contact us match reports 23/24 ltlf forums talkback trentend vital forest

SEASON 24/25 PREMIER LEAGUE MATCH REPORTS AND STUFF

premier league game 1     august 17th 2024 Nottingham Forest 1 Wood 23 AFC Muffs 1 Semenyo 86 DON'T PANIC UNTIL IT BECOMES NECESSARY Nobody knows what will happen in a football match. Old Uncle Boff used to tell the story of how his team, the Carlton Stoppers, were expecting a right drubbing against league leaders Edwinstowe Welfare. After 2 minutes of incessant Edwinstowe pressure, several sink holes opened up in the pitch and swallowed the entire Edwinstowe side. Remarkably, the Stoppers were untouched, and awarded the win by default. Nobody knows what will happen in a football match. Acceptance of this principle implies certain things. It confirms the idea that predictions are pointless, possibly the most pointless activity in human history, except for punditry. Predictions are simply a way of trying to energise a meaningless existence. Pundits are just parasites, and almost always leave the world a poorer place than it was before they opened their stupid gobs. So we approached the beginning of another Premier League season bravely pretending that this time things were sure to get better but dreading that sink holes might open up on that beautiful pitch. It didn't take long for the Uncertainty Principle to take effect. The mood was positive. Mister Sosa was introduced. Taiwo was on the bench. The Muffs' kit had been designed by a daft kid. The singing was joyfully intimidating. Forest looked sharp. People were soon convincing themselves they were going to win. Eleven minutes in, Danilo broke his ankle. It was a horrible, unexpected thing. Danilo's season was over in the blink of an eye. It was the kind of thing that makes a mockery of plans and predictions. The people who were convinced we were going to win now withdrew into despair. Losing suddenly became the most likely outcome. Yates came on for the unfortunate Danilo. Not long afterwards a breathtaking move through the heart of the Muffs' defence ended with Yates driving the ball goalwards. Neto batted it into the path of Wood, who coolly steered it home. Suddenly things were looking good again. Now Forest were definitely in the ascendancy. With Sangaré looking almost imperious, Elanga and CHO both coming close, it seemed only a matter of time before Forest would double their lead. So, of course, the Muffs scored. Their goal came from a short corner, a smart-arse reverse pass, a low cross and a powerful finish from Dango Quatarra, star of many a low budget spaghetti Western. And, now that Forest's perennial crapness at defending set pieces had re-emerged, the know-it-alls smelt blood. "Our perennial crapness at defending set pieces has re-emerged," they moaned, "which will surely lead to ignominious defeat as we always knew it would." When the VAR check disallowed the goal for clear offside, the mood became tangled. Relief brought new hope that this might be Forest's day after all, but the weakness against set pieces remained. Some tried to argue that Forest had caught the Muff bloke offside by design, others said it was a fortunate accident. If you stand on the north Pole, your emotional compass will spin like a bluebottle. Forest tried to maintain the offensive, but the game became a bit too end-to-endy. Willy Boly almost won it with a magnificent header, but Neto stretched to make a fine save. The Muffs pretended to look dangerous, but didn't have much of an end product. Perhaps, just for once, the Lords of Mischance would leave us alone, give us a clean sheet, a win, a position in the top five or six. Would they buggery. The Muff equaliser, when it came, was a thing of grotesque misfortune. A speculative cross was met by a firm Toffolo boot, from where the ball bounced back off Murillo's head and into the path of Semenyo who couldn't miss. Nobody was to blame. It was just rotten luck. The Muffs didn't exactly deserve it, though their slightly deranged manager would claim they did. "It had been coming for half an hour," said Mister Know-it-all, with the certainty of somebody reading a bus timetable. He was wrong, of course. Nobody knew what was coming for half an hour, because nobody knows what will happen at any given point in a football match. Ask Danilo. Ask Old Uncle Boff. The trick is to avoid predictions, punditry, and anyone who claims prior knowledge, and simply embrace the chaos of direct experience. You are allowed to make up your own mind about things, even if that means saying you don't know. Ride the wave (and it promises to be a hell of a wave) and you might just save your sanity. Nuno described Danilo as "a wonderful boy... you know him, always smiling, always with this joy." Best wishes kid, get well soon. premier league game 2     august 24th 2024 Sthmptn 0 Nottingham Forest 1 Morgan Gibbs-White 70 PLAYER RATINGS by Miserablebugger Matz Sels : A disappointing display from the Belgian stopper whose contribution was limited to saving a Kyle Peter-Walkers effort which came straight at him. Needs to get more involved. Not Kyle Peter-Walkers, he was okay. We went to Brussels once, it was awful. Rating: 2 beans Neco Williams : A disappointing display from the Welsh full back who has now failed to score in both this season's games. Made several overlapping runs which ended with bad decisions or faulty execution. He was born in Cefn-mawr under a huge viaduct, which explains a lot. Rating: 3 beans Ola Aina : Another goalless outing for the London-born full back. Like the Welsh fellow on the other wing, some speedy bursts ended in disappointment, like odourless farts. Defended well, once, but Alex Moreno is waiting in the wings. Can Ola keep his place? Do wood lice have tiny motors? Rating: 3 beans Nikola Milenković : Frightening bloke, hard as granite, with the disturbingly dead eyes of his Serbian compatriot Novak Djoković. Looked dangerous in both boxes, but missed a sitter, which nobody will ever remind him of if they value their own well-being. Rating: best footballer we have ever seen Murillo : Had little to do, but did it with a disappointing lack of the Brazilian flair of last season. Kept Sthmptn at bay, which was a bit like fending off moths. Rating: 3 beans Ibrahim Sangaré: : Looked almost imperious in the first half, even coming close with an effort from range. After the break, however, he grew so frustrated by the increased pressure from Sthmptn that he decided to kick the insides out of anyone not wearing blue. Will only become a favourite when people forgive him for keeping them up till after midnight on transfer deadline day. Rating: 3 beans Elliot Anderson : Disappointing from the expensive Whitley Bay midfielder. Some tackles and passes, which one might expect of a footballer, but his set pieces were as disappointing as a cobbler's thumb. Whitley Bay is where Count Dracula landed in England, which explains why north easteners are as pale as bottles of milk. Rating: 2 beans Morgan Gibbs-White : A curious egg of a performance from the Forest captain, except that, after his goal, he sprang to life like a coked-up Zebedee. His goal was not "scrambled", as the BBC described it, but a thing of twice-controlled beauty, once when he directed CHO's cross goalwards, twice when he steered the rebound home. Rating: egg and beans Anthony Elanga : A typically frustrating performance from the Swedish forward. Some breathtaking runs failed to produce a reward, mainly because Swedes are better at ice hockey and recycling than Premier League football. And making furniture. And cake. Got kicked a lot. Rating: 3 beans Callum Hudson-Odoi: : A quiet day for the Wandsworth winger. Like his attacking mates, his bark was worse than his bite - lots of threat, but no teeth. Not that he doesn't have a full set of pearly whites, you understand. Assisted with the goal and came to life after it, but the Sthmptn goalie was equal to CHO's trademark shot, which might be ominous for his future goalscoring efforts. Rating: 3 beans Chris Wood : Spent much of the game finding decent positions and barking at his fellow forwards for not supplying him with decent balls. Had a cloth-footed shot or two, but overall a very ordinary performance from a man with a very ordinary name. Perhaps that's what he needs - an exotic double barrelled name like Christopher Wood-Hardener or something. Rating: 3 beans Ryan Yates (for Sangare, 66 mins) : Should have been on earlier. When Forest wilt, as they always seem to, Yates is an invaluable addition, like a buzz saw in a tomato factory. Rating: beans and tomatoes Nicolas