WORLD CUP STUFF

Group A - Mexico 1 South Korea 0 Fine margins, eh? The Mexican players were booed off at half time for being useless, then lauded as heroes for qualifying for the knockout stages with the narrowest of victories against Sum Yeung Men.

Group B - Canada 6 Qatar 0 This is what the World Cup is really about - six goals, two red cards, one broken leg, a crying manager, a crowd rented from Barbarians-R-Us, and Reform getting thumped in Makerfield.

Group B - Switzerland 0 Bosnia 0 This is what the World Cup is really about - Bosnia furring up the game's arteries, the Swiss relying on the feeble probing of Ndoye, a predictable 0-0 scoreline at half time, a couple of subs in the second half, Bosnia collapsing like a wet cardboard box, and a 4-1 thrashing at the end.

Group A - Czech Republic 1 South Africa 1 This is what the World Cup is really about - a goal near the beginning, an equaliser near the end, and a thousand wasted opportunities in between.

Group K - DR Congo 1 Portugal 1 The days when commentators used to scream "Ronaldo does it again!" are long gone, but his mesmeric hold on the Portuguese psyche was made clear by the decision to fine Neves for scoring from a cross intended for the great man. Congo were good. Better than that crappy film anyway.

Group L - England 4 Croatia 2 There were strange undercurrents to this sparkling display by England. The truth is that England did not play with coherence or control, but relied on a deal of aggressive chaos and four pieces of individual skill to finish Croatia off. In fact, those were Thomas the Tookle's very words at half time. ""This half," he said, "I want you to rely on a deal of aggressive chaos and two more pieces of individual skill to finish Croatia off." And that's exactly what they did. Missis Wife thought Thomas the Tookle needed feeding up so he could become as fat as me.

Group L - Ghana 1 Panama 0 In a game of more missed chances than you could count on the fingers of a pair of Leicester supporters, Ghana scabbed a wholly undeserved winner in the 5th minute of added time. Pfft.

Group K - Uzbekistan 1 Colombia 3 Uzbekistan is east of the Caspian Sea, surrounded by Kazakhstan, Turkmenistan, Kyrgystan and Tajikistan. It manufactures one quarter of the world's supply of dyslexia, and its national sport is Playing Okay But Losing Three One To Colombia.