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SUMMER STUFF
THE ROYAL F.A. CUP FINAL
MANU 0 CHEL 1
Well that was a reasonably dull match, wasn't it Stress?
Oh I don't know Pie. They looked a handsome couple to me. And there was a very big pomp on display.
Yes Stress, there's nothing like a big pomp to get people excited. I was not, however, referring to the royal wedding, as you well know, but to the hundred and thirty seventh F.A. cup final which followed it.
Did you know, Pie, that Nicholas Witchell is the only journalist permitted to sleep in the royal mews?
As I was saying, I thought it was wallpaper football - you know, it just drifted into the background, allowing you to focus on something more important, like counting the number of crisps in a bag of Walkers.
Nineteen.
Correct, Stress. But something quite significant did crop up during the game. Not the result, because nobody really cared about that, but the performance of the England players.
Explain yourelf, sir.
Well, Cahill did all right, but only because he was never called on to do anything. The others were pretty rubbish. Jones gave away a penalty and tried to compensate for his mistake by braining himself and going for the heroic defender look. He just looked like a twerp in a bad hat.
Did you know, Pie, Nicholas Witchell can spot a bad hat from 400 yards upwind? Anyway, Jones suffers from thick-neck syndrome, for which some slack should be cut.
And Lingard was as effective as a vaporous lizard.
That's not very nice, Pie. Nicholas Witchell would never say something like that.
And Rashford, dear me. "He's trying too hard" Keogh kept saying, which is media code for "he's never really been very good anyway". And Ashley Young, back to his diving and surreptitious hand balling best. I think that's the lot, isn't it?
Nicholas Witchell used to be a footballer. Played centre mid for Harpenden, before joining the BBC as a pomp correspondent.
That's not true, is it?
Not really, Pie. Apart from the pomp bit. Nobody describes a pomp with the oily assuredness of Nicholas Witchell.
So all in all I would say that, if that match was a gauge of the quality of England players, it did not make good reading.
Cheer up, Pie. There's several hours of John "Motty" Motson to follow.
Old Uncle Boff used to call him the squealing pig.
Who, John "Motty" Motson?
No, Nicholas Witchell.
What a day, eh, Pie? A day to remember, that's for sure. When children ask their parents where they were on this day in history, they shall answer, "You weren't born yet, you idiot", and they shall all laugh together and perform merry japes around the fig tree.
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MAY 11: SHEEP 1 COTTAGING 0
  Cameron Jerome's powerful 34th minute header gave the Derby faithful grounds for hope that this could be their chance for glory after so many years of amusing disappointment. "We're one clean sheet from the final," chirped one Derby fan, after a match in which Fulham had 13 attempts on goal to Derby's 3, 74% possession to Derby's 26%, committed 5 fouls to Derby's 15, and generally had Derby, the home side, soiling their collective underpant in the second half. Fulham made the basic error of thinking that fancy pants football has some qualitative equivalence to goals scored, but had to admit that their opponents were too thick to understand what this meant.
(left) Cameron Jerome is chased by a friend.
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MAY 12: MISERABLEBUGGER 0 VILLA 1
 This game throbbed with the kind of excitement you only get with competitive ploughing. After Jedinak's 15th minute goal, Miserablebugger responded by playing football which resembled a sequence of badly executed set pieces, stuffed full of bad decision making, poor passing, dreadful crossing, comical shooting, and the creative intelligence of a baked bean. More interesting
was the sideline entertainment, with Pulis cavorting around like an idiot pensioner from Cocoon, and Bruce trying to decide which was his favourite finger. As they say, it can only get better in the second leg, but they're probably wrong.
(left) Leave it, Steve.
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MAY 14: COTTAGING 2 SHEEP 0
 In the first half, everything Derby did was designed to waste time, from their slow-down tactics to their pretend attacks. Things had to change after Sessegnon's 47th minute goal, but Derby simply lacked the quality to match their desperation. Odoi's goal on 66 minutes finished things off, but at least Derby had the consolation of knowing that a victory for them would have been the kind of colossal injustice they have been perpetrating all season. Derby have now become the playoffs' drunk Uncle Jack who turns up at family gatherings, craps his pants noisily in front of the kids, and is never invited back ever.
(left) Uncle Jack Keogh tries to hide his shame.
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MAY 15: VILLA 0 MISERABLEBUGGER 0
 This was awful stuff, like watching some industrial waste disposal process which none of the participants could control or even understand.
There were periods of the match when possession was squandered so frantically it was difficult to tell who was actually playing for who. Or whom. The excitement grew towards the end because the cogs flew off and would have brained everybody if anybody had had a brain in the first place. Anyway, Villa won the tie because they deserved to lose less, and if I was Assombalonga I'd ask to leave.
