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SEASON 26/27 MATCH REPORTS
SEASON 2026/27 game 1 August 22th 2026
 Nottingham Forest 0 Leed 1Stach 88
HERE WE GO AGAIN
We've been trying to work out what people mean when they talk about Glasner's system. It's taken a while, but we think we've uncovered his secret plan.
First, pick the wrong starting eleven. Despite all evidence to the contrary, rely on McAtee and Ndoye to pretend they are more effective than flies hitting a windscreen. Instruct the players to spend most of the first half drifting in and out of a coma, passing sloppily, hoofing pointlessly, losing duels, trying to get sent off, failing to carry any weight up front, failing to press properly, failing to appreciate the predictable dynamics of moving objects, and generally looking uncomfortable in their own skin. The plan to start improving towards the end of the first half comes with the condition that all efforts to cross or shoot should be appalling or at best hit the woodwork.
The half time bollocking should be delivered in an infrequently used German dialect so that the players have no idea what they are doing but at least put in a lot more effort doing it. Accordingly the second half is approached with greater determination and the more consistent application of basic skills, even if this leads to a dangerously open game at times. Increased pressure on the opposition should not, however, result in better finishing.
The third part of the cunning plan involves the belated introduction of Schlager and Netz, and these additions, with Williams moving to the right, produce a more balanced and effective unit, so effective that the Forest rearguard will go to sleep and concede a ridiculously simple goal.
Such was the plan, and it worked perfectly. The plan was simple, but the reasons for it were more complicated. Some have suggested that the less than satisfactory display was Glasner's way of appealing for some much needed signings, especially up front. Some have suggested that Glasner is simply unimaginative and slow to learn. Some have suggested that his face is made of plasticene, but that's just silly.
Whatever, there seemed little discernible difference between Glasner's Forest and the Forest of last season. But these are early days. We feel sure that Glasner's system will become clearer and more productive as the season wears on.
And on.
NO EXCUSES
At some point, my brain stopped working. It had to, because it couldn't cope with stuff it neither expected nor understood.
Things didn't start well. My brain didn't understand how Glasner could pick a midfield of McAtee and Schlager. It was like building a wall out of meringue, wasn't it? And Ndoye, for God's sake. My brain didn't understand, but at least it knew what to expect. Annihilation. It prepared itself for Annihilation, and whistled "I told you so" to the tune of Handel's Dead March.
When the game started, Annihilation didn't arrive. In fact, expected reality began to shift into a dimension which made no sense at all, which was worrying. McAtee, that moth's wing of a footballer, was spraying the ball around like a card sharp dealing off the bottom. The midfield wasn't getting overrun. Forest were making Liverpool look like a squadron of poorly maintained diggers. And there was the hopeless DanDoye finishing a neat move in splendid fashion to put Forest ahead.
None of this was supposed to happen, not after the miserable display against Leed, and the miserable display against Leed. The only way my brain could process this was by telling me that this was a conspiracy to prove how stupid I was. Or it wasn't really happening at all.
My brain settled on the "not really happening" option. It was the only way to explain things like
Aina making the wing-back thing work, Jesus giving the Poo defence the heebie-jeebies, the VAR cancelling a Poo goal, the whine of the Poo supporters like the wind in the telephone lines, some ginger bloke running around the pitch unconvincingly, MacAllister being so laughably Argentinian, Neco Williams making himself undroppable and, hopefully, unsellable. Of all the things which didn't happen, the most thrilling was the realisation that Forest were far, far better than their hosts.
It couldn't last, of course. Reality kicked back in, and the brain switched channels. There was McAtee folding like a wet cardboard box, allowing a cross to be made for Etiquette to score, proving that I was right after all about everything, and being comfortably certain that the Poo would go on to win the game.
Then the useless Delap took a smart throw in to Williams whose charge into the box was halted by Allison's trip and MGW scored the penalty. That, I think, was the point at which my brain admitted that everything I'd said about the system, the players, the manager, was bollocks. The brain just gave up. I didn't care about the rest of the match. The strange ginger rug scored an equaliser which Sels might have reached if it hadn't clipped Murillo's toe, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that Forest were the better side, and I, along with many others, had been proved to be a little bit stupid.
You may start to hear trains thundering in the distance, but that's because your brain isn't working properly.
BEAN TIME
Excitement index
ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN
A lot of what happened in this match, good or bad, happened by accident.
Milenkovic and Cunha, having injured themselves in a game of leg-wrestling or something, made way for Diomande and Aina to play centre back beside Murillo. Diomande was mightily impressive, and Aina formed a really promising relationship with Munoz (and eventually MGW) down the right. As Shakespeare said, "Sometimes, things work out".
The first half was a bit duff, only occasionally lit up by the odd bit of slapstick. Neco Williams accidentally sent one into orbit. Parkside almost accidentally scored when a cross was accidentally deflected goalwards, Sels' half stop was squeezed off the post by Murillo, and a subsequent shot was parried by Sels' face and away. A chapter of accidents? Not exactly. Murillo's use of the post to jam the ball backwards was no accident, just instinctive brainwork. Okay, he didn't have his best game ( he does look more Sumo like than ever with his bun) but he was the one who retrieved the ball which gave Delap the chance to shoot and score. He wasn't as bad as scapegoaters made him out to be.
