Following the humiliating 2-1 defeat at Craven Cottage, it has become clear that Nottingham Forest are on the cusp of terminal decline. The following document, produced by ACA Notts*, is intended to offer advice to supporters on coping with the catastrophic collapse of their club.

Stay indoors to avoid contamination by the miserable bastards who will most likely be roaming the streets. Make sure you have a battery powered radio and at least 100 toilet rolls. Stockpile food and water in a safe place, preferably in a cellar or under the stairs, or in a makeshift shelter made from cardboard or polythene sheets. Do not stockpile Pot Noodle.

If the collapse happens too suddenly for adequate preparation, curl up into a ball and press yourself against a brick wall, or get under a sturdy table or desk and cover your head with your arms.  Remember, if you can't see them, they can't see you. Avoid hiding under anything bought at Ikea.

During the collapse, social media will be populated by doomtrolls, devil worshippers, AI pornography, and people using the word "shit" a lot, therefore they should be avoided for the sake of your mental and emotional well-being. You may use this time to rediscover your love of reading paper books, or decorating a loved one with crudely executed tattoos.

If toxic contamination threatens to get out of control, the population of selected urban areas may be evacuated to towns where expectations are low, like Skegness or Derby. If this should happen to you, do not fraternise with the locals, do not wear red, and do not go out alone. Contact the nearest Forest fans group for humanitarian support.

Keep calm. Remember, you may have to stay isolated until the end of the season. Panicking at the onset of a crisis helps no-one except podcasters. Avoid thinking the worst, or hoping for the best. Avoid thinking at all.

If you must go outside, remember that the collapse of your club is no excuse for uncivilised behaviour. A dignified stance must be maintained at all times. Do not drink to excess. Do not cry. If you meet someone who says "I told you so," do not assault them. If you are unfortunate enough to contract incurable depression, you should avoid contaminating others by finding a quiet place to die, like a ditch.

If your grief is insupportable, consider moving house, changing your name, and supporting another club. Their grief might be even more artificial than your own.

  When you emerge from your isolation, you may find that, despite all expectations to the contrary, Forest ended up in one of the European places. You should also bear in mind that this is only one of an infinite number of possibilities. As we said before, it's best not to think about these things. After all, it's not as if there's been a nuclear war, is it?

*Association of Civil Authorities (Nottinghamshire division). Not to be confused with Associate Chartered Accountant, Adult Children of Alcoholics, or Association of Consulting Actuaries, which are real.