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Still housekeeping. The 24/25 reports and results will stay in the match report archive until the start of next season. Le Club Foot du Monde - "Follow the Money" The World Club Foot is a soccer competition in which mysteriously selected clubs play each other for vast sums of oil money. This year the tournament is being held in the USA, which seemed a good idea at the time. ⊙   Botafogo 2 - 1 Seattle Sleepers Nottingham Forest bound pair(?) Jair Cunha and Igor Jesus scored headers to compound MLS misery in this meeting at the Lumen stadium. Seattle responded with a deflected shot which snuck into the net because this is from an American report and Americans don't know that sneaked is the past tense of sneak, not snuck. We've pointed this out several times to them, but they never listen. ⊙   Chelsea 2 - 0 Los Angeles Chelsea made heavy weather of this match, partly because LA made nothing of their many opportunities, but mostly because Chelsea are a bunch of nasty, swaggering, referee-baiting thugs with terrible hair. Surprisingly, Igor Jesus found his way into this match too, playing as a midfielder who was described as "combatative" by the jibbering idiot of a commentator. ⊙   Boca Juniors 2 - 2 Benfica We know little of this match, except that it was played at the Hard Luck Stadium and was improved by three red cards. Also, surprisingly, Igor Jesus did not play in this one, which was disappointing. ⊙   Al Ahly 0 - 0 Inter Miasma The scoreline reflects the fact that no goals were scored in this opening match. The game took place in the Hard Luck Stadium amid suspicions that Inter Miasma were only in the competition because of Messi's pulling power. Al Ahly are something big in Egypt, we understand. No, not the Sphinx. ⊙   Auckland City 0 - 10 Bayern Munich Don't feel sorry for the New Zealanders. The money that comes their way will more than make up for being brutally humiliated on the world stage. More embarrassing were the commentators' grisly efforts at pretending they were watching a football match. ⊙   PSG 4 - 0 Atletico Madrid The trouble with PSG is that they actually seem to enjoy playing football. Atletico on the other hand favour the "grim struggle" approach, which involves buckets of sweat and a 4-0 defeat. ⊙   Palmeiras 0 - 0 Porto According to our sources, who may have been drinking, Palmeiras dominated the contest but could not find a breakthrough because Porto had a goalkeeper.

I don't believe any of it, Pie. What's that then, Stress? All this stuff, you know. No I don't know. What stuff? All this stuff about Mister Markymarks buying Bogota, for instance. It's all gone quiet about that, hasn't it? I looked it up, Pie. Apparently, Bogota is the capital of Columbo. It doesn't make sense, does it? Only to a psychiatrist. What's that? Nothing. What else don't you believe, Stress? I don't believe Morgan Gibbs-White will desert us. Nor Elanga. Who's Nora Langer? That's not funny, Pie. Sorry Stress. So you think Langer will linger longer, do you? That's not funny either. Why can't you take anything seriously? I'm sorry, Stress, but if you start worrying about all this internet garbage it'll drive you into an early grave. Then there's all this stuff about Mister Markymarks threatening to blow up UEFA. What's all that about, Pie? Well, as I see it, Stress, it's all part of a global conspiracy driven by Canadian drug overlords and Vatican podcasters to undermine the foundations of democracy by fomenting discontent among the Forest faithful. Really Pie? I don't understand any of that, therefore it must be true. You're a smart fella, Stress. A smart fella.