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You won't remember the Adventures of Robin Hood, will you Stress?
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The one with Kevin Kushner and that curly haired bint?
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No, that was Prince of Thieves, starring Kevin Costner. I'm talking about the TV series, starring Richard Greene.
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So who was the curly haired bint?
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Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio played Maid Marian.
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So she was in the Adventures of Richard Greene, was she?
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No, but that's not important. What I wanted to say was, there was one episode of the Adventures of Robin Hood which somehow brought King Richard and a Saracen Prince face to face in the middle of Sherwood Forest.
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Gosh Pie, what were they doing there? Were they scrumping?
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No, they were comparing their weapons, Stress.
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Oh, it was that kind of film was it?
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No it was not that kind of film. You see, King Richard wielded a huge English broadsword which weighed a ton but could break a log in two with one blow. "See how my mighty English broadsword has cleft that log in twain!" he said.
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So Richard Greene was really King Richard was he?
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No, but that's not important. The Saracen was not impressed by King Richard's mighty broadsword. He took out his own weapon, a slender, curved scimitar. He asked one of King Richard's knights to throw a silken scarf or handkerchief or whatever into the air. Up it went, and with one swish of his blade the Saracen sliced the silken scarf or handkerchief or whatever in two. "See how my razor-edged scimitar has severed that so-and-so in twain!" he said.
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Is this all true, Pie, or just another of your fibs?
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It is not a fib, Stress, but more of an illustrative fable derived from a much loved fiction. Which sword was more effective - the one that broke your back, or the one that sliced you open? The answer, of course, is that they are equally effective but in different ways. Which brings us to the match.
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It does?
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Yes. Forest were the scimitar, slicing through the Poo defence with the kind of deadly skill which other teams can only dream of. CHO, Elanga, Wood, goal. The strokes were so swift the Poo defence didn't even understand where all the blood was coming from.
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Hang on, Pie, this is getting a bit gory.
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The Poo were the broadsword, clubbing away at us until we got bored and bruised with their clumsy efforts and let Jota score like the ref wanted him to.
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I can do an Arne Slot impression, Pie.
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Really?
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Yes. Do you want to hear it?
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No.
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"Hello. I am Arne Shlot. I am Derch."
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A pathetic effort, Stress, of which you should be ashamed. Now if you don't mind, I shall attempt to conclude our match report.
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It's better than your Brian Clough impression. "Now then, yoong man."
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It wasn't what you would call a magnificent match, but there were lots of magnificent elements to it.
The City Ground was awesome. As some bloke in the Mail put it, "If there is a more intoxicating and beguiling place to watch Premier League football than the City Ground this season then it must have hidden itself." The energy generated by Wood's goal could have powered the city for a week. The Forest defence went beyond excellent into the realms of the unbelievable. Murillo was awesome. Even if they got past Murillo and Co they had to beat Matz Sels, which is becoming almost impossible. In all honesty, I don't think I've ever been so proud of a bunch of players wearing the Garibaldi. It was like they'd been through the storm of battle and come out with honour on the other side.
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"I spoke to der referee at half time. I shed he should not be punishing our playersh show much or indeed at all, and he should give ush many free kicksh in der shecond half. I shpeak like dish because we Derch are always pish on beer and cannabish."
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Stop it.
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"Get out of my head, you bashtardsh!"
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That's enough. You can't say that kind of thing.
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I didn't. It's in inverted commas, which means it was said by somebody other than me.
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I suggest you contribute to this match report in a more positive manner, Stress. For example, what did you think of Liverpool's performance?
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Honestly, Pie, I was disappointed. Without Mo Salad, who was neutered by Neco Williams, they showed as much imagination as a tankerload of silage. And I know why. It's because they aren't coached. The last coaching they ever got was under Klopp.
When Shlot came in, he thought "Being as I am a lazy Derch, I'll jush let them carry on der way they are." And that's why he was so angry, because Forest showed up his lack of preparation or tactical awareness or capacity to adapt. If you don't believe me, compare the development of Forest's players under Nuno and the stagnation of the Liverpool squad under Shlot. A bit of a fraud, if you ask me, is our Arne. If they win the title, it'll be the players who earned it, not him.
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An interesting point of view, Stress. It was a thrilling match though, wasn't it? Did you enjoy the experience?
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Nope. Hated every minute of it.
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Same here.
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match reports 24/25 
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