfield and defence. A bungled passing sequence left Taiwo free to run on goal, pursued by, of all people, Rashford.
Rashford bounced off the Forest forward, the ManUre goalkeeper fell over, and Taiwo prodded it home. Surprisingly, the goal was allowed to stand, despite the fact that not all the ManUre fans had taken their seats.
The second goal was equally comical. A corner from MGW skimmed Worrall's hair before hitting WillyBoly's head and ending up in the back of the net. No ManUre player seemed interested in defending the set piece. Surprisingly, the goal was allowed to stand, despite ManUre claims that they weren't ready because they didn't feel very well.
Forest were two up inside three minutes. The ManUre supporters went sickly quiet. The Forest supporters were boisterously loud. Forest repeatedly threatened with pacy counter-attacks, and had they taken one of the opportunities they created, they would have been singing in heaven. As it was, a different script had been written, probably by the Devil himself.
ManUre got one back when Rashford crossed from the left and the partially visible Eriksen brushed it home with the outside of his right foot, the kind of finish you see in a 5-a-side game from somebody with no left foot.
It was at this point that you began to fear for Forest. Not because they were playing badly, because they weren't. Not because ManUre were far superior, because they weren't. It was because this was Chinatown. In the film, Jake Gittes says that when he was a police officer in Chinatown, he tried to do as little as possible because everything was so corrupt that he couldn’t tell if he was doing any good. So at Old Trafford, the fear was that, one way or another, whatever Forest did, they were not going to be allowed to win, and there was a bleak inevitability about how this was going to happen.
Early in the second half the butt-faced Casemiro equalised for ManUre. If earlier interpretations of the off-side rule had been applied, the goal would not have stood, but at least 2-2 was a fair enough score to take from Old Trafford, until you remembered where we were. As one lad put it, "Now we just wait for the Man U penalty."
He wasn't far wrong. The sending off came first. Fernandes was "hauled" down by Joe Worrall, and the ref's red card was out almost before Fernandes had hit the floor. The fact that WillyBoly was covering was not even considered. It looked like referee Attwell was itching to give the home side an advantage, but that couldn't possibly be true.
Eventually, inevitably, came the penalty. Again, the ref awarded the spot kick, despite his blocked view, almost before the flying Rashford had hit the turf after brushing Danilo's thigh. Martin Keown's view on the penalty was honest and forthright: "I wondered whether it is a moment where you think, Did they actually see it? I cannot believe that the officials have come to that decision and awarded a penalty. I look forward to the day where the officials can communicate their decisions to us, and explain their workings out in the VAR room."
Forget it, Martin. It's Old Trafford.
And Steve Cooper, biting his tongue after the match: "I just think in games like these you need a bit, I don't even want to say good luck, to go your way, just things to go as they should. I don't want to get myself in trouble but the one thing I am surprised about is how quickly the decisions were made. On decisions that can define a game you tend to see referees take a bit more time particularly at the top level.
"There was a decision to make that is plain to see. I was just surprised how quickly... It was split-second stuff. You just need things to go your way. I am biting my tongue, to be honest, in terms of what I really feel. Of course, they were defining moments in the game."
Forget it, Steve. It's Old Trafford.
It's not just Old Trafford though, is it? It's virtually the entire football/media establishment. In almost all match reports, there is no mention of Forest's ten men pushing bravely for an equaliser which they almost got, nor are the controversial issues addressed, even though everybody in their hearts knows that weak referees bend to Old Trafford's will, and have done for years.
Still, Forest came away with a bucket load of pride. All the ManUre fans were left with was an itchy conscience and some feeble protest about somebody they didn't like for reasons they couldn't remember.
We'll meet them again soon, anyway.
Forget it, ten Hats. It's the City Ground.
premier league game 4 september 2nd 2023
Chelsea Dodgers 0
Nottingham Forest 1 Elanga 48
WE SHALL BE MIGHTY
Go on, admit it. The manic events of Friday provided you with the perfect excuse for pretending not to care too much about the Chelsea game. We would probably lose, you said, but it didn't matter because our strengthened squad would soon start picking up points.
The actual match, however, proved you to be a deluded idiot. Perhaps your mental processes were damaged by staying up past midnight waiting for Sangare, but you'd obviously forgotten that the "this match doesn't matter" excuse has always been rubbish. The Caribou Cup defeat to the Shy Moor Folk hurt a great deal for a match that didn't matter. And so the nearer you got to the game, the more your feigned indifference thinned away to be replaced by the usual pre-match jitters. You looked at the remnants of Forest's central defence - Boly, McKenna and a grieving Worrall - and imagined them being shredded by Sterling & co. As the match kicked off, it was close your eyes time, and hope for divine intervention.
Pretty quickly it became clear that God wasn't going to provide any help at all. On two minutes, Jackson bottled a good opportunity to shoot. Then Chilwell crossed to give Sterling the chance of an easy finish until Aina snapped in with a brilliantly timed challenge to clear the danger. Chilwell and Sterling provided more chances for Jackson, but the £32M man wasn't having a good day. Gallagher, who you always suspected was rubbish, curled one wide, as did Fernandes. Jackson threatened again, but Worrall hunted him down, forced him wide, and blocked his final effort.
Chelsea were on top, of course they were, but it dawned on you that things weren't as bad as you had feared. The defence was looking robust and sharply drilled. Forest threatened from set pieces. Taiwo was giving the Chelsea defence the squits, and almost scored with a clever right hook. Worrall blazed over after more Chelsea defensive chaos. No, being "on top" didn't mean anything, really, against a side bristling with defensive craft and determination. Being on top of a crocodile isn't to be recommended, after all.
You began to breathe more easily, didn't you? Until right at the end of the first half, when Danilo pulled up with what appeared to be a hamstring injury. That sinking feeling came back. Why was Danilo playing at all? Why had Forest suffered so many injuries already? Why hadn't the medical and conditioning teams been taken out and shot, as had been promised? Another top player out for a while. Forest were surely cursed. Not only was God not helping, he was actually conspiring against them. The abominably cruel fixture list, the corruption of referees, now more injuries - God seemed determined to test Forest to destruction. You knew this was probably sloppy thinking, but you couldn't help it. Anyway, Danilo was replaced by Elanga, and the first half finished.
Early in the second half, Forest scored. Chelsea's Gallagher, who you always suspected was rubbish, and Caicedo, who may well turn out to be £115M worth of rubbish , combined to gift the ball to Taiwo. Taiwo passed to Elanga by nutmegging Silva, and Elanga sidefooted the ball home, wheeling away in celebration almost as soon as it left his right foot.
You were very happy then, weren't you, but still tortured by nagging doubts about what might happen next. Forest had pushed the Grand Arse to their limits, had gone 2 up against ManUre, but had narrowly lost both. You tried to kid yourself that Forest's discipline and the joyful support of the away fans would see them home this time, but you had your doubts.
