Derby fan makes stupid mistake
A Derby County supporter who claimed he had a potato which bore a striking resemblance to Derby County manager Wayne Rooney has admitted that it was in fact Derby County manager Wayne Rooney. "I honestly don't know how he got into my bag of Roosters," said an embarrassed Jason Horsenut from Belph.[more]

You pays your money...
Sage scientist Dr Rose Helmet has said that the UK may well have passed the peak of covid infection, though at the same time may be a long way from it. "It's something to do with Schroedinger's Cat," she said, "or Pavlov's Dogs, or some such toss. Ask Whitty - he seems to know stuff." [more]

Tory anger at pork reference
Conservative MP Piers Fflorid, a fervent Brexiter, has angrily demanded that the word "gammon" be removed from café and restaurant menus as it is clearly racist. He has no objection to the terms "frog", "sauerkraut" or "any other foreign bollocks". [more]

Will Boris pull the plug?
Number 10 has denied speculation that Boris Johnson is planning a state of the nation address in which he will confirm that the UK is in such a f***ing mess he's decided to jack the lot in and go and live in f***ing Canada or somewhere. [more]

A Hundredweight of the same, please
The launch of The Hundred cricket tournament has received a lukewarm response after it emerged that it was suspiciously the same as all other forms of cricket. "The only real difference," said cricket fan Mandy Creosote from Richmond, "is that the commentators seem more interested in puerile, self-promoting jabber than the game itself. Michael Vaughan getting down with the kids is not my idea of fun." [more]

Bedsock fears horse invasion
Conservative MP Sir Simpson Bedsock has warned that offering the NHS workers a pay rise of over 3% will encourage them to buy more horses and stable them in Knightsbridge or the Cotswolds or somewhere. [more]

England triumph over small people
England Women beat Chile Women 2-0 in the Olympic football competition possibly because, according to BBC's chief football correspondent John Murray, the Chileans had run out of legs. [more]

Kulenovic deal sunk
The deal to bring Dinamo Zagreb forward Sandro Kulenovic to the City Ground has collapsed because of an "unexpected barnacle". New Forest CEO Dane Murphy said that random arthropods often made negotiations with Croatian clubs difficult. [more]

Man threatens violence against idiots
A man who thinks people are stupid has threatened to use extreme violence against the next person who uses the phrase "a real baller". Football fan Roderick Spume from Richmond claims he has already half-killed people who say "penno" or "gegenpress", so a few more broken bones won't be a problem. [more]

Met Office weather warning
The Met Office has confirmed that the heat wave currently affecting the UK has been caused by the weather. "That's why we've issued a weather warning," said senior meteorologist Dave Shirt. [more]

Turned out nice again
Craig Murray, the Dewsbury comedian with the "charismatic and friendly stage presence" has once again been voted Most Irritating Yorkshireman On Television for his work on the Plusnet advert. The cheekie chappie responded, "That'll do" in the eye-watering squawk he has made his own. [more]

Olympics postponed
The Tokyo Olympics have been moved to next Wednesday afternoon because, according to our sources, the GPs aren't doing house calls this week the lazy sods and Uncle Yoshimura is having the devil of a job dealing with this bankruptcy nonsense, so next Wednesday would be better for everybody really as long as it's the afternoon as I have a hairdressing appointment in the morning. [more]

Murphy's law
Nottingham Forest's newly appointed Chief Executive Officer Dane Murphy said his new club was "on the precipice of something really tremendous", thus illustrating that he may be great at recruitment, but understands bugger all about gravity. [more]

More Forest transfer woe
Nottingham Forest's stuttering transfer activity suffered another blow today when a player they had never heard of and in whom they had expressed no interest was snapped up by an unnamed Championship rival. No one at either club was available for clickbait. [more]

Coming soon - the Omega Variant
Scientists are concerned by the emergence of the Omega Strain, a covid variant which not only evades vaccines but also drags you out of your car at traffic lights and beats the living daylights out of you. "So far it seems confined to Swindon," said a leading epidemiologist, "but it could get serious." [more]