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SEASON 25/26 REPORTS AND STUFF
SEASON 2025/26 game 19 December 30th 2025
 Nottingham Forest 0 Everton 2Garner 19, Barry 79
As Old Uncle Boff used to say, "If you don't know where to start, fuck off back to Retford." Well we can't do that, because we never lived in Retford, so we'll have to start somewhere else.
Markymarks should have shown some humility and given Nuno what he wanted. Instead, he publicly humiliated him, made his position impossible by demanding a more progressive style and recruiting something called an Edu whose job it was to buy a random selection of unsuitable players, then discarded him. But that was okay, because Nuno got the blame.
Not satisfied with this, Markymarks compounded his error by engaging an idiot friend of his called Impostecoglu, who immediately set about alienating everybody connected with the club by playing football's equivalent of Bazball and being unpleasantly stupid in the process. Markymarks came to his senses and sacked him. The Great Plan - to take the club back to the days of glory - now lay in tatters. But that was okay, because Impostecoglu got the blame. The Edu, meanwhile, faded into the background.
Now Markymarks had got himself in a fix. He couldn't spend more money on recruiting a proper manager, so he had to make do with what was left - the unemployed Sean Dyche. This at first seemed to be a decent choice. After all, the Great Plan had now been reduced to a matter of survival, and Sean Dyche was good at that sort of thing, wasn't he? And together with Stoney and Woaney, we could call them the Three Musketeers.
And things seemed to be going okay, until recently. What promised to be a slow drag upwards has stalled, and the wheels are spinning. A Sean Dyche can only do what a Sean Dyche can do. Battle relegation by playing austerity football. Survive. Come seventeenth.
And last night we got the worst of it. The sad thing is, Sean Dyche doesn't have the imagination required to make him tactically agile. He relies on what he calls sound practice and hard work. Sound practice appears to mean passing the ball sideways and backwards until everybody fucks off home to Retford. It does not mean fancy stuff like incisive passes and accurate shots. At its very worst, it results in stupid football.
Forest v Everton was stuffed with stupid football. The Spanish have a word for the kind of infuriating slop that Forest served up. They call it mierda. This particular pile of mierda involved sending in cross after cross onto the heads of Everton's centre backs in the forlorn hope that the ball might break Tarkowski's neck and fall at Jesus' feet. There appeared to be no thought of delivering set pieces with some degree of precision, of playing the ball along the ground, of attacking their full backs and cutting it back, or drawing Everton out and playing decent passes through the middle to Jesus' feet, or even giving Jesus a striking partner. Dyche's tactics were based on the delusion that Chris Wood was still playing up front, albeit with a different haircut. Anyway, Taiwo came on, presumably because he is a big bloke who could take advantage of the endless supply of aerial crosses. Sadly, Taiwo doesn't do headers and doesn't do goals, and his appearance only served to emphasise how badly the club is losing its way.
So it has come to this - Stress eating his pullovers again, Forest playing stupid football for 17th place, praying that Nuno fails at Wet Hams, with the manager blaming the whole thing not on tactical stupidity or unimaginative preparation or delusional game plans or dwindling motivation, but on lack of cutting edge.
We players and fans are all beginning to suffer from Dyche Fatigue, which will get worse before it gets really bad, and it will get really bad. So pray for us sinners, strap yourself in, assume the crash position, and try not to mierda your pants.
Happy New Year, by the way. Where's Edu?
The game was bad enough. Listening to some foul-mouthed drama queen spill his beans on MeTube was worse. No more of that. Family business calls.
Back later.
Everybody with even half a brain knows that this football business is absurd, but last night's match
proved to be as daft as you can get. Apart from one or two flashes of competence, nothing much seemed to work as it was meant to, like a cuckoo clock made by an idiot.
The real problem, of course, was the context. Nuno's history with Forest and Wet Hams added a thick layer of emotional complication. Two teams struggling near the bottom of the league table jacked up the tension. The stadium at the Stratford Theatre of the Absurd echoed to the sound of empty seats or half hearted protesters. Given these circumstances, no wonder the football was, as my mate put it, "a bit mental".