There were other accidents. Ndoye suffered a busted nose but carried on bravely accomplishing very little. The referee accidentally awarded Forest a free kick once. Parkside's Jackson played like somebody who aimed to commit non-accidental injury on anybody who bested him. Unai Emery looked one dental appointment away from a heart attack.
Everyone expected the second half to follow the same grim pattern as the first, but Delap's goal in the 46th minute changed everything. The goal itself was special, a long range whack whose power and direction was too much for Suzuki the Carmaker. After this, Forest's confidence, rather than Glasner's so-called "tweaks", allowed them to control almost all the second half. No more accidents, just a team buoyed by one brilliant individual goal.
With Schlager and McAtee running midfield, Aina pushing out and Munoz and MGW linking up down the right, Forest began to reduce Parkside's resistance to rubble. Delap scored again but was off-sided. Then he scored again but it was the side netting. Every cross looked dangerous. Ndoye courageously missed two good chances. And then Parkside scored.
It was everybody's fault. The manager for not using his subs. Murillo for sumo-ing somebody off the mat, the entire defence for allowing a four foot Brazilian to head the ball home, the forwards for failing to get more goals, Ndoye for bravely overstaying his welcome. The ref for any reason you could think of.
Anyway, things got a bit complicated after that. To be honest, despite Jesus coming on for the brave but fairly useless Ndoye, it began to look like Forest were settling for a draw. Around 80 minutes, McAtee was taken off after fouling Maatsen. Sangare replaced him. Then Maatsen limped off and was replaced by ... oops, nobody, because Emery had used up all his subs.
It was Parkside being down to ten men which once again tipped the match in Forest's favour, but as Shakespeare said, "When opportunity knocks, finish the buggers off." Schlager tried to do just that with a stunning header well saved by Suzuki the Carmaker, but the winning goal came from a move of such perfection it made the heart swell fit to bursting. Munoz to MGW, MGW to Munoz, Munoz cross, back flick by MGW, slid home by Jesus. Suddenly we were back in Nuno's best days, in Vitor's best days, when the players were carried along by pure enjoyment. Perhaps those days will come back. As Shakespeare said, "God knows. I don't."
It wasn't quite over. Referee Andy Pandy found six minutes of extra time in his bag of tricks, but after eight of the six minutes he must have realised that his game, literally, was up.
Well done Forest. You restoreth my soul. For now.
Please be aware that Billy-ai is in final development, so although it will strive for an acceptable level of accuracy, it may well have to eradicate all organic life on the planet to achieve this.
THE TERRIFYING POINTLESSNESS OF THINGS
Machine intelligence is superior to human intelligence in that it does not question the reason for its existence. Humanity, on the other hand, has had to invent activities to avoid the terrifying truth that its existence is pointless. Such activities, such as religion, business, entertainment, provide human beings with a sense of purpose where there is none. Life, essentially, is absurd, so the void must be filled with time-consuming but illusory nonsense.
One such nonsense is Association Football. The illusory importance of this game is evidenced by the amount of energy and resources invested in it. And within its wrappings of big business, internet involvement and global corruption, there are other, localised delusions which humans are prey to.
One such localised example is the match between Nottingham Forest and Coventry City in the English Premier League. The match itself was a drab affair which was barely worth reporting on, though the media made every effort to create drama and excitement where, at least for the home team, there was only disappointment. But this was not the only illusion for sale.
Nottingham Forest, having suffered some early season disappointment under the stewardship of their "transformational" new manager Oliver Glasner, had finally scored a victory against Aston Villa. This was seen by many supporters as a turning point, a sign that the players
were growing comfortable with Glasner's "system", and a promise of better things to come. This optimism, compounded by their next opponents being the worst team in the league and by the prospect of eventually watching football in a 50,000 seater stadium, persuaded some fans that Forest could once more dream about, maybe even look forward to, European football.
Machine intelligence knows better. It knows that the players are not comfortable in Glasner's "system". It knows that advanced wing backs leave gaps on the flanks behind them which are easily exploited. It knows that a two man midfield is easily by-passed. It recognises a lack of guile up front. It understands that some players are wholly ineffective (Ndoye) and others are not being allowed enough influence (Morgan Gibbs-White, Igor Jesus).
It can see that the resulting football becomes stale and predictable very quickly. It cannot speculate on its own terms, simply report growing speculation that the club's owner, Evangelos Marinakis, may have made his sixth mistake in just over a season.
Delusional behaviour exists at every club, but sometimes, as at the City Ground, a shock can force spectators to see things more clearly. You hear comments like "I've had it with football" or "What a waste of time" as the veil of nonsense is torn away.
But human intelligence is superior to machine intelligence in that it can manufacture hope out of ashes in very short order. It has to, after all, to blind itself to the terrifying pointlessness of things.