Dominguez (for Anderson, 75 mins) : Came on, did stuff, went off. Rating: 1 bean Willy Boly (for Hudson-Odoi, 90+1 mins) : Came on, stood firm, went off. For those who reckon he should have started, who would he replace? Rating: 2 beans Jota Silva (for Gibbs-White, 90+1 mins) : At least he knows where the pitch is, which won't stand him in any stead at all because Forest won't be playing Sthmptn next season. Rating: 1 bean Sam Barrott (referee) : Seemed to be following the PGMOL anti-Forest handbook by booking Nuno after Elanga was one of several Forest players hacked down by Sthmptn thugs, but calmed down after Milenković gave him a look. Rating: no beans today Match of the Day : What a crock of poo that programme has become. If Man City or Man Ure or Arse or Spurs had been involved in 0-0 draws, would they have been put on last? What a fossilised crock of sycophantic drivel that programme churns out. Rating: eff off premier league game 3     august 31st 2024 Nottingham Forest 1 Wood 10 Wolverhampton Wonderbras 1 Bellygarde 12 WHAT'S YELLOW AND DIRTY? I've wrote a pome, Pie. You were supposed to do a match report. I have, but in the form of a pome. Do you want to hear it? Not really. The match kicked off at 3 o'clock, The singing was incred, The Wonderbras wore yellow tops, And Forest played in red. Incred? Street talk, Pie. The Wonderbras, they had no points, And Forest thought they'd win, And lo, the manager of Wolves, He didn't have a chin. The Wolves attacked with funny names But Forest would not breach, And down the other end they went And thundered home a peach. All hail Chris Wood the mighty man Who rises like the Reaper, His far post header barrels past The Wonderbras' new keeper. The devils cried "off side!" of course As Woody's bolt went in, But vainly came the protests from The man without a chin. You know this is awful, don't you Stress? But Forest's joy was minutes old When things went all to puke, As Forest failed to clear their lines And Bellegarde scored a fluke. O Sangaré, O Sangaré, Your play's as sweet as sugar, But other times, O Sangaré, You're just a clumsy bugger. The game went on at hectic pace, All rhythm shot to hell, As Toti should have been sent off And Bellygarde as well. Sadly the ref seemed half asleep, Alone and gently dreaming Of dusky maids on distant shores, And deaf to all the screaming. Gibbs-White's free kick went mighty close! The Wolves fans gave him stick, But deaf to all their loathsome chants Was England's newest pick. Two hand-ball penalties denied! Murillo's head sent spinning! A save from Sels! A try from Wood! Both sides intent on winning! Five mins to go, the game to win, Murillo's pass to Wood... The mighty striker slots it home But wait - the goal's not good! It doesn't count, it was offside, And so the game is done. A draw sounds like a fair result But Forest should of won. How oft we hear that sad refrain At setting of the sun, They battled hard and did their best, But Forest should of won. Should have won. Or should've won. Not should of won. You ruin everything, don't you Pie? You know what your trouble is, don't you? You just don't appreciate art, that's your trouble. As Old Uncle Boff used to say:   "Beware he who proclaims as art The ramblings of a tedious fart." premier league game 4     september 14th 2024 The Slots 0 Nottingham Forest 1 Hudson-Odoi 72 A THING OF BEAUTY IS A JOY FOREVER Nottingham Forest beat Liverpool at Anfield for the first time this season in a match which ended in victory for Nottingham Forest. We say this because we're sick of hearing that the last time Forest won at Anfield was in 1969, as if generations of Forest fans have spent the intervening years unable to live productive lives because of it. So, as far as we're concerned, the last time Forest beat Liverpool at Anfield was in 2024, one day ago. Despite having hired their own officials and commentary team, Liverpool never looked like the team which had scored seven goals in three straight wins. This was possibly because, unlike other Premier League teams, several of their players had returned jaded from international duty. Or because some of them were grumbling about new contracts. Or because several might be thinking that if they wanted to work under a useless Dutch manager, they could have joined Man United. Or simply because Forest outmatched them. We will never know. The match began with the kick off, and it was not long before Forest's tactics - using a packed midfield to stifle the home side and Ryan Yates to kick the crap out of Robertson and Mac Allister or indeed anyone in red - became clear. Forest's defensive resilience was so strong it reduced Salah, or some bloke who looked a bit like him, to moping around in a profound sulk. Diaz could only kick the ball against some wood. Diogo Jota headed meekly into Matz Sels' hands. Alexander Armstrong-Jones spent the afternoon labouring under the delusion that he was better than everybody else so he could complain about anything he wanted to. That was about it as far as Liverpool were concerned. Very little went right for them. It was as if they and their supporters were singing the wrong tune, like that drunk bloke who steps up on the karaoke stage, murders "I Did It My Way", and vomits on his shoes. Forest, on the other hand, did almost everything right. If Ryan Yates had stopped Diaz slithering through on goal, and Matz Sels had resisted the temptation to behave like a Harlem Globetrotter, their performance would have been perfect. As it was, Liverpool received plenty of warnings about the danger of Forest's counterattacking, what with Wood, MGW and Elanga all having serious chances to score. The goal, when it came, was a thing of beauty. Another dithering Liverpool attack was broken up and Elanga hared down the right wing, eventually curving a beautiful cross-field ball to Hudson-Odoi. CHO then did what he does - cut in from the left and curled it beyond the keeper, the ball clipping the inside of the post on its way to the back of the net. Dreamland. As the doom-mongers are so fond of saying: "It had been coming". Sadly for Liverpool, the fact that they didn't see CHO's signature move coming is evidence of a lack of proper preparation. Complacency? Arrogance? We will never know. What we do know is that Nuno and his merry men got things magnificently right. The pressing, the defensive assurance, the substitutions, the counter-attacking threat, the 100 minutes of unrelenting effort, all were brilliantly effective. What we also know is that, as we write, Liverpool haven't beaten Forest at Anfield for over 1200 minutes. And counting. Sorry, we've got to go now. Birthday stuff. premier league game 5     september 22nd 2024 Hove 2 Hinshelwood 42, Welbeck 45 Nottingham Forest 2 Wood 13 (P), Sosa 70,   MGW 83 Brighton 2-2 Nottingham Forest: Morgan Gibbs-White sent off during entertaining draw after referee caught drawing ball-shaped television After a heavy tackle on Brighton's Joao Pedro by Morgan Gibbs-White in the 83rd minute, the referee appeared to deny the home side's claims for a yellow card by indicating that Gibbs-White had played the ball. Moments later the referee sent the Forest captain off by showing him a second yellow. Later, Jones insisted that what many interpreted as a "ball" gesture was in fact his attempt at indicating a television. "I was asking for help from the VAR," said Jones. "Just because I don't understand the protocol and my drawing skills are naff doesn't mean I am a bad person." The referee also sent off Forest coach Nuno Espirito Santo for "pointing aggressively" and the Brighton coach Fabian Hürzeler for being somebody he'd never heard of. This incident provided a sour ending to what had for the most part been a sour match. Played in a stadium named after a high-fee credit card not accepted by a surprisingly large number of companies, the match began with the home side pretending to look threatening but having the impact of a small bout of flatulence. It was Forest who struck first when Callum Hudson-Odoi was felled by Baleba in the Brighton box and Chris Wood confidently put away the penalty. For most of the rest of the first half, the biggest worry for the Forest fans was trying to work out what a Pervis Estupinan was, and whether you could buy one online. The Brighton fans had to wait until the end of the first half to raise a cheer. Cheeky chappy Jack Hinshelwood equalised with the kind of brilliant header he will never manage again in his whole career, and a few minutes later Abrahams floated a free kick into an empty net with the confidence of somebody