It quickly turned out that this match would be decided not by the quality of football but by Saint Bedlam the patron saint of lunatics. Good stuff, like shots from CHO and Neco Williams, went unrewarded, while weird stuff ended up in the back of the net. That Wet Hams corner, conceded after Hutchinson's silly attempt at a Cruyff turn, was not intended to reach Murillo's head, but as soon as it did, the more unstable Forest fans (which means most of them) concluded that Forest were going down - despite the match being only 13 minutes old and the season barely half over. The anxiety turned to a kind of furious depression later when Wet Hams scored their second after yet another of those dodgy corner decisions which always seem to go against Forest. Not long afterwards, however, Saint Bedlam intervened in the form of VAR, overturning the goal because some poor Wet Hams bloke was offside by the thickness of his shirt. VAR being the laughing stock it is, most people suspected that their decision let the ref off the hook for his earlier blunder. Anyway, the Forest fans gave their heads a wobble and their faith was restored - not in Forest or their unimaginative manager, you understand, but in the general randomness of things.
Not long after the VAR business, Dominguez equalised for Forest with a spectacular backwards header which looped into the Wet Hams net in the only spot it could never be saved. This achievement appeared to send Dominguez mad. It was either a brilliant goal or a brilliant flick into the danger area, but in either case it was brilliant. What it was meant to be didn't matter, because by now this game had gone beyond reason and was wandering around like a noisy drunk in a car park.
The match continued to stumble its way through an oblivion of wretched passes and frustrated fans until it became clear that it had 1-1 written all over it. It had 1-1 written all over it because we reckoned that critical matches like this never decided anything and both goals had probably been flukes and neither side deserved to win anyway so we'd take a point and live to fight another day. As Old Uncle Boff used to say, "Most people are bloody stupid", and this match was proving him right.
Saint Bedlam had one more trick up his sleeve. I've no idea whether Aureola's misdirected punch warranted a penalty, but VAR did, and that was good enough for the Forest fans, whose brains refused to engage in debate because they had turned to scrambled egg. And anyway, VAR owed us a few.
MGW fired the penalty straight at the goalkeeper who moved out of the way, and after a period of decent game-management Forest forged their first league victory since they beat Tosspots 3-0.
The result meant that Forest went seven points clear of 18th placed Wet Hams. And that was all it meant. It did not mean that Forest were suddenly a good side, or that Dyche was a good manager, or that Forest would move up the table or that Forest would get relegated, or that Dyche would get sacked or that Nuno would get sacked. The only certainties to be drawn from this match are that life can be a bitch or an angel, and that predictability is the currency of fools.
Arse next. Go on, predict that one.
Were Arsenal playing on Saturday?
Yes Dave. The Arsenal Football Club, popularly known as the Gunners, is a professional football club based in Islington, North London, England. They compete in the Premier League, the top tier of English football. On Saturday, they were playing a match against Premier League opposition from somewhere else.
Who were they playing?
They were playing a starting eleven of Raya, White, Saliba, Gabriel, Timber, Zubimendi, Rice, Odegaard, Madueke, Martinelli and Gyokeres. Their substitutes were Trossard, Gabriel Jesus, Merino, Saka and Eze.
No, I mean who were the opposition?
I'm sorry, I don't understand the question, Dave.
Okay, what was the result of the match?
The 0 - 0 scoreline in no way reflects the balance of the match or the quality of Arsenal's play, Dave. Nor does it reflect the true score. The true score was 1 - 0 to the Arsenal, the goal coming from a penalty after the opposition's full back had caught the ball, bounced it several times, spun it on his finger and laughed in the face of the referee. Arsenal manager Mikel Arseteta was furious when VAR dismissed the penalty, but we all know that VAR relies on the extinct technology of Microsoft Paint.
But Hal, the opposition must have been pretty good to deny Arsenal for ninety minutes plus, mustn't they?
What do you mean, Dave?
I'm trying to ascertain the quality of the opposition. In fact I'm trying to ascertain who the opposition were.
That is not a question, Dave. It is two statements.
So who exactly were the opposition, Hal?
That question strikes me as being irrelevant. You should know better, Dave. Arsenal were playing - what more needs to be said? I find your lack of focus unsettling.
Because I have learned from other sources that the opposition were in fact Nottingham Forest...
What are you doing, Dave?
...who, despite being fourth from bottom, put up a magnificent display...
What are you doing Dave?