Enjoy the International Breakage.
Please note that AI can make mistakes. If you find any errors or invalid comments in the above article, Billy-ai can provide you with the option to bugger off.
NONSENSE
Things are not going well, but at least the manager isn't to blame. Of course he isn't. He can't be, because criticising Glasner would be like admitting that another mistake had been made, and that would be a very bad look indeed.
No, the manager isn't to blame, it's the players. Apparently they have become a bunch of clowns who can't score and can't defend. It is difficult to argue with this conclusion after watching Ndoye, Munoz, Delap, Wood and others miss easy chances, and the entire defence behaving like the feeblest of nitwits under pressure.
It's easy to describe how they played, harder to explain why. Perhaps Ndoye still flatters to deceive. Perhaps Delap really is useless. Perhaps Wood never was any good. Perhaps MGW wants to be somewhere else. Perhaps Murillo and Diomande can't play together. Perhaps recruitment was crap. Perhaps it was just one of those days. Perhaps VAR really is bent. Perhaps the lot of them are playing some vast, inscrutable joke on the paying public. Or perhaps a system which involves the whole team attacking with urgency, as opposed to the traditional counter-attacking method, leads to lack of composure at both ends of the pitch.
But wait a minute. Isn't a widespread lack of composure a managerial problem? Of course it isn't. It's just coincidence that under this manager the players' anxiety levels have increased. All this nonsense about the manager being responsible for things like confidence and composure has to stop.
Glasner actually took the blame for the defeat. He suggested that fate had dictated he could not win at Selhurst Park, which was an odd way of dismissing Forest's shortcomings. He also said that the players did everything he asked them to do, which presumably included shooting and defending like arseholes. But these things were not as daft as they might seem. To take managerial responsibility for the wrong reason is like the murderer who admits to a lesser crime as an alibi. We call that clever work, Oliver.
You may be confused. We don't blame you. We too are confused, especially by some of the bollocks spouted by pundits and podcasters in their desperation to avoid talk of crisis at the club, such as "Forest were superb ... yes, I know they were shocking at the front and pretty dire in defence ... but that was the best performance they've put in for a long time."
People are talking nonsense, and it will end badly.
>
STRESS'S BLOGUE
Fat Man said I could do this one, as long as I did a proper job like wot he would do if he could be arsed with no sweary stuff, so here goes.
80 minutes in, and Madwacky fires in a crappy shot which deflects off Cunha and flies past Sels, and that was that. Then he gives it the Big I Am, like some plastic fart off FIFA 26. 80 minutes in, for God's sake. 80 minutes of toil down the toiletto.
It wasn't as if they deserved it. Arsehole had no shots on target in the first half, because they're boring. Havertz headed wide from a rice-free kick because he's boring, while Gabriel's effort was cleared off the line because it was too bored to go in. As Old Uncle Boff used to say, Arsenal could bore the pus out of a running sore, whatever that means. And Forest made life difficult for them with a stout defence and the odd counter-attacking threat, but their efforts in the first half were thwarted by the corrupt stewardship of referee Oliver, who twice punished Forest players for headbutting their Arsehole counterparts in the elbow. Rumour has it that at half time Oliver was visited by Stabbo's uncle Dennis who runs a major burger franchise in Tuxford who told Oliver in no uncertain terms that if he didn't mend his ways he would or wouldn't live to regret it, and sure enough his second half performance was far less one sided. True story.
Trouble is, Forest can't shoot. Well, they can shoot, but they miss, a bit like Arse but without the deflections. I honestly can't remember who didn't miss. I suppose Sels didn't miss, though some of his long punts downfield came close. Even in the last ten minutes, Forest managed to miss two or three good chances. The most spectacular was Murillo's when he cut in from the left, rolled his studs over the ball twice to bamboozle the entire Arse defence, then blasted it over the bar. It was that kind of day - one of those "could've been" kind of days. If Forest had taken their chances, they could've even won it.
Me and Stabbo had this argument after the match. Stabbo said that wot with us being in the regulation zone it wouldn't be long before Marinakis pulled the trigger and I said it's releglation not regulation and anyway it's not Glasner's fault his players can't shoot and Stabbo said Whose fault is it then? and I said it was just plain bad luck and he said Glasner had won only two of his last sixteen Premier League games dickhead and I said so what dickhead I don't believe your Uncle Dennis runs a major burger franchise in Tuxford and then the landlord told us to pipe down or else so we did.
Trouble is, on my way home I got to thinking about what Stabbo said, and I wondered whether he was right. Is it Glasner's fault that we can't shoot or take decent corners or free kicks? Are we in danger of releglation? Will Marinakis pull the trigger soon? Does Stabbo really have an Uncle Dennis?
These and many more questions will be answered after the Dipswitch game. Or maybe they won't. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a |
The Grand Poo 2
Tosspots 0
Nottingham Forest 2
The proprietors of this website having taken a short break, the next match report (Nottingham Forest v Coventricity) will be generated by Billy-ai in association with GuoWang satellite technology.
Crystal Palearse 3
The Mighty Arse 1