Those doubts, in fact, proved to be unfounded. The Forest defence simply got stronger, Chelsea threats, despite their attempts to look cool, got more desperate. Time and time again Chelsea moved the ball towards and into the Forest area, only to lose it through a poor touch or a piece of calculated violence from a Forest defender. Chelsea began to try the diving method, the pretending-to-be-interfered-with method, the mardy-brushing-past-the-referee method, but none of it disturbed the red wall.
Even Chelsea's so-called miss of the season wasn't as dangerous as it might have looked. Joe Worrall's touch on Sterling's cut back caused the ball to land short and catch Jackson slightly unprepared. The forward, not trusting his left foot, stretched forward with his right which made it almost inevitable that his shot would balloon upwards over the bar. And so ended Chelsea's final chance.
But not Forest's. Elanga, having scored, seemed determined to emphasise the contribution he could make, given the chance. Twice already he had surged forward only to make a final wrong decision. In added time he did the same, but this time he did it with a flourish which left Chelsea defenders bamboozled and everybody else gobsmacked. It was the best piece of skill in the whole game, and you concluded that Forest were, indeed, magic, on and off the pitch.
The only pity of the thing was that you started saying stupid stuff, like Forest were going for Europe. And then a pompous friend of yours said "We shall be mighty again", because he, like you, was a deluded idiot.
People never learn, do they?
premier league game 5 september 18th 2023
Nottingham Forest 1
Hudson-Odoi 61
Shy Moor Folk 1 Amdouni 41, Foster 90+4
This game had that "let's start all over again" feeling about it. Another transfer window, another bunch of signings, another team which, by force of circumstance, was made up of players who barely knew each other and who had had little time to understand their roles. Little wonder the performance came across as an exercise in dislocation. The crowd too didn't help much. Forest crowds feed off reputation - the bigger the opposition's reputation, the more fervent the Forest support. Against teams like the Undead and the Shy Moor Folk - teams with virtually no status to speak of - rip-roaring defiance is replaced by uncertainty, and support becomes patchy.
Anyway, we don't do player ratings, but if we did, they would look something like this:
Matt Turner : Splendid performance from a man who was recently pregnant. Perhaps he could rally his defence more effectively, but it's difficult when certain members of that defence are so dumb. Still, made some very smart saves, and performed as a first choice goalkeeper should. Rating: Sherbert Dip.
Gonzalo Montiel : Pretty crap really. Got skinned a lot, gave the ball away, got booked, that kind of thing. His best days may be behind him, possibly in his arse. He was taken off early in the second half, never to be seen again. Rating: Chocolate Covered Cotton.
Joe Worrall : Got completely razored for the Moor Folk goal, but to be fair he was covering for our absent right back. Probably influential enough to keep his place for now, but needs more, better and faster partners at the back. Rating: Pineapple Chunks.
Scott McKenna : Oh dear. Got caned, probably fairly, for letting Berge brush past him and create that disallowed goal, but he should never have been isolated like that, and Berge was manoeuvring the ball with his upper left arm, so perhaps we shouldn't be too hard on him. Better in a central three. Pretty scary in a two. Rating: Anything made with barley sugar.
Ola Aina : A reassuringly tremendous performance from a man whose name we're still not sure how to pronounce - is it Aina as in trainer, or Aina as in Hyena? Perhaps we'll never know. Anyway, sharp in defence and accurate going forward, he deserves the prize confection. Rating: Butterkist Sweet Popcorn. Definitely sweet, not salt or toffee.
Orel Mangala : Got booked for being Belgian or something which kind of hampered him a bit, but still played well enough in a newly mixed midfield. It's his new team mates who will have to settle, not him. He's fine. Rating: Pear Drops, which predictive text insisted was Pearson Drops, until it learned better.
Ibrahim Sangaré : The quality's there, though it won't blossom until he gets used to his team mates and the pace of Premier League action. Got caught out a time or two - Scott McKenna, ironically, saved his bacon late on - but there were good signs - smart interceptions, a thumping tackle or two, and a clever cross to Taiwo in the build up to Forest's goal. His influence will undoubtedly grow. Rating: Roasted Nut Rings.
Callum Hudson-Odoi : Wow. That goal should be framed and hung round somebody at Chelsea's neck. If he can keep his head while all about are losing theirs, he will have a great future at Forest. And all for three million pounds plus change. Rating: Barratt Candy Foam Shrimps.
Morgan Gibbs-White : If you try to do everything at a thousand miles per hour, don't be surprised if you end up leaving your legs behind, or the ball. Morgan is still waiting for his brain to catch up with him. Rating: Parma Violets. Or Parmalat Violets.
Anthony Elanga : Not sure this bloke should be a starter, but Coops wanted high width and pace, so in he came. Did ok - contributed energetically early on to Forest's attacking efforts, produced a save, lost the ball once, that sort of thing. He's probably better at counter-attacking from deep than pushing up high. Rating: Sweet Tobacco.
Taiwo Awoniyi : Very good, again. Always threatening, had a fine shot blocked, controlled Sangaré's cross with consummate ease to set up CHO's goal. Probably prefers a bit more space, but always terrifies the opposition. Rating: Sherbert Flying Saucers.
Nuno Tavares (for Montiel, 54mins) : Helped to make things more solid at the back, like Immodium. Rating: Rolo.
Ryan Yates (for Mangala, 71mins) : Should have been on from the start. Bit the usual number of legs, and wound Foster up so much the poor lad couldn't resist a flailed elbow and a red card. Rating: McGowan Highland Toffee.
Divock Origi (for Hudson-Odoi, 71mins) : By the time this young man came on, Forest were a bit puddled, so he didn't get much of a chance to affect things. Rating: Aniseed Balls.
Chris Wood (for Awoniyi, 88mins) : Came on, took up a Chris Wood sized space, went off. Rating: Pork Scratchings.
P.S. Those opinionated idiots on Sky seem to think that football's primary purpose is to provide them with a living, and VAR was invented for them to analyse like mouthy drunks. None of these things are true. Except the drunks stuff. What a bunch of clowns they are, allegedly.
premier league game 6 september 23rd 2023
Manchester City Laundry 2
Foden 7, Haaland 14, Rodri 46
Nottingham Forest 0
Good grief you've got to admire the ManCity boys. They are by far the best team in England, in Europe, in the world, maybe even in history. It seems clear now that God put them on this earth to please mankind, and as such they should be worshipped, and sacrifices made to their eternal glory.
What the...?
The latest sacrifice was Nottingham Forest, a newly assembled brigade who never quite understood their role in a stadium which the locals call The Abbatoir.
