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BREAKING WIND

Germany 5 Scotland 1
Despite their lowly ranking, there's always one thing you can guarantee that Scotland will bring to a major championship - a great big wet sack of bugger all. We could get all patronising and say things like "it's still early doors" or "they almost drew the second half" or "the fans sang their hearts out", but that's the kind of comment that gets you chinned in all the wrong places. Perhaps Germany should be slightly concerned that they could only put five goals past the boys in blue, or that they seem to have got an aggressively bonkers manager.
Europameisterschaft
It looks funny in German, doesn't it - sort of brutally sexual. But never mind that. This is the place to follow the Euros, especially if you've no other means of accessing them. We shall have comprehensive coverage of almost every match, and we begin with an exclusive interview with page 3 pin-up Josh Bellingham, who assures us that starring for England in the European Championships will not adversely affect his modelling career.
Farage's fortunes
Twenty eight year old left wing hate mob Josh Greally has been charged with threatening behaviour and wearing a hoodie after he threw something vague from a bucket at Nigel Farage but missed. Not so long ago left wing hate mob Victoria Thomas Bowen, 25, threw a banana milk shake at the Reform leader. In a joint press conference, both left wing hate mobs accused Farage of not understanding white culture.
Rishi's ramblings
Conservative Central Office reports that Rishi Sunak will today be paying a brief visit to Hell, where he will call on the cat who holds the chance of him becoming the next Prime Minister. Tomorrow he will be flying off to meet a pig.
Here is yesterday's weather
BBC weather presenters have been warned against using the term climate change in their forecasts. Weather which cannot be dismissed as "not unusual for this time of year" must be attributed to any or all of the following: the jet stream, el ninho, bank holidays, unsettledness, Siberia, the wrong kind of wind, a vengeful God.


Controversial Joke of the Year award
This year's favourite - "I must get a potato clock / I must get up at eight o'clock" - came a disappointing fourth, as the judges considered it too confusing for mass appeal. First place was awarded to last year's winner - "You can't get me I'm parked on the onion", and second and third places both went to Gary Neville.
Hair today, gone tomorrow
This potato-like creature is in fact Wayne Rooney, who has been appointed head coach of Plymouth Gargoyle. "We escaped relegation by one point this season," said Gargoyle chairman Simon Hallett. "We think Wayne is the ideal candidate to finish the job properly."

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