WORLD CUP STUFF

Group D - Turkey 0 Paraquat 1 What on earth has happened to Turkey? Ever since they changed their name to Turkiye or whatever they've gone downhill. Paraquat, on the other hand, may be a toxic chemical that is commonly used as a herbicide, but at least they've resisted the urge to rebrand.

Group C - Brazil 3 Haiti 0 I get the impression that Brazilian football is just an excuse for noisy exhibitionism and manic flirting. Yes it is.

Group C - Scotland 0 Morocco 1 What can you say about Scotland? Their only consolation is that Morocco were faster, stronger, smarter and more skilful than them, and the referee was slightly blind or bent or whatever, but they came on strongly in the second half and they still have those three points they saved up from Haiti.

Group D - USA 2 Australia 0 An own goal, a VAR goal, a few flashy tricks and a fat Pochettino does not make USA kings of the world, especially as their Australian opponents have been described in professional circles as f***ing useless.

Group A - Mexico 1 South Korea 0 Fine margins, eh? The Mexican players were booed off at half time for being useless, then lauded as heroes for qualifying for the knockout stages with the narrowest of victories against Sum Yeung Men.

Group B - Canada 6 Qatar 0 This is what the World Cup is really about - six goals, two red cards, one broken leg, a crying manager, a crowd rented from Barbarians-R-Us, and Reform getting thumped in Makerfield.

Group B - Switzerland 0 Bosnia 0 This is what the World Cup is really about - Bosnia furring up the game's arteries, the Swiss relying on the feeble probing of Ndoye, a predictable 0-0 scoreline at half time, a couple of subs in the second half, Bosnia collapsing like a wet cardboard box, and a 4-1 thrashing at the end.

Group A - Czech Republic 1 South Africa 1 This is what the World Cup is really about - a goal near the beginning, an equaliser near the end, and a thousand wasted opportunities in between.