premier league game 4     september 14th 2024

The Slots

Nottingham Forest

THINGS TO DO AT THE WEEKEND WHEN THERE IS NO PROPER FOOTBALL Watching England ponce around trying to look cool is no substitute for proper football, so here are some things you could be doing to fill the long, tedious hours until the next proper match. You could always try to fix that creaky floorboard by the door that's been getting on your nerves for years. Here's how to do it. Pull up the carpet and underlay around the creaky area, being careful to avoid the spikes on the gripper rods. Spend fifteen minutes finding the Savlon and Elastoplast to deal with the gripper rod puncture wounds. Ease up the gripper rods with a claw hammer until they snap. Do the same with the offending floorboard, only to discover that the joist beneath has sunk because the crumbling foundation brickwork no longer supports it. Realise that this may be the cause of the skewed door frame and the crack in the ceiling. Replace everything as carefully as you can, and spend the rest of the day trying to forget what you have seen. Tell no-one. How about making your own cottage cheese? It's not as difficult as you might think. Here's how to do it. Pour two pints of milk into a saucepan and heat it to about 200 degrees Fahrenheit. Gently stir with a wooden spoon to make sure the milk doesn't burn. Realise you have no idea what 200 degrees Fahrenheit is, burn the milk and the spoon, and start again. This time, take the saucepan off the heat in good time, pour in half a glass of vinegar and whisky until the milk starts to curdle. Cover the pan and leave for half an hour. That should have read: "pour in half a glass of vinegar and whisk until the milk starts to curdle." Oh well, too late now.. Line a colander with cheesecloth. If you do not know what cheesecloth is, use an old vest. Put the contents of the saucepan into the colander to drain. When the draining has more or less stopped, gather the ends of the vest and wrap the curd into a surprisingly unco-operative ball. Squeeze the ball until the cottage cheese is the consistency of your liking. Empty the cheese into a bowl and wonder why it stinks and is turning yellow before your eyes. Also, there is something moving near the edge. Dump the whole Godforsaken mess into the bin, buy a couple of tubs of cottage cheese from Sainsburys, and pass it off as your own. Tell no-one.