FA Cup final: Man City 6 Watford 0
Man City won on goals scored
"Sit deep, frustrate them, hit them on the break" was, apparently, Watford's plan. Sadly, the sitting deep bit needed a lot more patience than Watford could sustain, and the hit them on the break thing delivered only two or three bursts of energy, like a dying fly spinning on its back. In short, despite all the shouty, patronising commentary, Watford were so hapless they probably ended up considering packing in football and starting a pie shop.
Walsall dump five
After their relegation to League Two, Walsall have released Will Kane, Jonas Henderson, Martin Howe, Sam Fuller and Frank Miller, because they are all characters from the classic 1952 western "High Noon".
BBC live commentary a week late
Ofcom has criticised the BBC for "unacceptable delays" in its digital live text commentary service. Ofcom found that text commentary on football matches was generally delivered at least four minutes after the event. In some cases, commentary was abandoned altogether, and in the case of one mid-season Premier League match, the final two comments arrived a week after the final whistle. The BBC said it would react to the criticisms in a month or so.
Derby warned to stop behaving like dicks
Championship play-off semi(2) Leed 2 Sheep 4 - agg. 3-4
Sheep won.
The Football League issued a surprise warning to Derby County after their comeback against Leed sent them through to the Championship play-off final at Wembley. Football League Chief Official Mark Placement advised the club's players and management not to repeat their "bizarre" celebrations. "To be honest, they celebrated like dicks," he said. "We understand that the semi-finals have been likened to a Madame Tussaud's Comedy Special, but we don't want to see that kind of bizarre behaviour at Wembley. And while we're at it, they'd better win this time. The League would not look favourably at another failure from a club which seems content to waste everybody's time on a yearly basis."
Man vows never to watch football again after "horrible experience"
Championship play-off semi(2) WBA 1 Villa 0 - agg. 2-2 aet
Villa won on penalties
The second leg of the Championship play-off semi final was Clive Whistle's first ever football match. "I only went because my brother had a spare ticket," he said. "He supports one of the two sides. I'm not sure which."
Twenty two year old Clive will remember the experience for all the wrong reasons. "It was awful. It was like the players spent the whole match falling over or trying to hurt each other or trying to get this guy called Brunt sent off. It was like watching gangs of delinquents going at each other. Then one side scored and the noise was so loud you could almost eat it. It went on like this forever. It was like being in a Coliseum."
At the end of extra time the two sides were level on aggregate, so the tie went to penalties.
"I didn't understand that part," said Clive. "I couldn't work out whether the aim was to score or miss. Then it just ended, and some people acted like dicks and others were a bit miffed. It was a horrible experience, like watching a circus full of psychopathic clowns. I'll not be going again, thank you."
Premier League season ends with most statistics ever
The final day of the Premier League season may have generated a great big bag of statistics but failed to produce the elephant orgasm of excitement anticipated by many. Instead, a dry climax saw Man City take the title again, their rather awkward celebrations indicating the simple truth that a tremendous number of people are beginning to not care as much as the television companies think they should. Their victory over Brighton was both routine and inevitable, mainly because the total value of the Man City scorers ran into billions, whereas Brighton's scorer Glenn Murray was worth his weight in glue.
By far the most interesting result of the day was relegated Caerdydd's defeat of Man Utd at Old Trafford. It is fascinating to listen to an under pressure manager start to talk nonsense, and Solskjaer is certainly under pressure. Sentiments like "Today was not the problem..." or "The work starts now, everyone has the summer off..." don't really add much to the sum of human understanding. Perhaps if he said, "That indolent waster Pogba has no place in this team," he might regain a bit of the respect he has undoubtedly lost.
Greaselick inspires Villa win, it says here
Championship play-off semi(1) Villa 2 WBA 1
In a match notable for its fouling, cheating, diving, timewasting and high-octane mediocrity, WBA went ahead while the talkSport commentator was delivering a McDonald's Fun Football commercial. The same commentator went on to explain to us that talkSport was "the home of the EFL playoffs", and that there were "no away goals in the playoffs." Villa's struggles to shake off the label of useless tarts ended when Hourihane scored the equaliser, closely followed by a Greaselick inspired penalty which was put away by Abrahams. A thoroughly unpleasant match ended with the sending off of the thoroughly unpleasant Gayle.
Leed edge ahead in wholly uncontroversial match
Championship play-off semi(1) Sheep 0 Leed 1
Frank Lamppost admitted he got his team selection wrong by starting Nugent instead of Marriott up front. "Nugent may be a knackered piece of crap," said Lamppost, "but his slack-jawed antics always bring a smile to my face." Another clumsy and ill-tempered match seemed to be heading for stalemate when Lamppost urged the Sheep faithful to up the volume. Ironically, this distracted the Sheep players just long enough for the delightful Kemar Roofe to put Leed ahead. The game then degenerated into a trial of incompetence until Bogle went down in the Leed box. The ref, having indicated a penalty, changed his decision after consulting his linesman. This is where the "controversy" came in. There was, in fact, no controversy at all, despite what the eternal victims of Derby might say.
"Most amazing comeback" to be decided by one off match
With debate raging over which team, Liverpool or Spurs, staged the most amazing comeback in their Champions League semi-final, UEFA has decided to promote a special one-off match between the two teams to settle the issue once and for all. UEFA Chef de Fappe Georges Le Measurement said the match would be staged at a neutral venue, probably Madrid.
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
that struts and frets his hour upon the stage
and then is heard no more. It is a tale
told by an idiot, full of sound and fury
signifying nothing.