(left) "If I only had a brain..."
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OTHER STUFF
| 01 |
04.08.17 |
FOREST |
1 |
MEWO |
0 |
| 02 |
12.08.17 |
BENTFORD |
3 |
FOREST |
4 |
| 03 |
15.08.17 |
BARNSLEH |
2 |
FOREST |
1 |
| 04 |
19.08.17 |
FOREST |
2 |
MISERABLEBUGGER |
1 |
| 05 |
26.08.17 |
FOREST |
0 |
LEED |
2 |
| 06 |
09.09.17 |
WENDIES |
3 |
FOREST |
1 |
| 07 |
12.09.17 |
UNDERLAND |
0 |
FOREST |
1 |
| 08 |
16.09.17 |
FOREST |
1 |
WONDERBRAS |
2 |
| 09 |
23.09.17 |
VILLA |
2 |
FOREST |
1 |
| 10 |
26.09.17 |
FOREST |
1 |
COTTAGING |
3 |
| 11 |
30.09.17 |
FOREST |
2 |
THE UNDEAD |
1 |
| 12 |
15.10.17 |
SHEEP NATION |
2 |
FOREST |
0 |
| 13 |
21.10.17 |
FOREST |
2 |
BURTON DOWN |
0 |
| 14 |
28.10.17 |
UL |
2 |
FOREST |
3 |
| 15 |
31.10.17 |
READING LADIES |
3 |
FOREST |
1 |
| 16 |
04.11.17 |
FOREST |
4 |
QP LADIES |
0 |
| 17 |
18.11.17 |
BOREMINGHAM |
1 |
FOREST |
0 |
| 18 |
21.11.17 |
FOREST |
1 |
NORRIDGE |
0 |
| 19 |
26.11.17 |
FOREST |
0 |
CAERDYDD |
2 |
| 20 |
02.12.17 |
DIPSWITCH |
4 |
FOREST |
2 |
| 21 |
09.12.17 |
FOREST |
3 |
BOLN |
2 |
| 22 |
16.12.17 |
BRISTOLS |
2 |
FOREST |
1 |
| 23 |
23.12.17 |
NOB END |
1 |
FOREST |
1 |
| 24 |
26.12.17 |
FOREST |
0 |
WENDIES |
3 |
| 25 |
30.12.17 |
FOREST |
0 |
UNDERLAND |
1 |
|
31.12.17 |
WARBS SACKED |
|
|
|
| 26 |
01.01.18 |
LEED |
0 |
FOREST |
0 |
|
7?.01.18 |
KARANKA IN |
|
|
|
| 27 |
13.01.18 |
FOREST |
0 |
VILLA |
1 |
| 28 |
20.01.18 |
WONDERBRAS |
0 |
FOREST |
2 |
| 29 |
30.01.18 |
FOREST |
0 |
NOB END |
3 |
| 30 |
03.02.18 |
COTTAGE |
2 |
FOREST |
0 |
| 31 |
10.02.18 |
FOREST |
0 |
UL |
2 |
| 32 |
17.02.18 |
BURTON DOWN |
0 |
FOREST |
0 |
| 33 |
20.02.18 |
FOREST |
1 |
READING LADIES |
1 |
| 34 |
24.02.18 |
QP LADIES |
2 |
FOREST |
5 |
| 35 |
03.03.18 |
FOREST |
2 |
BOREMINGHAM |
1 |
| 36 |
06.03.18 |
NORRIDGE |
0 |
FOREST |
0 |
| 37 |
11.03.18 |
FOREST |
0 |
SHEEP |
0 |
| 38 |
17.03.18 |
UNDEAD |
0 |
FOREST |
0 |
| 39 |
30.03.18 |
MEWO |
2 |
FOREST |
0 |
| 40 |
07.04.18 |
MISERABLEBUGGER |
2 |
FOREST |
0 |
| 41 |
10.04.18 |
FOREST |
0 |
BENTFORD |
1 |
| 42 |
14.04.18 |
FOREST |
2 |
DIPSWITCH |
1 |
| 43 |
21.04.18 |
CAERDYDD |
2 |
FOREST |
1 |
| 44 |
24.04.18 |
FOREST |
3 |
BARNSLEH |
0 |
| 45 |
28.04.18 |
FOREST |
0 |
BRISTOLS |
0 |
| 46 |
06.05.18 |
BOLN |
3 |
FOREST |
2 |
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Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
to the last syllable of recorded time;
and all our yesterdays have lighted fools
the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
that struts and frets his hour upon the stage
and then is heard no more. It is a tale
told by an idiot, full of sound and fury
signifying nothing.
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