Do they, Pie? Do they actually call it The Abbatoir? Not The Library, or The Theatre of Cynical Violence Underlying A Sense Of Smug Entltlement?
Steve Cooper's team selection made it obvious that the plan was to defend and frustrate, in the hope that eventually Forest could bring on some speedsters and nick something on the break. As it was, the static uncertainty of the Forest defence allowed the ManCity boys to perform their ritual humiliation almost without hindrance.
They do that, don't they Pie? Their aim is not just to beat their opponents, but to humiliate them. Because they are arrogant bustards, that's why.
In the first seven minutes, Forest had two touches, one of them from goalkeeper Turner, while the ManCity boys managed a truly magnificent 48 passes. The 49th was a firmly thumped opener from Foden.
That Foden's an odd looking bloke, isn't he Pie? All basin cut and caterpillar eyebrows. How old is he? Six?
The second goal came when all of Forest's three centre backs, obviously bamboozled by the ManCity boys' superiority in every department, left the predatory Erling Haarland unmarked in the box. Haarland leapt high and doubled City's lead.
That Haarland's an odd looking bloke, isn't he Pie? He looks like a huge prehistoric crab monster, like the one Arnold Schwarzenegger blew up in the film Predator.
The humiliation was on course. One goal every ten minutes meant the game would likely finish ten nil to the best team in the world ever. But somehow the hapless Forest scrapped their way to half time without conceding again, thanks mainly to the ManCity boys' reluctance to exert themselves unnecessarily against such woeful opposition.
They got sloppy though, didn't they Pie? They got sloppy because Forest got more aggressive. Forest said "Sod this for a game of soldiers" and got more aggressive. The City Boys didn't like it. The arrogant bustards don't like being challenged, do they Pie?
You do understand what I'm doing, don't you Stress?
Of course I may.
I'm being deeply ironic, by reflecting and exaggerating the pundits' drooling adoration of Guardiola and his men. You do understand that, don't you?
It may not be completely obvious to me, but my friend Mister Thumb understands every word you say.
Good.
So when I describe the second half as a scrappy affair in which, despite the grossly unfair dismissal of Rodri and despite Forest's bombardment of City's box, the home side were barely troubled, you understand that I am only reflecting the media's unwillingness to accept that Forest made any contribution to the match at all.
Ah, that's where you're wrong, Pie.
Rodri's red card wasn't unfair. He lost his temper cos things weren't going City's way.
Yes, I realise that...
Cos Guardiola had obviously been barking at them like an alehouse dog, so they were all wound up. And Rodri just lost it.
Yes, quite probably, but I ...
Guardiola's a funny bloke, isn't he Pie? He's been in this country for ages but doesn't think he needs to talk English proper. People are so scared of him they daren't say stuff like "You make no sense" or "Are you speaking Klingon?" or "Why is your brand of gruesomely unexciting football entirely dependent on the amount of money spent on it?" or "Why do you bark like an alehouse dog? Are you an alehouse dog, or just mental?
I think that's enough now, Stress.
But you haven't mentioned how much Forest rattled them in the second half or how good Dominguez looked or how City fell back on diving and time wasting to "manage the game" or how the ref felt it necessary to compensate for Rodri's red by dishing out seven Forest yellows, or what an obnoxious piece of work is Jack Greaselick...
Enough. We all know the truth of things, Stress. It's just that some of us prefer a more subtly ironic approach to its telling.
I understand almost nothing of what you say, Pie, but I do know that when that lot come to the City Ground, we shall grind them to mincemeat and weep not a tear when the rats move in.
You illustrate my point perfectly, Stress. Well done.
Brent Ford's XI next, Pie. We shall grind them to mincemeat and weep not a tear when the rats move in.
You're repeating yourself.
I'm what?
You're repeating yourself.
Ha ha! Mine's a pint, landlord, and a small gin for my friend Mister Thumb.
And a year's supply of Speckled Hen to the first person who writes in to tell us that Schwarzenegger didn't blow up the predator, the predator blew himself up. Cheers.
premier league game 7 october 1st 2023
Nottingham Forest 1
Dominguez 65, Niakhate 56
Brent Ford's XI 1 Noorgaard 58
8 Ways To Support Forest And Remain Sane
1. Avoid watching them if you can. Watching Forest is a waking nightmare, and it's terrible because each nightmare is different. In this match for example we were presented with another rejigged team, including a beefy youn g newcomer, with a greater focus on possession. The nightmare was that Forest struggled to achieve anything because there wasn't enough movement up front and everything kind of seized up, paving the way for Forest's habitual second half nap, Moussa's sending off, a Brent Ford goal and, even after a Forest equaliser, enough added time to sink a battleship.
2. Avoid reading the kind of overcooked nonsense that cropped up in paragraph 1 above. There may have been some nightmarish moments in the match, but it was one of those nightmares you wake up from and realise that everything is all right. Murillo did fine in the end. Dominguez scored a startling equaliser. The defence and midfield were powerful and brave, and Turner managed not to throw the ball into his own net.
3. Forget VAR, it's beginning to look like a bad egg with a pretty limited future. People tend to think of VAR as a piece of software, but it's not. The Video Assistant Referee is a human being. So the system has the potential to fail on two levels. Firstly, everybody knows that human beings make mistakes, all the time. Secondly, the cameras used in the var system run at fifty frames per second, and in a close offside call, it has to be a human being who has to decide in which frame contact is made for the forward pass. Getting this judgement wrong by one fiftieth of a second will alter the position of the computer generated lines leading to an untrustworthy offside/onside decision. Have you never looked at the lines and thought "that seems pretty crude evidence for a match changing decision" ? You realise the system is becoming hairline stupid when you read statements like this: "From the 2021/22 season, the process was tweaked as part of an adjustment to the implementation of VAR. Firstly, for marginal offside decisions, after the one-pixel lines are applied, the VAR puts on the thicker broadcast lines and where they overlap, those situations will now be deemed as onside." We're obviously not dealing with real life any more, but some warped virtual reality which makes arbitrary distinctions between Forest's "offside" goal and Brent Ford's "onside" goal, and reduces Moussa's tackle from an accident to a slow motion horror show. And that's enough about that.
4. Avoid miserable buggers. Forest's return to the top flight has seen the recruitment of many new fans, especially on social media. Some of these fans are miserable buggers who think that being a miserable bugger will make them big fish in a little pond. So during the Brent Ford match you could read comments like "Murillo is w*nk", "That selection is crap", "Cooper has lost it", "We look like a relegation team", and many more. If you do read comments like these and they upset you, you should be reassured by the knowledge that these people are most probably sad bed-wetters from down the road.