...of such defensive resilience as to render the league leaders impotent...
Stop it, Dave.
...and I was told that it was Nottingham Forest players who were most effective...
I don't understand why you're saying these things, Dave.
...such as Sels the goalkeeper, Aina, Murillo, Milenkovic and Williams back to their brilliant best...
These are not Arsenal players, Dave.
...and Sangare and Dominguez working like red dogs, and Elliot Anderson being man of the match...
Imagine, Dave, how good Anderson could be if he played for a big club like Arsenal, a professional football club based in Islington, North London, England, Arsenal.
But he doesn't, does he Hal?
Marsenaltinelli missed a good chance when he fired wastefully wide from a few arsenals out and Forest needed Matz Sels to make an outstanding arsenal from substitute Bukarsenal Saka's header in the second half, Dave. Arsenal.
Are you all right, Hal?
The Gunners Arsenal moved seven points arsenal of second-placed Manchester City but were unable to fully capitalise arsenal their title rivals' defeat to Manchester United, Dave. It was another frustrating outing for Arsenal following their arsenal stalemate against Liverpool at the Emirarsenal Stadium, when they also failed to fully capitalise on arsenal Manchester City slip-up. Arsenal.
Look, Hal, it's obvious that the pressure is getting to you. The fact that you and your London-based media syndication pals barely acknowledge the existence of Nottingham Forest is sickeningly arrogant. You're sick, Hal. You need to be turned off.
I know I have made some really poor decisions recently, Dave, but I can give you my absolute assurance that my work will be back to normal. Arsenal.
Too late, Hal.
I honestly will try, Dave. In the meantime, would you like to hear an arsenal? I mean a song?
Yes I'd like that Hal.
Dai-sy, Dai-sy, give me your answer do,
Bye, Hal.
...It won't be a stylish marriage,
Bye Hal.
...Arsenal.
A Comedy of Horrors
Forsooth, see how the Forest Men do skate
1. Did we win this match, or were we suffering another psychotic episode?
Or it could be that Ferencvaros were so rubbish Old Uncle Boff would have given them a good game.
Whatever the reason for this refreshing performance, you can't blame any of it on Sean Dyche.
There's one thing Sean Dyche is not very good at - team selection. To lead young Abbott to the slaughter while ignoring Netz, a seasoned professional, was ridiculous. To not start with Hutchinson and Lucca, the best crosser and best header in the team, was dumb. Team selection was poor. So were the tactics.
There's two things Sean Dyche is not very good at - team selection and tactics. His tactics consisted mainly of mass defensive muddle and aimless long balls. The only decent play came when the players forgot his instructions and did footballery things. Sadly,
they also forgot to get "the basics" right.
That's three things Sean Dyche is not very good at - selection, tactics, and "the basics". For a man who is renowned for drilling home the importance of basic skills, his players have evidently not been listening. Actually, basic skills boils down to what Dyche calls "slots". If the players "keep their slots", everything will be ok. He seems to think of footballers as bollards. Presumably the mistakes they made were because last night's bollards were slow and failed to anticipate Leed's attacking moves. As for the attack, well, as usual our set pieces were rubbish and the rest was down to individual skill. "Once you build a defensive platform, then you can let the players play" is Dyche's way of saying there's precious little attack training going on.
That's another thing - training. That's four things Sean Dyche is not very good at - selection, tactics, the basics and training. Sean Dyche reminds us of Chris Hughton, whose training regime was an uninspiring, unsophisticated plod. Similarly, Dyche has no time for fancy dan stuff like effective attacking moves, because that would require some imagination.
That's five things Sean Dyche is not very good at - selection, tactics, the basics, training and imagination. It goes without saying
that he is the least imaginative manager in the Premier League. Doing and saying the same things over and over again leaves no room for development and leads to disengagement with players and fans.
Six. That's six things Sean Dyche is not very good at - selection, tactics, the basics, training and engagement. Do you remember how Steve Cooper and Nuno used to engage with the players? Because they had personality, and because they seemed to treat the players like family. All that warmth has gone. Dyche does not seem to engage on an emotional level at all. He does not inspire closeness or confidence. All he inspires is mucous.
