You've not read it?

Read what, Pie?

The letter.

What letter would that be, Pie?

The letter from Forest to its fans.

That's us, isn't it, Pie?

It certainly is, Stress. Would you like me to read it?

I can hardly wait, Pie.

Dear Nottingham Forest Supporters...

So it was written in green, was it, Pie?

No, I'm just reading it in green. Shall I continue?

I can hardly wait, Pie.

Dear Nottingham Forest Supporters,
I am writing on behalf of the board of Nottingham Forest to apologize for the appalling display by our players in the two nil defeat to Reading on Saturday.

I like this letter, Pie, because it's polite, and it displays an understanding of football equal to my own. It was an appalling display, and we did lose two nil to Reading Ladies. Read on, Pie.

It would be wrong to lay the blame for this dreadful performance solely at the feet of the players. As acting manager Simon Ireland said, "They wanted to show that they could move on." The real blame, it is clear, lies with departing manager Aitor Karanka.

Do you know, the less I think about it, the more I agree with what this bloke says. I started by having sympathy for Karanka, but now I think I hate him.

But you haven't heard his reasons yet.

Oh I'm sure they'll be acceptable, Pie.

After destabilizing the club for many months, Karanka decided to abandon the team on the eve of an important match. This unforgiveable behaviour left the players confused and demoralised, and led to their lamentable performance at Reading.

Of course. You know, I found it hard to believe that Karanka could damage our club so badly, but now realise that he carried on doing so even after he left. I believe this because this bloke says it's true in long words, and that's good enough for me. How about you, Pie?

Oh I agree, Stress. I'm convinced by his arguments because they're in green.

Is there any more, Pie?

There is, Stress. Shall I read it?

I can hardly wait, Pie.

Karanka's campaign of disruption began in October, when Our Owner visited the training ground to offer encouragement and advice to the players. Since that time it quickly became apparent that Karanka had no interest in promotion, and worked tirelessly to hinder Our Owner's ambitions. Our Owner appointed several technical assistants to aid the manager, but to no avail. It was with great regret that the board were eventually forced to accept the manager's resignation.

My God, Pie, it's all so clear now.

Evidently, rumours have been circulating that Our Owner's expectations were unreasonable and that Karanka was forced out. As the representative of a board which is proud of its ethos of honesty and transparency, I can assure fans that these rumours are untrue. If you speak to the players and the local media, you will soon realise that we are all working towards the same end.

He's right, Pie. Anybody who bad-mouths Our Owner should be shot, in my opinion.

The board is now busy selecting a new manager for this great club. We are sure that the successful candidate will attract the full support of you, the fans. Remember we are all working together to put this great club where it belongs. To think otherwise would be unproductive.

You know, Pie, I don't think I've ever been so confident in the competence and honesty of Our Owner and His Board. I'm sure you feel the same way, don't you Pie?

It all depends, Stress.

On what, Pie?

On whether you've read the last sentence of George Orwell's dystopian novel Animal Farm.

I don't know what any of those words mean, Pie.

It goes as follows:

The creatures outside looked from Marinakis to Hasawi, and from Hasawi to Marinakis, and from Marinakis to Hasawi again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.