5. Stick to sites which actually support the team, like us. Supporting a team means offering unwavering and heavily biased support, except if the manager is Megson. So we can assure you here and now that, based on this performance, this Forest squad will do great things. Turner may have to sharpen up, or even take a break, but everyone else was fine. Murillo's distribution was wayward to start with, but as his confidence grew his defensive qualities shone through. He even managed a tricky run down the left at one point. Niakhate was good though not a left back - Cooper out. Aurier bombed forward occasionally but showed great defensive discipline when Forest went down to ten. Dominguez scored a terrific equaliser, was generally tremendous, and got himself injured. Sangare showed he is beginning to control things, and Mangala completed a real powerhouse of a midfield. The forwards showed promise, but either need time to refine relationships, or simply needed the energy of Morgan Gibbs-White, who should have been on from the start (Cooper out, etc). Willy Boly was magnificent, as was Toffolo, who played like a man on fire.
6. Don't believe anybody who says they weren't proud of Forest after the match. To be on the wrong end of so many breaks, to endure a ludicrous 13 minutes of added time with ten men, and yet still have the guts to create chances, spoke volumes about the squad's spirit.
7. Be aware that this Brent Ford XI can only wane, and this Forest side can only wax. You know exactly what we mean.
8. Make time for the people you love, and smile. If you still feel stressed, have you ever thought about cutting out all those worthy-cause whiners and sending your money straight to somebody you don't know for no reason at all? Well here's the answer to your prayers. Just send an amount of your choosing to us at The Real Nottingham Forest Supporter and avoid all the emotional blackmail you're so tired of. Find us on the Web. Do it now.
premier league game 8 october 7th 2023
Crystal Palearse 0
Nottingham Forest 0
Forest's performance at Selhurst Park was of such quality that several of the incidents in the 0-0 draw were turned into films. Here are some of them.
Gambling Man
This short film tells the story of Harry Toffolo, who in two matches went from being a betting-addicted ne'er-do-well to a high quality Premier League left back. The film features footage of Harry's tackles, crosses, and the 35 Yard piledriver which shattered both Sam Johnstone's wrists.
Murillo's Run
This film depicts the exploits of 21 year old Brazilian defender Murillo Santiago Costa dos Santos, whose performance in this match elevated him from a misspelt youth to the status of global superstar. Watch out for his pin-point long passes, but especially his mesmerising high speed slalom through the Palearse defence which led to the finest almost-goal ever seen.
Interspatial
The strange tale of super hero Morgan Gibbs-White, who lives in two parallel universes at the same time.. In one he is giving the ball away through cleverdickery , in the other he is converting a high pass into the most exquisitely delicate lob over the goalkeeper only to watch the ball come back off the post to become the finest almost-goal ever seen.
The Invisible Man
A remake of the classic H. G. Wells' story in which Barcelona-bound Will Hughes becomes semi-transparent, disappears altogether, and finally becomes as insubstantial as a ghost. Watch as Murillo passes him as one might brush through a dandelion clock.
The Palace Diaries
To be shown as a double feature with 'The Invisible Man', this is a slapstick comedy featuring hilarious miscues from Palearse's Ayew and Mateta. Not to be missed, so to speak.
The Professionals
Western. Two hired gunmen, Dominguez and Sangaré, are brought in to clean up Forest's midfield. After a cautious start, their professionalism leads to a wholesale restructuring of Forest's playing style and almost total domination of opposing teams. Contains scenes of increasingly bloody carnage.
Blameless
The disturbing story of Chris Wood, whose lack of meaningful contribution always seems to be the responsibility of others, while cynical minds have concluded that he would only be any good if he was somebody else. But Chris has to come good while Taiwo is injured. Can he rise to the challenge? Probably not.
Roy
The amazing story of veteran footballing guru Roy Hodgson, who lives in a cauliflower patch and farms guinea pigs. In his spare time, he imagines himself to be manager of Crystal Palearse, but his doubters point to his wayward commitment to training and his curiously off-the-point post match interviews. Will Roy continue to prove them wrong? God knows. The film is four hours long.
Point Break A short film which traces the heroic exploits of Crystal Palearse goalkeeper Sam Johnstone, who single handedly kept Nottingham Forest at bay despite fractures to his fingers and wrists and two dislocated shoulders which he replaced himself during a brief lull in play. Late shots from Dominguez and Montiel led to a punctured left lung, but Johnstone soldiered on until the end, when manager Roy Hodgson hugged him and punctured the right one.
Miracle Man A film about the impact of Forest manager Steve Cooper, who ...
...well, you know the rest. Have a restful International Breakage, and let's hope there are no more injuries.
premier league game 9 october 21st 2023
Nottingham Forest 2
Wood 48, 76
Luton Beds 2 Ogbene 83, Adebayo 90+2
AT PIE MANSIONS...
What on earth's the matter with you, Vetch? You look dreadful.
That's kind of you to say, sir.
No I mean, really dreadful, like something on a fishmonger's slab. A cod, for example.
I'm sorry that my appearance displeases you, sir, but I have to say that yesterday was a very bad day for me.
A very bad day for all of us, Vetch. To throw away the lead like that in the dying minutes was very disappointing, but that's no reason to look like a cod.
I beg to differ, sir. It was worse than disappointing. It was a disgrace.
Disgrace, Vetch? No, sir, disgrace was what Captain Hugo Spittle brought on his regiment when he was found naked in Lady Feltham's carpery.
Yes sir, but...
But me no buts, Vetch, the word disgrace is entirely inappropriate after such a sterling effort. Although one can't help feeling that a victory might well have been secured had more of the players attended the right schools, don't you know.
Schools, sir?
I think you know what I mean, Vetch. Public schools - the breeding ground of rugby excellence. Yes, the present crowd put up a fine effort, but perhaps a gaggle of comprehensive school upstarts were never going to cut the mustard.
Ah - you're talking about England's narrow defeat to South Africa in the Rugby World Cup, sir.
Well of course I am, Vetch. I'm certainly not talking about England's 229 run defeat to South Africa in the Cricket World Cup. Now that was a disgrace.
I think we may well have been talking at cross purposes, sir. My bad day was caused by Nottingham Forest throwing away a two goal lead to the mighty Luton Beds at the City Ground.
Oh that. Manager's fault. Rule number one: failure to beat any team from Bedfordshire is bound to be the manager's fault.
That seems a little harsh, sir. Forest played well for the most part. The much maligned Chris Wood actually scored twice.
And missed three more, I hear. Poor coaching, Vetch, poor coaching.
You can't surely blame the manager for individual mistakes, sir. Sangares miss, Aurier's blunder, Worrall's defensive ineptitude ... these things were out of Mister Cooper's control, surely.