who genuinely thinks he's really good. In the second half, Nuno introduced Jota Silva, Williams and Yates for Ward-Prowse, Moreno and Elanga in an attempt to regain some momentum. The Paraguay forward Sosa was also brought on shortly afterwards, an indication that Forest were confident that Jota Silva would combine with Sosa to provide them with an equaliser. And so it proved. Once more the Brighton rear guard were left high and dry by an astute pass from Gibbs-White, Jota Silva burst away from the lumbering Dunk and slipped a cross to Sosa who scored an easy goal. If there is one criticism of Forest, it is that they didn't take full advantage of Brighton's defensive stupidity. Playing a high defensive line with a bunch of slowcoaches will lead nowhere, unless they can score lots more goals, which they probably can't because their forwards too often flatter to deceive. But that's their problem. Then came the Gibbs-White incident, and even with ten men Forest showed enough guts and ambition to go for the win, which they almost got. But perhaps a draw was fair enough. The post match interviews were interesting. Nuno's second in command Rui Pedro Silva gave a gracious and considered response, whereas Brighton's Cockney wide boy Andrew Crofts whined on about how they should be winning "matches like that". A while ago Liverpool boss Slots uttered a similar sentiment. Apparently other clubs are finding it hard to stomach the idea that Forest are starting to match them. Don't be annoyed by the lack of credit Forest are being given at the moment. Surely you can understand that Manchester City versus Arsenal was a match of far greater significance and deserving of over twice as much air time as a grubby little contest on the south coast, even if City are being investigated for crimes against humanity and have a manager who makes as much sense as a meat grinder. Simply be pleased that we swim below the surface. That way, the poor sods won't know what hit them. premier league game 6     september 28th 2024 Nottingham Forest 0 Cottageboys 1 Jimenez 51(P?) So Forest's unbeaten run came to an end against the Cottageboys DID IT REALLY yes it did, but it wasn't really as bad as some people make out WASN'T IT REALLY no it wasn't. Here are a few consoling thoughts... Okay, so Nuno probably picked the wrong starting line up. I mean, which numpty plays two big strikers and leaves a complete supply line of wingers on the bench? Dearie me. The only consolation is that you and your friends would have done things differently, because you're not as stupid as you look. This should provide some comfort in your desolation. "We would have done better with MGW". You might use this as an excuse for Forest's midfield ineptitude, but all you're really doing is stating the obvious. I'm not sure what comfort you can derive from saying that the team weren't as good without their best and most inspirational player, unless you're trying to lever yourself into a conversation which threatens to pass you by. I suppose you could spend lonely evenings singing a suitable lament, to the tune of "My Bonny Lies Over The Ocean".... If Morgan had played we'd've walked it, With Morgan we might even win. We'll get bugger all without Morgan 'Cause Morgan Gibbs-White is our king. Bring back, bring back, oh bring back my Morgan to me, to me, Bring back, bring back, oh bring back my Morgan to me. At least Taiwo was back and looking sharp, until he wasn't. If that early overhead kick had found the net, things would have gone biblical. "And the Lord shall sweep mine enemies from the face of the earth" is what would have happened, and everybody would have gone home and had jam for T. You should console yourself with the thought that, although Forest's performance was a bit of a negative mess, Fulham only won because of incompetent officiating. If Forest can play that poorly and face down some fancy pants north-bankers whose manager rattles on like a toy machine gun and wouldn't know the truth if it crawled up his drainpipe and bit him in the lobby, they probably haven't got too much to worry about. To make yourself feel better, imagine for a moment that you were referee Josh Smith and any of the VAR people. Imagine trying to live with yourself after failing to award Forest a penalty when Elanga was kicked in the box, nor even considering it worthy of a check. "I was only following the script" you might say, but that wouldn't help at all, while your conscience gnawed away at the rotten tissue of your soul. Just thank heaven you're not, like them, encased in the silence of the damned. If you're still feeling down, you might consider trying to solve the riddle of James Ward-Prowse. The answer, by the way, is "Nobody knows", which, come to think of it, probably makes things worse. Cheer yourself up. After the FA Cup 1-1 draw between Worksop Tigers and Kings Lynn, Kings Lynn officials accused Worksop fans of drunken and abusive behaviour. A Worksop spokesman denied the charge, saying Worksop fans were only "half as drunk as they used to be." At least our owner isn't a mean spirited petro-chemical polluter whose attempts at sportswashing lead to bitterness and decline. And we're still above them in the table, whoever they are. We hope these thoughts, many of which are based on truth, provide you with some degree of consolation for Forest's defeat DID WE LOSE REALLY yes we did THANKS FOR REMINDING US that's all right. Perhaps also they might generate some confidence as we go on to meet Chelsea at Stamford Bridge the stadium in London not the pretty little village in Yorkshire where I once dropped my glasses in a mill pond DID YOU REALLY yes I did. Fear not - this is not the beginning of the end, nor is it the end of the beginning. It may be somewhere in the middle. You can never be sure about these things, can you? premier league game 7     october 6th 2024 Chelsea 1 Madueke 57 Nottingham Forest 1 Wood 49, Ward-Prowse 78 THE NORTHBANK REDEMPTION If the media got off its collective bum and were forced to characterise Nottingham Forest, they would have to describe us as "The Team What Doesn't Take Shit From Nobody". Forest's latest victims were the Mighty Chelsea, whose recent success had transformed it from a team with a nice kit to a team oozing glamour, goals and Cole Palmer. A team so much up its own backside it was taking selfies of itself as it walked out onto the pitch. Chelsea made the terrible mistake of assuming they would dispose of the team from Ap Nofe as one might bin a used yoghurt carton. The expectation of successfully completing this assignment was high, because nobody expects a yoghurt carton to fight back. They should have known better. Perhaps they should have realised after half a minute, when Yates left Fernandez on the floor, that it was not to be Palmer who ran the game, but the Nottingham man and his rough mates. Sadly, the hosts failed to understand what was happening to them for a long time, instead pretending that their swanky flicks would eventually and inevitably produce the goods. The trouble was, with CHO being used to neutralise Cucurella and Ola Aina bracing Forest's right, Chelsea got nowhere down their left. On their right, Palmer swaggered about like a slack jawed incompetent and Madueke fired every shot wildly wide or over or both. While Chelsea laboured to penetrate the red wall, Forest occasionally reminded them that they too could play threatening football. After ten minutes a promising Forest move ended with Yates bulleting a header straight at goalkeeper Sanchez. Forest continued to play some neat stuff but failed to find a good final ball. Around the half hour mark, sensing Chelsea's confusion, Forest pressed forward dangerously. Murillo intercepted a loose crossfield pass, drove towards goal and unleashed a stinger which Sanchez is probably still feeling. For a while, Forest were on top, Milenkovic was lurking ominously in the Chelsea box, and the Forest fans sang "We're Nottingham Forest, we'll sing on our own". And some other stuff too. The first half ended in a scatterbrained way. Murillo lost the ball deep in defence, chaos ensued, little girls screamed as the ball rebounded off the post behind Matz Sels, who eventually scooped the ball off his goal line and coolly set Forest on their way. Forest stormed down to the other end and manufactured an opportunity for Yates which was blocked. The last five minutes threatened to die of a heart attack, so was probably relieved when the whistle went. And what had Chelsea learned? That poncing around trying to look cool was no way to earn a living. That