Forest 0 Stokes 0
The question as to whether any football was played in this match was overshadowed by the controversy over Stokes's kit. The purple colour (officially called "old lady's bruise") rendered the Stokes players semi transparent, a ploy to gain advantage sadly typical of Stokes manager Gary Rowatt. "He's always at it," complained one Forest fan. "Stupid kit, silly shoes - anything to distract attention from the terrible football he encourages."
There were a few chances here and there, a few passages of good play, some nonsense about a poppy, a penalty appeal which had Rowatt barking like a junkyard dog, but nothing which led to unbearable excitement or suicidal depression.
Forest manager Aitor Karanka said, "We gave them too much respect. My name is Aitor Karanka. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
Rowatt began, "In my opinion we were the better side.." after which there were a few sighs, somebody said "What a dick", and everybody left.
Sheep 0 W B Albinos 3
The Sheep's fart-generated bubble was well and truly burst by a rampant Villa in this humiliating defeat at the i-Pad stadium or wherever it is they play these days. Frank Lamppost commented: "We've had a great month and a game like this is actually a wake-up call and a reminder to all of us that, despite my trendy grooming and designer wardrobe, I genuinely don't know what I'm doing."
After Villa's first away win of the season, Villa boss Dean Smith said, "I told the players that today was an opportunity to draw a line in the sand. Some of them said there was no sand in Derby, but when I explained that I was using a metaphor they still didn't understand because most of them are thick. Still, this result gives everybody a Boost and that's the kind of chocolate treat everybody can enjoy because it's slightly rippled with a flat underside."
Norridge 4 Mewo 2
In a game which proved little more than how crap both teams' defences were, Norridge scored twice in injury time to take all three points. Why do people say all three points? Is there a version of three points which is somehow incomplete? Anyway, Norridge boss Daniel Farke said his side "proved they had been on the spirits" after the victory took them to the top of the Championship.
Loins boss Neil Harris was furious with the goals which denied his side a first win at Carrow Road since 1968. He said: "My six-year-old daughter plays in an under-seven team, but that's my problem. I am the captain of the ship so I take responsibility but the players involved have to hold their hands up and say it's totally their fault, the useless sods."
Later, the host of Quest's EFL show, Colin Murray, made a distasteful joke using the Norridge boss's name (something like "Farke in hell") for which he will hopefully be sacked so we won't have to listen to his noisy face again.
Miserablebugger 2 Wigan Car Park 0
Miserablebugger boss Tony Pulis expressed his annoyance at two goal striker Jordan Hugill after he scored both goals in Miserablebugger's two nil victory over Wigan Car Park. "When we paid Preston ten million for Jordan," said Pulis, "I thought I could mould him into the kind of blunt, non-scoring instrument I prefer, like I've done with Assombalonga. Things were going well until today. Now he's scored twice he'll turn into some namby pamby hipster type with a diamond in his nose."
Car Park boss Paul Cook insisted, "The goals we conceded today were not because we were under pressure, but because we're crap. The reason teams like Miserablebugger are near the top of the league is not because they are any good, but because we are crap. It's all our fault, really."
Bristols 0 Preston Nob End 1
A gumptionless match was decided by Callum Robinson's goal in the 35th minute, whoever Callum Robinson is. The whole match was peopled by players no-one has ever heard of, like a channel 4 panel game, but that didn't stop both managers burbling on endlessly about the game as if their jobs depended on it.
Nob End boss Alex Neil described his team's "perfect performance" in that relentlessly dour way of his. Bristols Lee Johnson, on the other hand, sounded like somebody with a metabolic disorder, like Mickey Mouse. He squeaked on about having quality in the side but not having enough quality, about being thirteenth and going on a run but not looking likely to go on a run, until he contradicted himself into a small suitcase and was taken away in a van.
Q.P. Ladies 3 Bentforward 2
Both these teams seem to work on the principle of Accidence, where success or failure is stumbled upon with little or no input from a guiding hand. Matches between such teams often end up tipping over into absurdity, as was the case here.
Bentforward went ahead after a lousy piece of goalkeeping, QPL scored three goals in ten minutes in the second half, Bentforward pulled one back in the 80th minute, and QPL bums squeaked painfully for the rest of the match. None of this was planned.
QPL boss Steve McClaren said, "I said we'd have to win not just on the field but off the field," later explaining that he didn't know what this meant. New Bentforward boss Thomas "Frank Thomas" Frank said, " In the second half we had a blackout for ten minutes. Neurological disability is a hard taskmaster," later explaining that he didn't know what this meant.