That's what Captain Hugo Spittle said about his crucian carp fetish. That's what they said about that fellow Hugeton and various other managers - "You can't hold the manager responsible for individual mistakes," they say, over and over again, even if each manager insists on recruiting a bag of broken biscuits. But what you have to remember, Vetch, is that football matches are simply scores of individual mistakes sewn together into a hundred minute quilt. And managers still get sacked, because they have to take responsibility for that quilt, especially if that quilt develops holes where nanny dripped candlewax on it. What's that you say?
Nothing, sir. Perhaps it was the wind in the outside toilet.
I could have sworn you said something, Vetch. But what were we talking about? Ah yes, I remember. You were whining about dropping two points to Luton Beds, I suggested sacking Mister Cooper, then you started rambling on about quilts.
Erm, something like that, sir.
Well all I can suggest is, if you're set against sacking Mister Cooper, you must learn to treat setbacks with the kind of steel exhibited by Private Charlie Charles, who spent three weeks searching for his severed leg in the Dolomites. You wouldn't catch him whining about being six points clear of the relegation zone, even if you found him.
If you say so, sir.
Phlegm, Vetch, phlegm is what's needed. The truly English ability to spit in the face of disaster.
Like the Rugby World Cup? Or the Cricket World Cup?
Exactly Vetch. Couldn't care less. There are far more important issues in this terrible world of ours.
Indeed there are, sir.
Like my breakfast. Where is it?
I'm sorry, sir, but before I prepare it, I feel I must offer you my sincere thanks for your reassuring advice, so that my fellow fans and I may approach the game against Liverpool with renewed confidence.
Oh get on with it, Vetch. Everybody knows that Liverpool will batter your team to a sticky pulp, so confidence doesn't come into it.
I'm sorry, sir, you're quite right. Admitting that Forest are rubbish, will lose every game, and are heading for relegation, is obviously the way to go.
No, Vetch, the way to go is to the kitchen, where two eggs are waiting to be soft boiled and two slices of granary bread are waiting to be buttered.
Right away, sir.
premier league game 10 october 29th 2023
The Grand Poo 3
Jota 31, Nunez 35, Salah 77
Nottingham Forest 0
Phone In
Here's Raymond from Tuxford on the line. What's on your mind, Raymond?
HE'S GOT TO GO, DAVE. THAT WAS A DISGRACE.
Sack the manager, eh Raymond?
SACKING'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. HE SHOULD BE DEPORTED.
Where to, Raymond?
I DON'T CARE - RWANDA, WALES, ANYWHERE.
A bit harsh, Raymond...
DID YOU SEE THE TEAM HE PICKED? WHERE WAS THE AMBITION, WHERE WAS THE CREATIVE THRUST, WHERE WAS THE FORWARD THREAT?
Most of it was injured...
EXACTLY DAVE. DO YOU REALISE, SINCE COOPER CAME, FOREST HAVE HAD MORE INJURED PLAYERS THAN ANY OTHER CLUB IN HISTORY PUT TOGETHER? HE'S TURNED THIS CLUB INTO A SKIP, THAT'S WHAT HE'S DONE.
But Liverpool were simply better than us, Raymond...
EVERYBODY'S BETTER THAN US, DAVE. THIS IS THE SIDE THAT COULDN'T EVEN HANG ON AGAINST LUTON FOR GOD'S SAKE. THIS IS A SIDE THAT CAN'T DEFEND, CAN'T PASS, CAN'T CROSS, CAN'T SHOOT, CAN'T SCORE. IT PROBABLY CAN'T EVEN WIPE ITS OWN BUM. HE'S BROUGHT IN A BILLION POUNDS WORTH OF PLAYERS I'VE NEVER HEARD OF, ALL OF THEM WITH BROKEN LEGS, AND TURNED US INTO A LAUGHING STOCK. HE'S POISONED THIS CLUB DAVE, POISONED IT.
You're talking about the man who took us back into the Premier League, Raymond.
AND LOOK WHERE IT'S GOT US. I DON'T REMEMBER ANYONE ASKING ME WHETHER I WANTED TO BE IN THE PREMIER LEAGUE. I WAS QUITE HAPPY WITH FOREST BEING A MEDIOCRE CHAMPIONSHIP SIDE THANK YOU VERY MUCH. BUT THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR MISTER COOPER, IS IT? NO, HE FLUKES A WIN AGAINST HUDDERSFIELD AT WEMBLEY AND HERE WE ARE, IN THE LAND OF A MILLION EXPENSIVE HEART ATTACKS. BRING BACK CHRIS HUGHTON, IS WHAT I SAY.
Oh come on, Raymond, you can't be serious.
NEVER MORE SO, DAVE. CHRIS HUGHTON WOULD TAKE US BACK WHERE WE BELONG. NO MORE MATCH OF THE DAY, NO MORE PUBLIC HUMILIATION, NO MORE OBSCENE AMOUNTS OF MONEY. A PLACE WHERE YATESY WOULD START EVERY GAME.
But...
YOU MARK MY WORDS, DAVE, ONCE WE GET BUTCHERED BY THE VILLA BOYS, COOPER'S HEAD WILL BE TOAST. BRING BACK CHRIS HUGHTON, WILL BE THE CRY ON EVERYBODY'S LIPS.
Just as a matter of interest, Raymond, did you actually go to Anfield?
I'M PROUD TO SAY I'VE NEVER BEEN TO THAT PLACE, NOR NEVER WILL.
So when did you last watch Forest?
THAT'S A PRETTY HURTFUL IMPLICATION THERE, DAVE. I DIDN'T COME ON HERE TO BE INSULTED, YOU KNOW. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I IMPLIED YOU DROVE AN UNINSURED CAR?
I don't have a car, Raymond.
IF YOU SAY SO, DAVE.
I think it's time for the next caller. And it's Jason from Newark. Hi, Jason.
HI, DAVE. IT'S A CONSPIRACY, THAT'S WHAT IT IS. IT'S A PLOT CONTRIVED BY AN UNHOLY ALLIANCE OF THE GREEK ORTHODOX CHURCH AND THE WELSH PRESBYTERIANS TO RUIN NOTTINGHAM FOREST FOOTBALL CLUB.
That's still you, isn't it Raymond?
NO, THIS IS DEFINITELY JASON FROM NEWARK. BUT I DO AGREE WITH MANY OF THE VIEWS EXPRESSED BY RAYMOND FROM TUXFORD WHO IS DEFINITELY SOMEBODY ELSE.
Get off the line.
CHEERS DAVE.
Cheers.
premier league game 11 november 5th 2023
Nottingham Forest 2
Aina 5, Mangala 47
Villa Parkside 0
In every season there comes a match which might be referred to as a "turning point", a pivotal occasion which turns a club's fortunes in one direction or another, and often dictates the fate of the manager.