Cole Palmer had misplaced every pass he had attempted and ended up just looking lazy and gormless. That Nottingham Forest were not prepared to take shit from anybody, especially this bunch of bad haircuts. Roll on the second half. If the first half was a rehearsal, the second half was the real thing. On 48 minutes Jackson ploughed through Ward-Prowse and gave away a free kick. As the free kick was taken, Madueke was "inconvenienced" by Moreno, which left Milenkovic free of attention apart from that of Gusto, who provided little resistance. Milenkovic nodded sideways to Wood, who slipped it skilfully past Sanchez. From beginning to end, it was a very clever goal. Forest controlled play for ten minutes or so while they searched for another goal. They nearly got it too when Anderson steered a shot at Sanchez. The Chelsea equaliser came from Madueke, the man who couldn't hit a shot on target all afternoon. The irony was that, if he had hit the shot properly this time, it would probably have smashed into one of the three defenders in his way. As it was, he scuffed the shot and it bobbled through three pairs of legs into what goalkeepers call the rabbit hole. You might imagine Forest would wilt, but not so, not this Forest. They stubbornly resisted, but were brave enough to push forward when they could. Gibbs-White's injury seemed to galvanise them further, while Chelsea players, especially Jackson and Palmer, sank into a kind of petulant stupidity Forest were still pressing when Ward-Prowse got himself sent off for hand ball as Jackson threatened to break free. He shouldn't have bothered, of course, because everybody knew Jackson would have cocked things up anyway. Chelsea tried hard, they really did, but ten man Forest had their measure. Palmer was running on increasingly sunken hips, Chelsea seemed mesmerised by their own lack of guile, and their frustration boiled over when Neco Williams tripped Cucurella on the touchline in retaliation for an earlier foul. The only thing the ensuing "brawl" proved was that Chelsea were a bunch of entitled cry-babies and Cucurella was a bit of a rat. But we knew that anyway. Felix came on and was useless, even at diving. Neco nearly scored. Matz Sels made three close range saves and a tip over, thus entering the zone of unbeatable insanity which all goalkeepers strive for. Ryan Yates kept pulling the game back Forest's way by manufacturing free kicks against a rather dumb Caicedo. And still ten man Forest tried to get forward. Why? Why didn't they just play keep ball? Because they wanted to win, and knew they could. They actually ended the match on top. Instead of wasting time in the corner, Aina played a beautiful ball to Jota, whose downward header forced a fingertip save from Sanchez. Forest played for twenty six minutes with ten men and almost won it at the end, like Andy Dufresne crawling through those sewer pipes to freedom. As for Chelsea, well, they'll probably learn nothing from this encounter. They might even deny it ever happened. It's what really dumb people do, after all. They play Liverpool next. You remember them - the ones we beat on their own patch, because we're proving to be better than anyone wants us to be. premier league game 8     october 21st 2024 Nottingham Forest 1 Wood 65 Palearse 0 SO... Okay Stress, off you go. So, proceedings began when everybody booed the Premier League National Anthem. So why did they do that, Stress? So, because it's a garbage piece of music. I never even realised it was music. I thought it was some weird kind of feedback. And because the authorities have declared war on Forest. So, is that really true? So, yes. Nuno banned, MGW banned, Mister Markymarks illegally banned from his own stadium. And £825,000 worth of fines in one month. If somebody played the Russian anthem in Ukraine, they'd get booed too. So, yes, but... So the match began with Forest looking a bit nervous and sloppy cos that's what they do at the City Ground and Palearse trying to take advantage what with Evereddy Eze, Kamala and Nketiah firing in longe-range shots that did not trouble Matz Sels but if they had he would have saved them because of his general magnificence. And Lerma got booked, because he always does. So, a nervous start from Forest? So yes, I already said that. Have you been asleep? But then the game went a bit bonkers. Mister £35000 Anderson dribbled through the entire Palearse defence like a ferret but his effort only won a corner. A Wood's header was cleared off the line. Nketiah shaved a post. A Yates header bounced off a post but Wood couldn't finish it. Wood fired a header wide and everybody thought it was going to be one of those days. So, was it? Was it what? So, was it one of those days? So, no, of course not. What's wrong with you? You were there, weren't you? So yes, but it's your report. I'm just providing you with continuity prompts. So, Aunty Maybelle had those, didn't she? She went to the doctor and he said, "You've got Continuity Prompts, Missis Aunty Maybelle. Apply this soothing balm eight times a day and you'll soon be aw rate." I remember it distinctually. So, what are you talking about? So anyway the match got a bit edgy. Palearse cobbled together a few chances but they ended up being magnificently saved by the magnificent Matz Sels, who was magnificent. Many of the Palearse efforts had to be long rangers because Palearse knew that trying to get through the Forest defence would be like trying to break into a bank vault with a plastic spoon. But once again it began to look like one of those days. Which it wasn't, was it? Because I was there. So, there has been some debate about the quality of Chris Wood's winner. Some say his shot was half hit. Some say Dean Henderson has paper hands. Some say the moon is a giant camera. All I know is that Alex Moreno pumped a long ball forward, and Chalobah's soft defensive header was met by Wood, who drove the ball plenty hard enough to squirm under Henderson's wrist. Woody did a thumbsucking-ball-up-the-jumper celebration because apparently he is pregnant, which may be a good thing. So, everybody went home and had jam for tea? So, not quite. There were one or two half-hairy moments, but overall Forest coped well and the crowd helped them through. It was when the announcement of 7 extra minutes came that I realised something very deep. So, what was that then? So, the game is not about tactics or form or talent or luck. No. The game is about numbers, pure and simple. Think about it. 3 match ban, 1 match ban, 1 match ban, 5 match ban, £825,000 fine, Mister £35000 Anderson, 1 goal, 5 goals in 8 games for Wood, 3rd Forest player to score 20 PL goals, 1st home win, 3rd best defence, 3 points, 13 points, 8th place, 7 minutes. I could go on, but you get my point? So, no I don't. Not at all. Your insight is about as significant as counting up the number of so's in this report. What I really want from you is some indication of the quality of Forest's performance. How would you say they played? So so, really. That's twenty five, and mine's a pint. premier league game 9     october 25th 2024 Lestericity 1 Vardy 23 Nottingham Forest 3 Yates 16, Wood 47, 60 AS IT HAPPENED UPSIDE DOWN Here we are at the King Power stadium which is seething with a kind of noisy, synthetic desperation. Forest's team is unchanged from the one which started against Palearse. Lestericity's team is full of names which we do not recognise or are misspelt. 4mins: Lestericity 0 Forest 0 Quiet start. The Lestericity right back seems to be adopting an inverted midfield position which can lead to twisted bowel trauma. 10mins: Lestericity 0 Forest 0 A strange, hollow cheer greets a Lestericity corner which is dismissed by the Forest defence as one might dismiss a fly or an attractive but incompetent maid. 12mins: Lestericity 0 Forest 0 Forest appear to be doing nothing but are in fact simply waiting for Lestericity to make a mistake... 16mins: GOAL!   Lestericity 0 Forest 1 ...which comes as the Lestericity defence makes a thunderous botch of clearing its lines and offers Ryan Yates the opportunity to screw the ball home from twenty yards. A mishit, some will say, cunningly disguised as a beautiful strike. 23mins: GOAL!   Lestericity 1 Forest 1 You can say what you like about Vardy, but he can still scuttle along like a rat in a drain. He can also score goals too, as he slots home a fine cross from the amusingly named Harry Winks who sounds like one of Fagin's ragamuffins. 25mins: Lestericity 1 Forest 1 Forest threaten to strike back almost immediately as the Lestericity defence once more wanders off for a smoke, leaving Dominguez an infinite amount of time and space to drive the ball into Mad Hermadson's knee. Bugger. 