BEES COTTAGED OR WHATEVER
The Cottage People won, not because they were the better team but because Bentfor'd let down everybody in the world by being worse than useless in their opponents' penalty area.
Sadly, the only notable thing about this play-off final, apart from the fact that the three goals were scored by defenders, was the length of Tom Cairney's feet. I think they were the biggest feet I have ever seen. I mean they were huge - easily as long as his shins, and I'll swear they got longer as the match went on, like Dominic Cummings' nose, or a pair of magic clown shoes. By the end of the match they had brought Cairney to a standstill, being as he found it impossible to turn without fouling everybody in a ten foot radius.
LANDON BOYS WIN FROO
After the second legs of the Championship Play-off semi finals, Abertawe lost because their approach to the games, which mostly involved Ayew pretending he had just been floored by an invisible assailant, didn't cut the mustard at all, and their manager Cooper insisted on looking like Plug's ugly brother. Caerdydd lost because their manager Harris's teeth threatened to break out and eat his face, and their default playing style was desperately primitive. The Landon clubs played the better football, though the Cottage People wobbled badly towards the end. Bentfor'd should win the thing at Wembley, which hopefully means we'll no longer have to look at their manager Precious Thomas swanning around like a neurotic hipster. And the Cottage People's Scott Parker is a bit weird too, what with his jawline occasionally drifting out of sync with the rest of his head. In conclusion, I suspect Forest would have been beaten by Bentfor'd, though we would probably have made a better job of it than Cooper's Grotesques. #stillbitter
SOD THAT FOR A GAME OF SOLDIERS
Here we go again. I think the best thing to do with last season is to bury it deep in the archives where the potatoes live. On the subject of potatoes, this is a picture of our first potato lift (lift is the professional potato grower's term for the produce of one or two plants, or it would be if I hadn't made it up). We used this first batch to make many chips. We have other lockdown crops, including beans and a failed courgette.
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
to the last syllable of recorded time;
and all our yesterdays have lighted fools
the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
that struts and frets his hour upon the stage
and then is heard no more. It is a tale
told by an idiot, full of sound and fury