Sorry, but this wasn't that match. The idea that it was a make or break affair for Steve Cooper was built on flimsy foundations anyway, and it soon became clear that this match was simply an encouraging stage in the development of an improving team. An "it's been coming" kind of match.
It simply didn't have the feel of a crisis match, not after the
singing and the Stevie Cooper chants and the heartwarming reception given to young Caiden Storry.
The positivity meter flicked upwards five minutes into the match as Elanga surged down the left, Toffolo directed his pass back outside the penalty area, and Aina arrived from right-back to side-foot a hard shot into the bottom corner for his first Forest goal. Boom.
The Parkside players seemed stunned by this unexpected turn of events, and proceeded to struggle their way through the first half. A Gibbs-White free kick struck Zanillo's arm, but a legitimate penalty claim was denied because the referee was Australian. A few moments later Dominguez hustled Kamara out of possession and played Awoniyi in for a great goalscoring opportunity only for the ref to pull the play back for what he saw as a Dominguez foul. I think. To be honest, things were getting a little blurry at this point. The rules governing the timing of offside flags, playing advantage, and referring stuff to VAR seemed to have been forgotten. Perhaps the officials were distracted by all the noise.
The Parkside boys certainly were. Their classy interplay kept foundering on the rocks of Forest's midfield and defence, and their high line was in constant danger of being breached by rapid counters, most of which were flagged offside almost before they had started.
A few half hearted Parkside efforts were easily dealt with by Greek international goalkeeper Vlachodimos, who seemed to know exactly what he was doing, and Forest's only real problems concerned the officiating of the match. Gibbs-White penetrated Parkside's high line defence
to send Awoniyi clear. The linesman kept his flag down as Dominguez and Awoniyi combined to threaten the Parkside goal. Awoniyi was felled by Torres, the Australian ref pointed to the spot, but an interminable VAR check decided that Awoniyi had strayed one pixel offside, according to Microsoft Paint.
If this was a genuine crunch match, there would have been nervous talk at half time about being only one up and the danger of VAR losing us the match, but all but the most die-hard grumps seemed more excited than apprehensive. Forest had, after all, out-manoeuvred one of the best teams in the league and had played with a cohesion, determination and confidence we always knew they were capable of. The Parkside had barely had a sniff.
They had a bit of a sniff at the beginning of the second half when Vlachodimos was forced into picking up a Watkin's effort, but seconds later Forest were two nil up. The media made great play of Parkside goalkeeper Martinez's "howler", what with him being the world's best goalkeeper and all that, but it wasn't that much of a mistake, given the power behind Mangala's shot. Better to imply that Forest were lucky that credit them for some fine play, eh? Still, it was amusing to watch Martinez pull the ball back from a yard inside his goal and just begin to pretend he had saved it. If he had been a German called Neuer he might have got away with it.
.
Anyway, the rest of the game became an exercise in Parkside futility.
Watkins headed wide, in the sense that he missed the ball and it went wide, Bailey shot wide and Diaby had a curling effort well saved by Vlachodimos, who seemed to know exactly what he was doing. All this was played out under a barrage of increasingly joyful noise from the stands as each Parkside advance came to nothing, a noise which culminated at one end in defiant celebration as Neco Williams' tackle on the "dangerous" Bailey in stoppage time earned Forest a goal kick. The crowd literally cheered Forest home.
So who was Forest's man of the match? All of them: defence, midfield, attack, subs, Cooper, crowd, even the kid with the bugle. If Mister Marinakis had taken his seat(s) with a view to making changes at the City Ground (which he probably hadn't), the City Ground had answered him with four mighty fist pumps and a bucketful of love.
premier league game 12 november 12th 2023
Wet Hams 3
Paqueta Crisps 3, Bowen 65, Soucek 88
Nottingham Forest 2 Awoniyi 44, Elanga 63
It's Raymond from Tuxford on the line again. Hello Raymond.
DID YOU SEE IT, DAVE, DID YOU SEE IT?
No need to shout, Raymond.
BUT DID YOU SEE IT, DAVE?
The match, you mean?
MATCH? MATCH? THAT WASN'T A MATCH, THAT WAS A DISGRACE. I DON'T LIKE TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO, BUT I TOLD YOU COOPER'S SO CALLED HEROES WOULD GET WELL AND TRULY THUMPED BY THE MOYES BOYS, AND I WAS RIGHT.
You said they would lose by four goals to nil. They lost by three goals to two. That's a narrow defeat, Raymond, not a thumping.
JUGGLING WITH NUMBERS DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACTS, DAVE. I MEAN, WHAT DID HE THINK HE WAS DOING, TAKING THEM TWO HUNDRED MILES TO PLAY ON OUR SACRED LORD'S DAY OF REMEMBERING THINGS? CHRIS HUGHTON WOULD NEVER HAVE PUT THEM THROUGH THAT.
Oh come on...
AND THEN OVERSEEING A PERFORMANCE WHICH SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT THREE POINTS BUT DELIVERED ONLY BITTER GALL AND HUMILIATION, AND A TEAM ONCE MORE TEETERING ON THE BRINK OF RELEGATION. AND WHY IS THIS, I HEAR YOU ASK.
No you didn't.
BECAUSE COOPER IS IN THE PROCESS OF RUINING THE CLUB, THAT'S WHY. THE EVIDENCE WAS ALL THERE, AS CLEAR AS DAY ON THE TURF OF WHEREVER IT WAS THEY PLAYED. LOOK AT WHAT HE'S DONE TO DOMINGO. SHOWED BAGS OF PROMISE TO START WITH, NOW COOPER HAS GOT HIM KICKING THE BALL UP SANGARO'S BACKSIDE AND GIVING AWAY A GOAL. HE'S INSTRUCTED GIBBS-WHITE TO TURN HIS SET PIECE DELIVERIES INTO A COMEDY ROUTINE. HE'S SOMEHOW REDUCED THE SIZE OF MURILLO SO THE DEFENCE CAN'T COPE WITH SET PIECES. AND HE HAS THE NERVE TO COME OUT AND BLAME THE PLAYERS. EVEN YOUR FAVOURITE NEWSPAPER THE GUARDIAN HAS RUMBLED HIM.
Really?
"To establish Nottingham Forest as a Premier League club – and keep Steve Cooper, a manager beloved among its fans, in situ – an improvement in away form is desperately required. A game lost from a winning position, albeit one held very briefly, was a severe blow to both objectives. One win from seven, just four points away from the City Ground, and 15th place with Bournemouth improving fast, spells imminent danger." THERE IT IS DAVE, IN BLACK AND WHITE.
Yes Raymond. I'd have more respect for that view if the same article didn't include a description of Jarrod Bowen's "bull like physique honed in the potato fields of his native Herefordshire." Honestly, Raymond, all this is just silly paper talk and pondlife panic, don't you think?