34mins: Lestericity 1 Forest 1 After a period in which the Lestericity fans try to convince themselves they are in with a chance, the twisted bowel bloke gets booked for bringing down Elanga. 36mins: Lestericity 1 Forest 1 CHO tests Mad Hermadson from distance. Hermadson is doing remarkably well, considering that he always seems to be unsighted by his own defence. 40mins: Lestericity 1 Forest 1 Forest's Moreno is booked for treading on a Fatawu. HALF-TIME: Lestericity 1 Forest 1 The half ends with a damp shot from Lestericity's Mavididi, who was born, unsurprisingly, in Derby. The media will no doubt be touting this as one of those thrilling, evenly matched contests which can swing either way so stay tuned etc, but I think wiser heads can see the direction things are heading. 46mins: Lestericity 1 Forest 1 The second half begins with Derby's Mavididi getting booked for messing with Aina's shirt, which we only mention as a prelude to... 47mins: GOAL!   Lestericity 1 Forest 2 ...a tremendous Forest goal. Cheeky chappy Harry Winks gives the ball away. Forest work the ball out wide, then chop it back to Wood, who rolls Okoli and drives the ball into the bottom corner. We've seen him do that before. We've also seen Mad Hermadson unsighted before. The home fans are drowning in a sea of Forest noise. 51mins: Lestericity 1 Forest 2 Vardy feels Milenkovic's breath on his shirt, trips himself up, and calls for a penalty. Everybody has a good laugh, even VAR. While we're about it, Vardy could be Fagin, and Harry Winks his Artful Dodger. Got to pick a pocket or two, my boy. 55mins: Lestericity 1 Forest 2 The away fans are now singing stuff from the Devil's Own Songbook about people being on fire and defences crapping themselves. CHO cuts in and bends one of his trademark shots beyond Mad Hermadson but the ball rebounds off the post and is driven wide by Mister Anderson. Unlucky, but Forest are well on top. 57mins: Lestericity 1 Forest 2 Harry Winks (tee hee) gets booked for messing with Aina's shirt, which we only mention as a prelude to... 60mins: GOAL!   Lestericity 1 Forest 3 ...a third Forest goal. Matz Sels launches the ball upfield, where Faeces allows the ball to bounce, tries to retrieve the situation with a poorly directed backward header, and allows Wood in to nod the ball over Mad Hermadson. Wood makes it look simple, but quick thinking and perfect technique like that are rare indeed. 67mins: Lestericity 1 Forest 3 Lestericity take off the twisted bowel bloke and Derby's Mavididi, and bring on Ayew and El Khannous, which should make an enormous difference. 70mins: Lestericity 1 Forest 3 A fourth goal beckons for Forest as Murillo's shot reaches Yates, who slices over from a couple of yards, thus confirming his underlying lack of quality to those with brains made of Weetabix. Weetabix used to be good, but now it is made of dust and spit. 80mins: Lestericity 1 Forest 3 So many substitutions. Anderson and Moreno off for Morato and Williams. Indeedy off for Soumare. CHO and Elanga off for Sosa and Jota Silva. Wood off for Awoniyi. Uncle Tom Cobbley off to Wetherspoons. 85mins: Lestericity 1 Forest 3 This match is done, apart from the sweepings. The sweepings include Jota shooting wide and several thousand Lestericity fans leaving to catch the last bus. 86mins: Lestericity 1 Forest 3 Forest fans, who have a refined sense of cruelty, chant the name of Steve Cooper. Ayew is booked for not being able to handle it. 90mins: Lestericity 1 Forest 3 Seven minutes added - just enough time for Forest to score a couple more or for the rest of the Lestericity faithful to leave. 90+5mins: Lestericity 1 Forest 3 Soumare booked, Milenkovic booked. This is what these extended extra times are designed for - encouraging mistakes from tired and desperate players. It all adds to the fun, doesn't it? FULL TIME: Lestericity 1 Forest 3 Three points for Forest, who blew Lestericity away in the second half. They are now in the highest position they have been in since these reports began. The only compensation for the home side is that they could have conceded six. As for Steve Cooper's future, well, we can only hope he gets the sack, because he would then be free to get a proper job. premier league game 10     november 2nd 2024 Nottingham Forest 3 Wood 27, CHO 65, Aina 78 Wet Hams 0 Alvarez 45+2 SUCH STUFF AS DREAMS ARE MADE ON I have had many strange dreams, of endless roads and houses I once knew, and wordless encounters with half remembered friends, but none so strange as this. Vetch... I did not realise I knew so many people, thousands upon thousands of them. The noise they make seems to add capacity to the stadium. How can that be? How can a stadium grow heavier and yet strain at its moorings like a great ship in a storm? While the noise becomes solid, the people, the players, the grass, the wood and metal and concrete all become somehow vaporous, as if everything you took for granted has resolved itself into a dew. Vetch... This can not, of course, be happening. That team out there, that Forest team, can not be playing with such confidence. Do they not realise that Wet Hams have recently humbled ManUre and got the two-headed Dutchman the sack? Have they no regard for the likes of Fabianski, Alvarez, One-Bissaka, Paqueta, Bowen, Antonio, Inks? Why are they treating such exotic creatures with contempt? Vetch... And there's some fool beside me talking about "liquid football" when everybody knows that Forest do not play like this, especially at home, and all that concerns me is the anxiety that all is not well, that all this confidence will crack like an eggshell and reality will come crashing in. Do you know what I mean? No. Vetch... But then we score. It is a thing of no little beauty, like a finely engineered device performing with simple efficiency. A clever pass from Dominguez sends Moreno down the left. His cleverly executed cross reaches Wood, who nods it home. Several things are now in dreamland, including the three defenders who stand and admire Wood's header. The crowd noise bulks out the stadium even more, and underneath the noise you can hear the ropes creak. Vetch... Only idiots have their heroes, they say, but this is a dream, and in this dream Chris Wood is becoming immortal. As half time beckons, the mighty man blocks a shot by Paqueta deep in the goalmouth, thus becoming a jack of all trades, and master of both. To add to the surreality of it all, some fool called Alvarez clatters into Elanga, is sent off, and gets lost in this unfamiliar territory. I know how he feels. No territory is more unfamiliar than Forest seeing justice done, however late it might be. Vetch... Some dreams are so strange that they actually feel like dreams, like life reflected on the skin of a bubble. This is one of those dreams, because you cannot really believe what is happening. It cannot be true that Forest are playing with such ease while real world anxiety suggests that one goal may not be enough. So Forest score another. I say "so" because it seems somehow inevitable. Even the trajectory of Callum's trademark curler, deflected by a literal hair's breadth, seems guided over Fabianski's outstretched arms. And the stadium moves - you can feel it - not simply shudders with the vibration of so many voices, but actually moves, as one side cants upwards by an inch or two and is caught up by the other side and from deep below there comes the sound of the City Ground tearing away from its roots... Vetch... ...which proves beyond all doubt that this is a dream like no other. Nothing is real, nor anywhere near being real. In what reality does Ola Aina strike a twenty yard missile into the back of the Wet Hams net, or the crowd make such noise that it lifts the stadium off its moorings into the clear air, or Forest be so dominant that shot after shot fizzes past the Wet Hams goal, or finding a way to look over the stands to see the Trent beneath and watching the Wet Ham fans falling to earth in fear of missing the last train to London, and wondering how you will get home but not caring too much because you know the Forest fans are going nowhere until the whole damn thing comes back down to earth. Vetch! Yes sir? Where's my breakfast, Vetch? Your boiled eggs and toast soldiers are in the dining room sir. Now if you don't mind, I must leave at once, or else I shall be late for the match. You and your damned football. Who are the buggers playing today? Wet Hams sir. At the City Ground. If it's still there.

