Barrel of cheese, barrel of cheese,
I'd give you a squeeze for a barrel of cheese,
I don't like cabbage and I don't like peas
But I'd sell my liver for a barrel of cheese.

What's that then Stress?

It's The Barrel of Cheese Song, Pie, sometimes simply referred to as "Barrel of Cheese".

So it's not a match report. Because I thought you were supposed to be doing a match report.

It's part of the match report, Pie. I spent the entire second half with my eyes closed singing The Barrel of Cheese Song to myself. It was the only way I could stay sane.

You're sure about the sane bit, are you, Stress? Singing a song about cheese during a football match smacks of psychosis to me.

No, Pie, not at all. Some people did go mad, though. The bloke in front of you was rocking backwards and forwards saying, "I've seen things, man." And there were a whole heap of nutters who stormed out at half time and, according to the East Midlands Bugle (evening edition), "rampaged through West Bridgford stealing people's shoes." And who can blame them, eh Pie?

You're making this up, aren't you?

Only on a metatarsal level, Pie.

I don't care what kind of level you're operating on, you'll have to give us some kind of match report sooner or later.

Barrel of cheese, barrel of cheese...

No, we've covered the second half. Let's hear your report on the first half.

If you insist, Pie. Here are some home truths, and this is Mister Stress reading them. Watson had a bone in his leg. Worrall should stop gobbing off and learn to play football. Robinson defends like a barrel of cheese. Cash eventually spiralled up his own arse. Watson scored once, but that was a very long time ago. Yates is just an out of control digger. Silva and Carvalho were just nesh, and the Lord High Grabban may as well have been in Skegness. Rhodes scored more goals in this half than he will ever score again in his professional career. If Forest had been a horse, they'd have been put down at the end of the first half.

Is that it?

You should know, Pie. At the end of your last report, did you not predict that Sheffield the Wendies would reduce us to "a tasteless, quivering purée"? So, in a way, this shocking capitulation is all your fault. So if you want to carry on broddling through the entrails of this match, feel free. I've had enough.

But surely this is all Boris's fault, isn't it Stress?

Barrel of cheese, barrel of cheese.

Do you think Lamouchi can fix this?

I'd give you a squeeze for a barrel of cheese.

How about the booing? Did you join in the booing?

I don't like cabbage and I don't like peas...

Is it the end of our promotion hopes, Stress? Is it really the end?

But I'd sell my liver for a barrel of cheese.


Please note: the Barrel of Cheese song is subject to a world-wide copyright. Any unauthorised public performance or reproduction will be considered a breach of intellectual property rights and subject to the maximum penalty deemed appropriate in law.

August 2019 promotion top dday