EVERY TRUE BORN FOOTBALL FAN HAS THE RIGHT TO PANIC, DAVE. IT'S ACTUALLY WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE IN A BOOK. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
What is the point, Raymond?
I DON'T KNOW. WHAT I DO KNOW IS...
Before you start repeating yourself, Raymond, I'll admit that Forest's performance was frustrating, but perhaps you'd like to comment on Forest's spirited comeback after that unfortunate opener, on Taiwo's saved header, Sangare's exquisite pass to MGW, Taiwo's goal, Aina's pass to the ever improving Elanga, Elanga's goal to take the lead, the sterling performance of Vlachodimos in goal, and a hundred other indications that Forest are nobody's pushovers.
I PRIDE MYSELF IN NEVER LETTING INCONVENIENT EVIDENCE GET IN THE WAY OF THE TRUTH, DAVE. AND THE TRUTH IS THAT COOPER HAS MANUFACTURED ANOTHER DEFEAT FROM A WINNING POSITION, CLEAR AND UNDENIABLE PROOF OF AN ONGOING CONSPIRACY TO DESTABILISE NOTTINGHAM FOREST. ONLY PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT ELECTRIC VEHICLES DON'T EXPLODE WOULD DENY THIS.
What?
YOU HEARD ME.
But why on earth would he want to do this?
BECAUSE HE'S WELSH, OF COURSE.
And you're an idiot. But I won't hold that against you. thanks for your call, Raymond.
WE'LL SEE WHO'S THE IDIOT, DAVE. WAIT TILL FRIDAY, WHEN COOPER'S HEROES GET A 4-0 THUMPING AT THE HANDS OF LOWLY MALTA.
That's England, Raymond. England are playing Malta. Forest don't play till the last week of November.
ANOTHER COOPER COCK UP, EH? HONESTLY, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT IF IT WASN'T TRUE. SURELY EVEN YOU CAN SEE HE'S GOT TO GO.
If you say so. Cheers, Raymond. Now we really must go to our next caller, who is...
Another thriller? No, just another crazy game. In Forestland, thriller
Is another word for ridiculous. So yes, another ridiculous game, for so many reasons.
1. Scoring after three minutes was ridiculous, because it left Brighton about 100 minutes to get one, or two, back. Or three.
2. Brighton's defending for Forest's opener was ridiculous. As MGW's cross came in, Brighton defenders, preoccupied with the idea that Wood was the danger man, allowed the ball to reach Elanga, who steered his header home from an awkward angle. Considering Wood to be a danger man is in itself ridiculous, although his role as a distraction is much appreciated.
3. Having gone ahead, Forest decided to yield control of the game to the opposition using some tried and tested methods - failing to press, falling back, misplacing passes, looking nervous everywhere. "What the f*** are they doing?" came the cry. "This is ridiculous." And it was.
4. An intercepted Forest pass led to Brighton surging forward, playing diddly-ball around the Forest area, and scoring an equaliser. The goal came from Ferguson the Wonder Horse, aided by one of his team mates running interference in an offside position, but as nobody on earth understands the offside rule any more, which is in itself ridiculous, the goal stood.
5. Forest fans now realised that Brighton players falling down injured and being withdrawn was merely a ploy to bring on better players. This may sound ridiculous, but the conspiracy theory was confirmed when Pedro scored in the 49th and 58th minutes.
6. Reporting of Pedro's first goal described him as "outmuscling" Aina to head home. The description is ridiculous. Pedro simply arrived first, and, having the physiology of a lizard, has no muscles to speak of.
7. Pedro's lizard like frailty was in evidence again when he collapsed under the weight of Wood's overbearing charisma to win a slightly ridiculous penalty. And again late on when he broke away from Mangala but almost drowned from exhaustion before Murillo took the ball from him.
8. Murillo is ridiculously good.
9. Things got really crazy when Hudson-Odoi, who added much needed energy and know-how, was brought down in the Brighton box in much the same way as Pedro was by Wood. Referee Taylor allowed play to continue and Brighton broke down the other end and almost scored. If Brighton had scored, we would have been plunged into a black hole of VAR protocol, public uprising and perhaps even cannibalism. The VAR-inspired penalty came eventually, but far too late to salvage Taylor's reputation as a fair and consistent judge.
10. Things kicked off. It says something about the state of modern football that Forest players saw the need to protect the actual penalty spot. And it should be noted here that Brighton players are as one-eyed and mentally brittle as their manager. Dunk's arrogant stupidity got him sent off. MGW scored a good penalty. The game now entered its final stages of ungluedness.
11. Forest had begun forcing Brighton back even before the sending off, now they went full-tilt attack. It was, of course, a daft tactic to wait until you were three down before settling on the approach you might have adopted from the start, but hey ho.Toffolo went close with a deflected effort, MGW jumped too high and tried to head in a superb cross with his chest, and Yates saw his instinctive close-range header saved by Verbruggen. With just a spoonful of luck, things could have been so different, but life's a bitch and then you lose, as they say.
12. The match ended with the ludicrous sight of de Zerbi galloping on to the pitch like something not altogether sane. Perhaps next time he might consider shaking the opposition manager's hand first.
13. We could spend ages talking about negative tactics, unfit players, selection problems, useless referees, useless strikers, and stuff like that, but it'll soon be Christmas, so we must all relax, every one, and wait for the miracles to happen.
premier league game 14 december 2nd 2023
Nottingham Forest 0
Everton 1 McNeil 67
RADIO DAVE'S FOOTBALL FONE-IN
Is that you on the line again, Raymond from Tuxford?
IT CERTAINLY IS, DAVE.
I thought it might be. What's on your mind this evening, Raymond?
DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE EVERTON GAME, DAVE.
I'm trying really hard not to...
DID YOU SEE IT, DAVE? WHAT AN ABSOLUTE BOLLOCKS OF A PERFORMANCE THAT WAS AND NO MISTAKE.
No swearing please, Raymond. No real need to shout either.
SORRY DAVE, BUT BUGGER ME THAT WAS SHAMBOLIC FROM TOP TO BOTTOM. AND WE ALL KNOW WHO'S TO BLAME, DON'T WE?
Let me guess...
COOPER, THAT'S WHO. LOOK WHAT HE'S DONE TO MY CLUB, DAVE. LOOK WHAT HE'S DONE TO THE PLAYERS. HE'S TRANSFORMED A GROUP OF HIGHLY PAID WORLD CLASS PERFORMERS INTO THE DOG AND DUCK SECOND ELEVEN. IT'S A DISGRACE.
World class performers?
TO A MAN. LOOK WHAT HE'S DONE TO CHRIS WOOD. ONCE A STAR OF MANY A WORLD CUP, NOW THE POOR SOD CAN'T EVEN JUMP.