premier league game 11     november 10th 2024

Nottingham Forest 1 Murillo 22

Newcastle Spiffs 3 Isak 54, Joelinton 72, Barnes 83

Sorry, we won't be doing a report on this one, as we spent a large part of Sunday afternoon by the hospital bed of a family member who had suffered severe injuries in a road accident. We'll be back as soon as we can. R.I.P. mate. Safe journey home.

premier league game 12     november 23rd 2024

Arse'nal 3 Saka 15, Partey 52, Nwaneri 86

Nottingham Forest 0

YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED by our London based media correspondent Dick Smart Did Arse'nal play yesterday? Not only did the Arse'nal play yesterday, the Arse'nal played magnificently. Did Arse'nal play magnificently yesterday? It cannot be emphasised too much how magnificently the Arse'nal played. Bukayo Saka and Thomas Partey both scored stunning goals for the Arse'nal before Ethan Nwaneri's first Premier League strike sealed victory to end a four-game winless run in the top flight for the Arse'nal. Did Arse'nal win? Not only did the Arse'nal win, they won in style. Bukayo Saka and Thomas Partey both scored stunning goals for the Arse'nal before Ethan Nwaneri's first Premier League strike sealed victory to end a four-game winless run in the top flight for the Arse'nal. So the Arse'nal won 3-0? They certainly did. It was returning captain Martin Odegaard, playing his first Emirates Stadium game since August, who set north London alight in the first half. The Norwegian combined brilliantly with Saka down the Arse'nal right and it was no surprise that the combination led to the Arse'nal's opening goal after 15 minutes - with the Arse'nal's England winger latching onto Odegaard's flick before driving across the box and arrowing a superb effort into the far corner. One nil to the Arse'nal. There were reports that Arse'nal's first goal made Paul Merson ejaculate. Was that true? To be honest, it made all lovers of top-six football a little damp. Eight of the Arse'nal's first-half shots were either from or created by the excellent Saka. It became nine shortly after half-time as the Arse'nal got a second, though this time the effort came from outside the box as the Arse'nal and England winger teed up the Arse'nal's Partey to curl home from 25 yards. Two nil to the Arse'nal. How did Forest respond? Who? How did Nottingham Forest respond? I'm not sure I understand the question. How did Arse'nal's opponents Nottingham Forest respond? Is that entirely relevant? It's more important, surely, to record the sustained brilliance of an Arse'nal performance which culminated in Nwaneri's first Premier League goal, as he tucked home fellow substitute Raheem Sterling's cross to seal the points for the Pride of North London. Three nil to the Arse'nal. But Forest did have their best players missing, didn't they? Who? Arse'nal's opponents Nottingham Forest did have some key players missing, didn't they? I think it's more important to concentrate on the positives, don't you? The fluidity, understanding, chemistry and timing of an Arse'nal who looked like their old selves again. This was much more like the Arse'nal of last season that dominated games and gave very little away at the other end. Who was your man of the match? Saka, no doubt. The Arse'nal's England winger was at his silky smooth best, dancing across the turf like a painted angel. Thanks to him and his brothers in arms, the Arse'nal now move to six points behind Sky Six leaders Liverpool. Forgive me, but did Forest turn up? Who? Did Arse'nal's opponents Nottingham Forest actually turn up? Well they must have, I suppose, else they wouldn't have conceded three goals would they? To be honest, God and all his Heavenly Host could have pitched up at the Emirates and the Arse'nal would still have played them off the park. So none of the Forest players caught your eye? Not really. They had a goalkeeper I believe. They must have done, or else Arse'nal's Trossard and one or two other Arse'nal players would have scored too. Did you not realise that this was considered one of Arse'nal's trickier ties? Forest began the season well and drew high praise from the media before these latest defeats. That's what happens isn't it? The media build you up with exaggerated praise and ludicrous puff pieces with the sole aim of questioning your right to exist when things go wrong. Isn't that what you've just done with your Arse this and your Arse that and your Arse the other? What happens when Arse'nal lose? Oh come on, now you're being silly. Just look at the headlines. SAKA STARS AS GUNNERS END WINLESS RUN, THOMAS PARTEY STRIKE SECURES WIN, SAKA'S GUNNERS FLASH STYLE, ARSE'NAL EASE PAST SOMEBODY OR OTHER, GUNNER'S YOUNGSTER WRAPS UP EASY WIN AGAINST NORTHERN NOBODIES. With headlines like that, how can Arse'nal not win the league this season? As a wise man once said, yesterday's chip paper is tomorrow's toilet roll. What?

premier league game 13     november 30th 2024

Nottingham Forest 1 Wood 49 (pen)

