Core Syndrome "a worry", say doctors
A condition known as "Core Syndrome" is of growing concern to medical practitioners, experts have revealed. A side effect of covid lockdown restrictions, Core Syndrome presents as a psychological tic, rather like Tourettes, in which the patient spontaneously and involuntarily quotes lines from oft-repeated Freeview films. "It's not so bad when people quote snippets such as You know you'll never get me on that train, right?" explained leading diagnostitian Professor Wayne "Wazza" Dunnock, "or Request pleasure of the company of Second Officer Anne Davis at dinner. You can get away with stuff like that. But when you're in an important meeting and suddenly come out with Only a complete fucking idiot would try to reset the earth's magnetic field with a series of nuclear bombs! then it can be quite socially disabling."
Bozza claims voter fraud rife in pork pie factory
Prime Minister Boris "Bozza" Johnson is determined to press ahead with plans to deny the vote to people without Photo ID. "It's got to happen," said "Bozza" during a visit to a Lincolnshire pork pie factory. "It's got to happen because what we have here is dangerous, it's a dangerous situation, this voter fraud. The people I talk to, they're good people, they say voter fraud is everywhere, they're clever people, they know what they're talking about, they say voter fraud is a threat to our democracy. Look at Georgia. Look at Pennsylvania."
Daily Express weather predictions "a hundred per cent wrong all the time"
Research has found that every single front page weather prediction headlined in the Daily Express over the last thirty five years has proved to be false. Leading weather guru "Jezza" Biggs of the Weather Institute commented, "It's almost as if the people who work on that newspaper make things up as they go along, like retarded people do." The editor of the Daily Express refused to respond to the specific charge of being retarded, but commented, " You have to rember were jurnalists, not meteorites."
Derby Telegraph updates...
Derby County dig deep
A group calling itself "Justice for the Rams" has been set up by a section of the Derby County fanbase to combat what it perceives to be unfair treatment at the hands of the English Football League. Its members' main activities will involve having endless discussions about things they don't understand, indulging in embarrassing emotional flounces, hiding fom the truth in a hole of their own digging, and devoting a great deal of their time to making the world a funnier place.
Astra Zeneca "eternal life" claims debunked
Claims that a double dose of the Oxford/Astra Zeneca Covid19 vaccine can lead to immortality have been dismissed as "nonsense" by the Grand Wizard of Pandemonium, Professor Chriswitty. "What probably happened," explained the Prof, "is that some dunderhead misheard the word "immunised" for "immortalised" and shared his discovery on Twitter. It's just nonsense, of course." Asked whether all the other vaccines should be treated in the same way, Professor Chriswitty responded, "All of them except the Pfizer BioNTech one which is streets ahead in terms of the eternal avoidance of death. That's why it's so expensive."
They hang monkeys, don't they?
Labour's defeat in the Hartlepool by-election was nothing to do with politics, according to a leading local psephologist. "Jezza" Biggs of the Hartlepool Institute said that Labour's loss was down to Sir Keir Starmer having a face like a frozen leg of lamb. "Folks round these parts may not be the cleverest holes in the road," said Biggs, "but they can tell the difference between a genuine blow-up Boris Johnson and a bloke who looks as if he's just climbed out of a freezer."
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
to the last syllable of recorded time;
and all our yesterdays have lighted fools
the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
that struts and frets his hour upon the stage
and then is heard no more. It is a tale
told by an idiot, full of sound and fury