Boremingham 3 Ul 3
See above report. Two insecure sides displaying an appalling level of defensive dimwittery does not constitute a "great match", as the noisy faced Colin Murray would have us believe. And Che Adams scoring a hat trick is no cause for celebration.
Boremingham's Garry "Laugh a minute" Monk said, "You can have bad games or under perform, but you need to be able to do your job and the simple basics," which means "We had a bad game, underperformed, and didn't do our jobs or the simple basics." Ul's Nigel Adkins was in similar mood. After his usual lecture on the intricacies of tactical deployment, he concluded by saying, "We had to change our shape and go more direct." That would be hoofball, then.
Boln 0 Abertawe 1
A stunning strike from Abertawe's Barrie McKay - his first and probably last goal of the season - settled this tie, which meant that Boln had lost four in a row without scoring for the first time in their history. Abertawe had little to boast about, however. McKay's strike was replicated by Boln's Ameobi, only for the forward to see his shot hit the bar.
The two managers were probably a bit too honest for their own good. Boln's Phil Parkinson responded: "I don't know what to say," before saying an awful lot. Abertawe's Graham Potter said, "You need a bit of luck, of course, which thankfully we had today," which was oddly downbeat after a win. The downbeat, by the way, is the first beat of the bar. The upbeat is the last beat in the previous bar which immediately precedes, and hence anticipates, the downbeat. Both terms correspond to the direction taken by the hand of a conductor. So to be upbeat comes to mean looking forward in expectation, while the downbeat is the beat that the upbeat looked forward to. This makes no sense, of course, but little does these days.
Reading Ladies 2 Dipswitch 2
Dipswitch couldn't hang on to their first win in forever as a Reading player whose name sounded like a Belgian yoghurt headed an 84th minute equaliser after the away team had led for most of the game.
Reading's Paul Clement declared, "I think we were fortunate to get in at the half", which was not a misprint but a reference to his players' complete inability to think their way down a one-way street. He went on to say that he was embarrassed by his team's first half performance and that he "couldn't get his head round it," by which we believe he was referring to the one-way street, though it may have been something else.
Dipswitch's new manager Paul Lambert spent the entire match having fits in the technical area, and his post match comments - "I thought we passed the ball great, we looked great, we controlled the game" were indicative of serious cognitive failure.
Blackbum 1 Rotheringham 1
Somebody once said that playing Rotheringham was like being trapped between two grindstones in a swamp, a fate which Blackbum came to understand as they laboured fruitlessly for most of this match. With fifteen minutes left, however, Rotheringham scored, an event which took even Rotheringham by surprise. Six or seven minutes later, to no-one's surprise at all, Blackbum's equaliser came from the unwashed foot of the well known anagram Bradley Dack.
Blackbum's Tony Mowbray mumbled stuff about "frustration" like a man with bees in his mouth, whereas Rotheringham's Paul Warne seemed peeved by Blackbum's equaliser because "the cross came along the ground, which as far as we're concerned is cheating."
WB Albinos 4 Leed 1
Leed's decline took a demoralising lurch earthwards as they were thrashed by an Albinos side emerging from their own mini slump. All the goals came in the second half, and left one irate Leed fan saying "How can you expect a goalie called Bailey Peacock-Farrell to save anything?" Kemar Roofe was another target of abuse after trying to cheat his way to a penalty. "It's all he can do," said another fan. "Ask Forest."
Albinos' Darren Moore didn't say much, but did a lot of inward smiling. Leed head coach Marcelo Bielsa said sentences, some of which were oddly circular whilst others wandered off into the grass looking for nub ends. Sometimes, it seems, you get what you deserve.
Undead 0 Wendies 0
This game took place on a Friday, and may as well have not taken place at all. Apart from a saved penalty, a lot of huffnpuff, the usual gale of bluster from Chris Wilder, and a brief appearance by the oddly translucent Wendies boss, there was virtually nothing to get excited about, unless you are a connoisseur of dread.
Dread? Yes, dread. Wendies dread sinking towards the relegation zone, wheras the Undead dread admitting that their days as a top six side are numbered. You can tell this from the increasing spitefulness of Wilder's comments: "I'm not walking away tonight feeling any disappointment about how my team has played and I would rather be in our changing room with the way that we played, the plan we've got and the way we moved the ball around the pitch than the opposition's." He's a bitter man, and it's going to get worse.