Dipswitch 0

Some games are like Monopoly - nobody knows exactly how to play it, some of the pieces are broken or missing, it causes tempers to fray, and it ends up being so boring it seems to last forever. And nobody ever remembers it. This game was so unmemorable that we couldn't think of much to say, so we did a player ratings thing instead. Matz Sels - spent much of the game trying to settle an argument between his left-hand and right-hand posts as to which was taller. Apart from one and a half saves, he didn't have much else to do, which is always a sign of a good defence, a garbage opposition, or a faulty memory. Rating: Vine Street. Ola Aina - his goalline clearance was somehow typical of the player himself - there was no panic, just a cool, almost casual dismissal of the ball while everybody in the stadium was having a heart attack. He gives the impression of always having time, and enjoying the time he has. Rating: Park Lane. Nikola Milenkovic - we used to sit next to a young bloke in the Trent End who we called The Murderer, because he looked and behaved like a murderer. Then he disappeared, and Stress is convinced he came back as Nikola Milenkovic. He does give the impression of being massively capable of inflicting terminal damage, but he is far too efficient an operator to sink to such levels. Rating: Bond Street. Murillo - awesome, as usual, but only because he is paired with Milenkovic. The two complement each other perfectly - one of them is crazy, and so is the other one. Should have scored with a fine header, but the Dipswitch goalkeeper Muric only went and saved it, innit. Rating: Regent Street. Neco Williams - in a rare start, Neco threatened going forward, looked occasionally dodgy going back, and took some very Welsh free kicks. Welsh free kicks are like Welsh Cakes, which look nice but taste like rabbit currants.Rating: Marlborough Street. Ryan Yates - is getting too cocky for his own good. Tricks with the ball, venomous shots steered off target, indulging in fitful bouts of elbow tennis ... it's as if he spends every game trying to convince everyone how good he is. Not a bad motivator, that. Rating: Trafalgar Square. Elliot Anderson - wasn't fully fit, so concentrated on running himself daft rather than turning on the style. Rating: Bow Street. Morgan Gibbs-White - looked sharp enough after his recent absence, trying a sharp header in the early minutes, but, like everybody else, struggled to create chances against the thick blue line. Perhaps he'll find his best against Man City, and get their incoherent manager the sack. One can but dream. Rating: Fleet Street. Jota Silva - we love this bloke, he reminds us of a small bench saw which has broken free of its moorings and is careering wildly around the workshop. Or Taz the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Tunes. He is dynamic, unpredictable, wears the wrong boots, and got the penalty that won the game. And he's better than the Man City Jota Silva, if you catch our drift. . Rating: Piccadilly. Callum Hudson-Odoi - bit of a blunt instrument in this one. It's now up to Nuno and his team mates to restore the confidence he seems to be lacking. Rating: Pentonville Road. Chris Wood - has ceased being a footballer and morphed into a record collection, especially that one about him being the joint top PL Forest scorer with Bryan Roy. He's not as skilful as Bryan Roy, but at least he doesn't play in a sleeping bag in the winter. And he could easily have been awarded two more penalties if the ref hadn't taken pity on Dipswitch. Rating: Leicester Square. Others - there were substitutes, but none made a significant difference, and anyway it seems daft rating people on limited opportunities. A Dipswtch, by the way, is a Dual In-line Package switch, which is  a set of small manual electronic switches that are designed to be packaged with other circuits. The term Dipswitch may refer either to an individual switch on a multi-switch unit or to the entire unit as a whole. This goes a long way to explaining why Dipswitch are second from bottom.Rating: N/A. By the way, notice anything wrong in this statement from Dipswitch Town FC? "At the same time, we respect the decision of our captain Sam Morsy, who has chosen not to wear the rainbow captain's armband, due to his religious beliefs." Yes, you've got it. It's the incorrect use of "due to". "Due to" is an adjective phrase, and should therefore qualify a noun, noun phrase or pronoun. The statement should have read "..whose choice not to wear the captain's rainbow armband is due to his religious beliefs." If you get the grammar right, all controversy falls away.

premier league game 14     december 4th 2024

Mancheater City 3 Silva 8, de Bruyne 31, Doku 57

Nottingham Honest 0

RADIO DAVE'S FOOTBALL FONE-IN Well that wasn't a load of fun, was it boys and girls? Let's see what you thought about it. Who's that calling on line 1? HELLO. Yes, who's there please. HELLO. Can you hear me, line 1? THIS IS RAY FROM TUXFORD. Ray from Tuxford? Are you sure that's not Raymond from Tuxford, who has been banned? NO, THIS IS DEFINITELY RAY FROM TUXFORD. RAYMOND FROM TUXFORD IS AN ALTOGETHER DIFFERENT PERSON OF WHOM I KNOW LITTLE, BUT WHOSE VIEWS MAY SUBSTANTIALLY COINCIDE WITH MY OWN. I see. Only you're shouting, just like Raymond from Tuxford. I'M SHOUTING BECAUSE I'M FURIOUS. I'VE BEEN A LOYAL NOTTS FOREST FAN SINCE PUBERTY, DAVE, AND I CAN HONESTLY SAY I'VE NEVER SEEN A WORSE PERFORMANCE THAN I SAW LAST NIGHT AT THE EMIRATES STADIUM. Etihad. Emirates is Arsenal. ETIHAD, EMIRATES, WHO GIVES A DONKEY'S BOLLOCKS WHERE THEY PLAYED. THEY WERE APPALLING. NOT ONE PLAYER DID ANYTHING OTHER THAN BRING SHAME ON HIMSELF AND HIS GENDER. That's a bit harsh, Ray. I KID YOU NOT, THE FOREST LADIES, BLESS 'EM, WOULD HAVE PUT UP A BETTER PERFORMANCE THAN OUR SO CALLED MEN. Now come on... DAVE, DAVE, TELL ME ONE PLAYER WHO DID WELL. GO ON, ONE PLAYER. YOU CAN'T CAN YOU? Matz Sels. GOALKEEPERS DON'T COUNT. NAME AN OUTFIELD PLAYER WHO DID WELL. YOU CAN'T, COS NONE OF THEM DID. MALENKOVIC? RUBBISH. MURILLO? ONE THIRTY YARD SPECULATOR, DEFENSIVELY RUBBISH. AINA? COULDN'T COPE IN WHATEVER COCKEYED SYSTEM HE WAS ORDERED TO PLAY IN. MORENO? NOT A DEFENDER. GOT OWNED BY BANANA SILVA. YATES? RUBBISH. ELBOW GREASE DOES NOT A MIDFIELDER MAKE. DOMINGO? RUBBISH. ELANGA? HAD A GO I SUPPOSE BUT STILL RUBBISH. GIBBS-WHITE? ONE SHOT AT THE GOALKEEPER FROM OUR ENGLAND STAR. SILVA? OK BUT TOO MUCH LIKE A PENNY BANGER. AND WOOD. DEARIE DEARIE ME. MISSED A SITTER, GOT HOOKED, END OF CAREER. WHAT A SHAMBLES IT WAS. Well thank you Ray, it's always interesting to listen to... BUT THAT'S NOT THE WORST OF IT, DAVE. Oh really..? NOT BY A LONG CORK. A MATE OF MINE WHO'S IN THE KNOW RECKONS THAT THE PLAYERS WERE ACTUALLY INSTRUCTED TO PLAY BADLY. BY NONE OTHER THAN A CERTAIN MANAGER HIMSELF. Well obviously. Why else would they have played so badly? EXACTLY! AND IF YOU DIG A LITTLE DEEPER, YOU START TO UNCOVER SOME SHOCKING TRUTHS. Really? Do tell. LOOK AT OUR THREE HEAVIEST DEFEATS OF THE SEASON. 3-1 TO NEWCASTLE, 3-0 TO THE ARSE, 3-0 TO MANCITY. NOW TELL ME, WHAT DO THOSE THREE CLUBS HAVE IN COMMON? They all scored 3? NO. They're all better than us? NO. What then? THEY'VE ALL GOT MONEY. LOTS OF MONEY. MONEY TO THROW AROUND, IF YOU CATCH MY MEANING. Well no, not really. MY MATE WHO'S IN THE KNOW SAID THAT A LITTLE BIRD TOLD HIM THAT THESE CLUBS MAY HAVE GREASED THE PALM OF A CERTAIN MANAGER TO ENSURE THAT THEIR TEAMS WEREN'T TOO INCONVENIENCED BY A CERTAIN MANAGER'S PLAYERS. Well that sounds fairly plausible, Ray. Perhaps you should inform the football authorities of your suspicions. NOT ME, DAVE. YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE TO GET INVOLVED IN THESE MATTERS. WHAT I CAN SAY IS, I DON'T THINK YOU'LL FIND A BETTER EXPLANATION OF FOREST'S PERFORMANCES. Well yes you can, Ray, if you have something approximating to a brain. CHRIS HUGHTON WOULD NEVER HAVE TOLERATED THIS LEVEL OF CORRUPTION. Just bugger off Ray or Raymond or whoever you are. And don't come back. SACKING CHRIS HUGHTON WAS THE START OF FOREST'S DECLINE, DAVE. WHY CAN THE WORLD NOT SEE THIS? Bye bye Raymond. CHEERS DAVE. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

