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It looks funny in German, doesn't it - sort of brutally sexual. But never mind that. This is the place to follow the Euros, especially if you've no other means of accessing them. We shall have comprehensive coverage of almost every match, and we begin with an exclusive interview with page 3 pin-up Josh Bellingham, who assures us that starring for England in the European Championships will not adversely affect his modelling career.

Sunday July 14th 2000 hrs   European Championship Final
Spain 2 England 1

We did our bit. We drank ourselves stupid for the lads. We laid our bets. We burnt our sausages and steaks. We waved our George flags, we channelled the spirit of Sir Francis Drake, we did everything the football industry and the retail sector and the betting companies instructed us to, but it wasn't enough, was it? Along came Southgate and his merry men, and ruined it for us.

What happened to all the hype? What happened to King Harry Kane's legs? Why was The Boy Prince Bellingham reduced to Jude the Obscure? Why was Foden allowed to go home to have a baby? Why did Saka not score every time he was given the ball? How many teeth has Declan Rice actually got? What kind of a name is Kobbe Mainoo? Why does Southgate sound like a grammar school R.E. teacher called Mister Weekley?

How dreadfully disappointing. We were promised the earth, and all we got was a mouthful of dirt. Shame on you, England, for spoiling our fun, for only coming second, for surpassing the achievements of Germany, France, Holland, Denmark, Switzerland, for losing to the best team in the tournament by one goal, for being human.

At least we didn't cry. How undignified was that?


Elliott (Mister) Anderson
We've no idea who you are, but welcome to Nottingham Forest.


Carlos Miguel.
Giant Brazilian goalkeeper.
Mate of Murillo.
Welcome to the Forest.

Nikola Milenkovic.
Serbian defender.
Hard as a rough cut diamond.
Welcome to Nottingham.

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