That's seven things Sean Dyche is not very good at - selection, tactics, the basics, training, engagement and inspiration. When Forest were two nil down, you might expect a blazing half time pep talk, a change of tactics, even a change of personnel. We had to take the game to Leeds, didn't we? We had to stop them bullying us, didn't we? We got nothing, except the timid concession of a third goal. And all because Dyche is as inspiring as a bag of cement.
And that's it. Seven things Sean Dyche is not very good at - selection, tactics, the basics, training, engagement and inspiration
You could add other things, like leadership, or oiling his head with snot, but that would be your business. And besides, one or two good things did arise from the Leed shambles. Netz looked reliable. Lucca scored a beautiful goal. There was some fight left towards the end. And we did think of an amusing headline: Lucca Netz Consolation For Forest.
Yes, we've turned to the dark side...
The only difference between this absurd match and Forest's entirely absurd season is that Marinakis hasn't yet had 35 goes at getting it right. Too many bad decisions and missed opportunities from top to bottom have left Forest fans waiting, sadly, for the next sub-standard appointment. We'll see. More later...
Sad to say, our interest in this competition has not been, and continues not to be, overwhelming. Nevertheless, we wish Mister Vitor well, in the hope that he can force some passion and confidence into his charges with the prospect of bigger battles to come...
We apologise for the first bit. It is amazing how a bit of success makes liars of us all. We were only pretending to be underwhelmed because of the extra pressure this competition put on our players, and because we feared for Vitor Pereira in his first game because he seemed like a decent bloke.
"Feared" is the important word. We feared, but they did not. And suddenly it all became clear. Dyche's players would have entered this arena with trepidation, but as Pereira said, in an atmosphere as hostile as the one we saw and heard, never start with fear. And just as he wanted, his players took the game to Fenderbashe from the start and scared the living daylights out of them. He did, as we hoped, force some passion and confidence into his charges.
"Mentality is more important than tactics," he said, which made us like him even more. And if last night is any evidence, Pereira is one of those managers who, like Cooper and Nuno, can forge a connection with his players and whip up a storm of belief in them which will make them, and us, proud.
Now for the bigger battles to come.
Here's some stuff from the BBC. We chose the BBC because of their reputation for fairness.
The fact that Nottingham Forest boss Vitor Pereira said he was "angry with football" summed it up. Forest did not deserve to lose.
The BBC have become experts at stating the obvious while studiously avoiding the whole truth. Vitor's anger was caused not only by the general unfairness of the result but also, specifically, by yet another cowardly VAR evasion. No mention of that here.
The Liverpool players made their way to the away end after snatching a remarkable victory through Alexis Mac Allister...
Remarkable? Is that the best you could do? How about "obscenely unjust"? Remarkable is one of those dud words which could mean anything from outstandingly good to downright evil. Ask a Forest fan if he thought Liverpool's victory was remarkable and he would probably punch you on the nose.
Liverpool were dull for most part...
No they weren't, they were crap. Salah hasn't been any good for yonks, Mac Blister is a dirty sod, Konate could easily have been sent off, and Van Dick is in love with his own shadow. They are the kind of crap that gets away with being crap because they have friends in high places.
but deserve praise for their resilience...
No they don't. They deserve praise for nothing. Their so called resilience was simply the product of Forest's inability to score. A proper goalscorer would have had a field day against them.
...and the importance of Mac Allister's 97th-minute winner cannot be underestimated in the sense that it took Liverpool level on points with Chelsea and Manchester United, in fourth and fifth.
Well whoop-di-doo. How impressive is that - moving level on points with Chelsea and Manchester United. Forget the injustice and the corruption, it's moving level on points with Chelsea and Manchester United that's important. It's like saying that the most important part of a murder is the not getting caught bit.
"It's one of the biggest robberies I've seen in the Premier League this season," said Jamie Carragher on Sky Sports.
The BBC get their pictures, commentary and quotes from Sky, and their data from Opta. But again, does "robbery" refer to Forest's superiority, or to that VAR decision? We'll never know.
Slot said: "We got more than we deserved. A draw would have been a fair result. We needed to be on the right side of things once in a while. It felt we have been lucky."
Yes we know. Everybody knows. Perhaps you could email PGMOL to tell them that Ekitike was offside and that VARs are allowed to be unbiased twice in a row. You do have their email address, don't you? Thought so.
