WORLD CUP STUFF

Group F - Ivory Coast 1 Equator 0 I have vague memories of a nightmare match in which people endlessly hit the goal frame until a goal in the 90th minute sealed a grisly victory for Ivory Coast. I did not enjoy it.I fell asleep before half time. Did Sangare get on? I'll just check. Yes, AI politely informs me that Sangare came on in the 77th minute and took control of the game in the manner of a huge grinning demi-god. Huzzah!

Group F - Netherlands 2 Japan 2 I said to the wife, "Wife," I said, "the Netherlanders may look cool, but they are too tall to be gainly and are riddled with self-doubt, whereas the Japaneses are a clean, neat people with a manager who looks like Jet Li. The Netherlanders won't stand a chance." The wife said I talk bollocks, which may or may not be true.

Group E - Germany 7 Curacao 1 FIFA are being asked serious questions about how a bottle of blue liqueur could manage to qualify for the World Cup finals in the first place.

Group D - Australia 2 Turkeyiye 0 Nestory Irankunda ran to the corner flag like Tim Cahill, punching and ducking and weaving, after sending the Socceroos on their way to a ­stunning 2-0 upset victory over Turkey in west Canada. The one act pulled past and future together on a night when Australia’s next generation delivered one of their best World Cup victories, to start their 2026 campaign in style. Blah blah blah. Didn't see it. Was doing other things. Mind your own business.

Group C - Haiti 0 Scotland 1 Much was made of the fact that this was Scotland's first World Cup win in 38 years. Little was made of the fact that, on the evidence of this performance, there won't be another one any time soon.

Group C - Brazil 1 Morocco 1 Come on, everybody knows that without Vinny Vicious Brazil would struggle against Derby. Their samba-soaked tomfoolery seems quite divorced from the realities of modern football.

Group B - Qatar 1 Switzerland 1 There are reports that the Cisco Resources Auto-Predictive Offside technology (CRAPO) has been withdrawn from service after it failed to spot Freuler being offside before the penalty foul. Head of Cisco Systems Albie Futcher said, "CRAPO was calibrated to deal in fractions of an inch. Unfortunately it could not cope with anything over a foot."

Group D - USA 4 Paraquat 1 Thank God I didn't stay up to watch USA win the World Cup. It is being reported that they only won because Trump ordered Paraquat to lose heavily or he would bomb the shit out of their canal, which was in Panama.

Group B - Canada 1 Bosnia Hurtsagovernor 1 Jesse Marsch's Leeds team, which was high on energy but appallingly low on quality and composure, has become Canada. Bosnia looked a bit old and creaky, but survived. The BBC commentator didn't know the difference between Ryan Reynolds and Mike Myers.

Group A - South Korea 2 Czech Republic 1 The stadium was only two thirds full because the game was played at 2 am when decent folk were doing other stuff in bed. The Sum Yeung Men of South Korea won because Czech captain Krejci plays for Wolves and Soucek plays for Wet Hams. Nuff said.

Group A - Mexico 2 South Africa 0 "Long" is the most common description of the opening ceremony. It applies also to the tedious ramblings of shouty Pougatch and his ITV panel, and to the game itself which kept being interrupted by drinks breaks and a spinning FIFA logo, and was accompanied by the kind of mental crowd noise you might get in a horror film called "Abattoir 2". Mexico won because the South African team consisted almost entirely of a goalkeeper, somebody in a 20 shirt, and two blokes who got sent off.