premier league game 15     december 7th 2024

ManUre 2 Hoijland 18, Fernandes 61

Nottingham Forest 3 Milenkovic 2, MGW 47, Wood 54

THE AWAKENING That was a really odd experience. The negativity we dragged in from the City defeat would not go away. Even scoring after two minutes generated a fragile kind of euphoria which evaporated when ManUre walked through our midfield and beat Matz Sels at the second attempt. The second half was not so much odd as traumatic, which led us to the conclusion that commenting on a match while having a heart attack was nigh on impossible. We sensed that Forest's midfield had narrowed and consolidated, making ManUre's progress more difficult, but we had no idea how Forest conjured up two goals. Not at the time, anyway. At the time, the joy and confusion were tainted with dread, especially when Fernandes scored ManUre's second with ages to go before the final whistle. There's nothing wrong with recording your feelings during a match, except that you have to admit afterwards that they were probably misplaced. So let's have another go... Milenkovic's goal after two minutes was brilliant on so many levels. It shut the crowd up, showed how smart we were at set pieces, showed how crap the ManUre defence was, gave Milenkovic the chance to roar like a lion, and suggested to us that, had we attacked ManCity like that, we might have jiggered them too. Hojland's equaliser followed some neat football, but the goal itself was a bit fortunate. Sels blocked the first effort, but the rebound gave Hojland the simplest of tap ins, which was probably the only way the sixty four million pound dud was ever going to score. While we're at it, let's not be too negative about MGW's goal. Okay, Onana ended up looking like a twerp, but many a batsman has prepared to off-drive a 90mph ball only to see it swing late across his body and clip his leg stump. MGW's tentativeness disappeared, his confidence grew, and England have beaten New Zealand by 323 runs. While we're at it, let's not be too negative about Wood's goal. Okay, so the ManUre defence ended up looking like twerps, but a re-enthused MGW crossed perfectly for Wood to choose his spot. Wood did what Wood does, which in simple terms means heading the ball exactly where he wants it to go. The confusion it caused was his fault. What was not his fault was ManUre's failure to deal with it. Fernandes scored a smart goal, which resurrected those negative feelings again, but it shouldn't have, because, after Fernandes was taken off, all ManUre could manage was to demonstrate what a ragbag outfit they are. ManUre's new manager is still trying things out, still coming to terms with just what a horror show he has joined. Since Ratcliffe and his hit men took over, all ManUre have seen is poor management, ridiculously shoddy recruitment, cost cutting, ancillary staff sacking, cancellation of ticket concessions, plummeting morale, and no upturn in form. The Sporting Director has just left. If I were the new bloke, Amorim, I'd be thinking of clearing off too. If you ever feel negative about Forest, think about Lord Jim Ratcliffe's ManUre Adventure, and breathe easier. So Forest saw out the match with no real alarms, and the outpouring of devotion towards the players and Nuno and the much loved Gary Neville left us all a bit drunk with joy. It also left us thinking ... why during the match were we so negative, so untrusting of our own players? Why even after the match did too many of us ascribe this victory to ManUre's incompetence rather than Forest's ability? It's time, we think, for this inferiority complex to be put in its box. As Izzy Christiansen said on the BBC, "Overall, what a performance from Nottingham Forest. They had real authority, real craft and guile, hard work, dedication and a plan. It's a brilliant result for them." And we would never argue with a woman.

premier league game 16     december 14th 2024

Nottingham Forest 2 Milenkovic 87, Elanga 90+3

Villa 1 Duran 63

YOU BEAUTIFUL REDS

"I didn't walk all the way to the pub and pay nothing to watch this garbage" was an all too common reaction to the first half from people who think football should be like a video game with bombs. They failed to appreciate how Ola Aina dogged the irritatingly dangerous McGinn as he moved in from the left, leaving the combative Dominguez to make life uncomfortable for the irritatingly dangerous Digne. Thus Villa's main left-field threat was nullified. Of course, with no pace on the right, Forest's attacking options were limited, but the priority was to stifle, and stifle they did. But then, Villa seemed cautious too, so the game appeared to be going nowhere. Anyone with a proper appreciation of football would realise what was going on in that first half. Those lacking any tactical awareness probably found something else to do, like blowing up sticklebacks Ha ha look, bits of fish!   While we're talking all things irritating, could we draw your attention to the minority of Forest fans who went out of their way to praise Villa. "I've always liked the Villa," they say. "I'm glad they're doing so well. I certainly appreciate the acumen of manager Unai Emery and have to concede that, whatever the result, they are a better side than Forest." Such people should be reminded of their tribal responsibilities. A Forest fan is not a football fan, but a fan of Forest. Liking a Villa side whose players fall over a lot and whose manager talks rubbish like a squeaky toy ("The VAR is a big mistake. I respect the referee, I respect the VAR, but the VAR is to help the referee”) is just not on.   After Martinez had saved Villa with a smart save from a Dominguez header, Villa's first and only goal came from a good header by Duran. Sadly for them, they probably had never heard the portentous words of Admiral Yamamoto after Japan attacked the American fleet at Pearl Harbour: “I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve.” The "garbage first half" brigade, of course, made sarcastic comments about Nuno's timid approach backfiring. The rest of us waited for Enola Gay to take off.   Elliot Anderson's pulling down of Morgan Rogers (THAT'S A PEN!) owed much to Morgan Rogers previously pulling Elliot Anderson to gain an advantage (GONE TO VAR!) and Rogers' tendency to drop like a rag doll when touched. (PENALTY NOT GIVEN FOR NONE OF THE ABOVE GOOD REASONS BUT FOR SOME DUBIOUS TOSH ABOUT A FLABBY GREETING).   Here is a picture of Woody, inspired by the cries of WOODYYY!!!! when Woody scored a Forest equaliser following a swift MGW Elanga move ... but wait ... the Video Ass. Referee is taking the piss a look. And it turns out that, from a thirty one degree angle across a line drawn by Microsoft Paint at a frame speed of far too few frames per second after three minutes of coin tossing and a hastily finished gin, Elanga was deemed to be offside. "Those are the rules," said an idiot, sounding like the sort of bloke who used to burn witches. And that is where this report really begins. Forget about everything we've put except the "terrible resolve" thing. You would think that having seen a certain goal saved, having conceded a goal against the run of play, having been denied an equaliser by VAR, most teams, including Forest in the past, would have mentally packed it in. When it's not your day, it's not your day. But Forest are not in the packing-in business. That terrible resolve we were talking about turned into something quite frightening. The crowd knew it. The players knew it. Villa could feel it in their tired souls. Forest smashed into the last ten minutes like a train. Malenkovic thumped a header which Martinez couldn't hold on to, because he isn't the best goalkeeper in the world, after all, whereas Malenkovic may turn out to be the best CB. And three minutes into injury time, Elliot Anderson muscled the ball off Cash, who sat down forlornly like a wronged teddy bear, and cut the ball across to where Elanga thundered in and swept the ball home through Martinez's legs. Eleven minutes into the seven minutes of extra time, the match ended. It was scary, what Forest had done. It was like watching your favourite team turn into a monster made of skill and power and spirit and unquenchable resolve. And you never tell a monster it doesn't belong, do you?   ManUre have beaten ManCity. We're still 4th.