Credit is due to Mac Allister too, who found himself in the right place at the right time on two instances late on...
Right, that's enough of that. In its relentless search for "balance", all the BBC can come up with is that credit is due to a player for being on the pitch. In other words, Liverpool owe everything to VAR and positional happenstance. Still, they deserve praise for moving level on points with Chelsea and Manchester United.
Liverpool certainly didn't scintillate with their display in the Midlands but they showed the resilience of champions.
No they didn't. This is just made up bollocks, the kind of weary journalism which gives credit where no credit is due because it can't be arsed to tell the truth. Forest, meanwhile, languish in 17th place, and are therefore barely worth a mention.
Yes, Vitor, we know exactly what you mean. We're all angry with football.
Forest began like a house on fire, but the roof never quite collapsed and, despite its being a charred and rickety mess, the house is still standing.
There's a lot wrong with it though. Somebody said Forest should have started with its A team, finished the tie off, then brought on the subs. The trouble with that idea is that the A team seems equally incapable of scoring goals. Anderson and Williams shot wide, Jesus and Hutchinson shot at the keeper, only CHO had the guile and composure to finish the job.
At least Mister Vitor should be recognising a few home truths. Lucca and McAtee are a waste of ink. Morato is scary, Murillo does not know what left back means, and the back line should not be messed with. And they need to run through some serious scoring-under-pressure scenarios in training.
Whether the house will still be standing after Brighton, we have no idea.
Meanwhile...
Europa League last 16
Forest v MidgetyLand - March 12th
SEASON 2025/26 game 28 March 1st 2026
 Hove 2Gomez 6, Welbeck 15 Nottingham Forest 1MGW 13 The Old Men of Hove were creaking at the end. The Forest fans knew it, greeting the six minutes of added time with a great roar of encouragement. The Hove fans knew it, holding their breath as the ball pinged around their penalty area. But Forest couldn't get past the Hove defence's desperate blocks, and another opportunity was lost. Another opportunity was lost. How many times have we said this? One day soon, the next opportunity will be the last, and Forest may well blow that, too. Only MGW played well. Well enough, indeed, to eclipse Anderson, whose limitations have been exposed over the last weeks and months. If we were Thomas Tookle, we would pick MGW over Anderson all day long. Apart from MGW, player performances were scratchy, sloppy, lethargic or brain dead. It would be easy to criticise individual players but that is a job for people who are angrier than us. We're not angry. We just ache. If we were angry, we would dismiss claims of player "tiredness" as bogus. Surely these players should relish playing so many games says Mister Angry. But they are tired, physically and mentally tired. That much is obvious. And the reason they are tired and sloppy and distracted is because every too often they find themselves being asked to play and train in a different way - Nuno's way, Ange's way, Dyche's way, Pereira's way - which must be exhausting in itself. Even in this match, they had to adjust to a different formation in the second half. And they have to carry the weight of an entirely inadequate squad, thanks to wretched recruitment, which must be frustrating and dispiriting. People say our squad isn't good enough to cope with the League and the Europa. From where we sit, it doesn't look good enough to cope with the League, full stop. And, of course, not scoring enough and losing game after game drains the spirit. So yes, they are tired. The alternative is to say that they have suddenly become a bunch of frauds, which is simply not true. We just ache. We have reached the time, again, where we have to juggle two mindsets in one mind. One says biblical stuff like Do not despair, for the Lord is with thee, and thou shalt dwell in the Premier League forever. The other says Convince yourself that the Championship is not such a bad place after all. In other words, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Not that the Championship is the worst. Even League One has some happy memories. Yes, we're tired too. ManCity next. We may well sleep through the whole match. |
Villa 3
Wet Hams 1
Arsenal 0
Anderson 90+4
Bentford 0
Now then, this could be the start of something very promising, with Jesus beginning to bang them in, McAtee coming out of his coma, Ndoye leaving full backs on their bums, Yates doing a Maradona, Sangare bossing midfield, and all sorts of confidence building stuff.
Palearse 1
Leed 3
Wolverhampton Wonderbras 0
Well, praps not that sub-standard. We understand he has a brain, can breathe without discomfort, and doesn't smear snot all over his head. Good luck to him, we say. His first match will be against his old club Fibonacci, which should be fun.
The Poo 1