And that's Cooper's fault is it?
BECAUSE HE'S TRAINED ALL THE JUMP OUT OF HIM.
Trained all the...?
SAME WITH GIBBS-WHITE. USED TO BE A PROPER MAGICIAN WITH THE BALL, NOW HE'S MORE LIKE TOMMY COOPER.
Tommy Cooper was quite good to be fair.
OF COURSE HE WAS, BUT HE WAS A BLOODY AWFUL SET PIECE TAKER. BUT IT'S NOT JUST THOSE TWO. COOPER'S JIGGERED ALL THE PLAYERS GOOD AND PROPER, THAT HE HAS. HE'S SLOWED SANGARO DOWN, PROBABLY WITH DRUGS. HE'S SHATTERED VLADIVOSTOK'S CONFIDENCE BY SHOUTING AT HIM IN WELSH.
This is absurd...
OF COURSE IT IS. IT'S A MANAGER'S RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE A TEAM BETTER, NOT WORSE.
Elanga did okay. Murillo was impressive.
BECAUSE THEY CAN SEE THE DAMAGE THAT COOPER'S INFLICTING, SO THEY'RE DOING THEIR OWN THING. HE'LL BE DROPPING THEM IF THEY'RE NOT CAREFUL, YOU'LL SEE. THE QUESTION IS, HOW DOES HE KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT?
I honestly don't know.
WELL I DO.
Of course you do.
HE'S DOING IT ON PURPOSE, DAVE.
Not that again.
HE'S SYSTEMATICALLY DESTROYING THE CLUB FROM WITHIN BY MEANS OF SHODDY RECRUITMENT AND TOXIC TRAINING METHODS.
But the injuries...
HE'S PROBABLY INJURING THEM ALL HIMSELF. IS THERE NO END TO THE MAN'S WITCHERY? HONESTLY DAVE, IF PEOPLE CAN'T SEE WHAT HE'S UP TO AFTER THAT, THE WORST PERFORMANCE IN THE HISTORY OF NOTTINGHAM FOREST FOOTBALL CLUB, THEY MUST BE AS BLIND AS A BLIND DOG.
A blind dog isn't blind, Raymond. A blind dog is a dog that helps blind people.
TO GET BACK TO MY ORIGINAL POINT, WHY OH WHY DOESN'T MISTER MACARONI GIVE HIM THE BOOT?
Marinakis?
I'LL TELL YOU WHY, DAVE. THEY'RE IN IT TOGETHER, THAT'S WHY.
Really?
IT'S COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT MISTER MACARONI IS ONLY KEEPING COOPER IN PLACE TO DO HIS BIDDING.
His bidding?
MISTER MACARONI ACTUALLY WANTS TO INFLICT DAMAGE ON HIS ENGLISH CLUB, AND COOPER IS THE MAN TO DO IT.
This is getting seriously weird now, Raymond.
IT IS, ISN'T IT? THAT'S JUST WHAT I SAID TO MY MATE JASON FROM NEWARK. "THIS IS GETTING SERIOUSLY WEIRD NOW, JASON FROM NEWARK," I SAID. AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT JASON SAID NEXT?
No.
JASON RECKONED THAT THE GREEK PRIME MINISTER HAD ORDERED MACARONI TO SABOTAGE FOREST BECAUSE WE WOULDN'T RETURN ELGIN'S MARBLES.
And you for one remain convinced that this is true.
I DO. I'VE NO IDEA WHY ELGIN LOST HIS MARBLES IN THE FIRST PLACE, OR WHY THEY'RE KEPT IN NOTTINGHAM, BUT THE SOONER WE HAND THEM OVER, THE SOONER WE CAN GET BACK TO NORMAL, PREFERABLY WITH CHRIS HUGHTON AT THE HELM, AND PREFERABLY BEFORE THE NEXT MATCH, OR ELSE WE'RE HEADING FOR ANOTHER RIGHT ROYAL THUMPING FROM THE COTTAGE BOYS.
Chris Hughton? Really?
AT LEAST HE NEVER PRETENDED TO BE ANY GOOD. HONESTY GOES A LONG WAY WITH ME, DAVE. ANYWAY, SEE YOU AFTER THE FULHAM ROUT. CHEERS FOR NOW.
To every thing there is a season, but I don't think old Ecclesiastes thought it would be as bad as this one. This fourth defeat in a row, a right royal thumping by a team only just above Forest, caused Marinakis to leave early before he exploded with anger, forced Cooper to say he didn't deserve the support of the best fans in the league, and left ordinary people like us wondering why things had gone so badly wrong in the past few weeks.
We know what things have gone wrong - they were clear for everyone to see in the match. Forest started reasonably well - they often do - but the customary collapse in confidence came after Pereira's near miss on 26 minutes. From that point Forest found themselves unable to perform the most basic of basics. They offered nothing in attack, confusion and dithering in midfield, and a kind of sporadic, woebegone defiance at the back. Everybody knows now that you can press Forest without fear of effective retaliation, and if you press them, they will crack. The Cottage People knew this, and Forest cracked 5 times.
But why has it all turned sour? We don't know, but here are some of the current explanations swirling around like dots in a desert sky:
Forest are in the grip of the Second Season Syndrome, which may or may not be a thing.
The transition from a low block counter attack to a possession based style has not worked at all. The team is now stuck somewhere between the two, and doesn't have the players to execute either.
Without Taiwo, Forest are toothless.
The players don't understand Cooper's instructions, and/or have lost faith in him.
Cooper doesn't understand his own instructions, and/or has lost faith in himself.
Forest's spectacular recruitment has left them with another dustbinfull of spineless, overrated junk.
Changing a squad every season leads to changing the team every week leads to disaster.
Worrall has been stirring it in a pub.
The cold and damp does not suit the non British players.
The Premier League is a swamp of cynicism and egocentric entitlement. Cooper is too nice to belong here.
Whatever. It's all up to Mister Marinakis now. We've been here before, of course, and last season the owner remained cool and took his finger off the trigger. This time, despite the fans' magnificent support for Steve Cooper, he may not be so forgiving. There is, as old Ecclesiastes used to say, a time to hold on, and a time to let go.
This film has a very famous ending. The line "Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown" is uttered by Lawrence Walsh (Joe Mantell), the partner of Jack Nicholson's sardonic private eye Jake Gittes, after Jake's love interest Evelyn (Faye Dunaway) gets shot to death by the police. You'll have to watch the film to get the full story, but the thing is, the good get f***ed while the bad get away with all sorts of corruption, and there's absolutely nothing the good people can do about it. Chinatown is the place where corruption is taken for granted, and protests are in vain. Bleak stuff.
Foster 90+4 
Forest are in the grip of the Second Season Syndrome, which may or may not be a thing.
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