WORLD CUP STUFF

Group E - Equator 0 Curacao 0 The only reason Curaçao will be remembered as a football team rather than a blue liqueur is their magnificent goalkeeper Eloy Room, who made 15 saves to secure his country's first ever World Cup point. Mr and Mrs Room must be proud of their son, who they named after the beautiful people in H. G. Wells' "The Time Machine". Apparently.

Group F - Tunisia 0 Japan 4 This is what happens when you sack ex-Forest boss Sabri Lamouchi and replace him with somebody we've never heard of - you still lose by four goals. Tunisia have always looked as if they wished they were somewhere else, and soon their wishes will come true.

Group E - Ivory Coast 1 Germany 2 Bit of a sickener, this, but credit to German substitute Undav who took his chances well to win the game. Apparently, German manager Nagelsmann doesn't get on with Undav, probably because he (Nagelsmann], judging by his touchline behaviour, is a posturing dickhead. Toenail-man.

Group F - Netherland 5 Sweden 1 Sweden are proving to be another nail in the spectacular coffin of Graham Potter's managerial career. That Elanga bloke looks a decent footballer. Or "baller", as the prats say these days.

Group D - Turkey 0 Paraquat 1 What on earth has happened to Turkey? Ever since they changed their name to Turkiye or whatever they've gone downhill. Paraquat, on the other hand, may be a toxic chemical that is commonly used as a herbicide, but at least they've resisted the urge to rebrand.

Group C - Brazil 3 Haiti 0 I get the impression that Brazilian football is just an excuse for noisy exhibitionism and manic flirting. Yes it is.

Group C - Scotland 0 Morocco 1 What can you say about Scotland? Their only consolation is that Morocco were faster, stronger, smarter and more skilful than them, and the referee was slightly blind or bent or whatever, but they came on strongly in the second half and they still have those three points they saved up from Haiti.

Group D - USA 2 Australia 0 An own goal, a VAR goal, a few flashy tricks and a fat Pochettino does not make USA kings of the world, especially as their Australian opponents have been described in professional circles as f***ing useless.

Group A - Mexico 1 South Korea 0 Fine margins, eh? The Mexican players were booed off at half time for being useless, then lauded as heroes for qualifying for the knockout stages with the narrowest of victories against Sum Yeung Men.

Group B - Canada 6 Qatar 0 This is what the World Cup is really about - six goals, two red cards, one broken leg, a crying manager, a crowd rented from Barbarians-R-Us, and Reform getting thumped in Makerfield.