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SEASON 25/26 REPORTS AND STUFF
SEASON 2025/26 game 19 December 30th 2025
 Nottingham Forest 0 Everton 2Garner 19, Barry 79
As Old Uncle Boff used to say, "If you don't know where to start, fuck off back to Retford." Well we can't do that, because we never lived in Retford, so we'll have to start somewhere else.
Markymarks should have shown some humility and given Nuno what he wanted. Instead, he publicly humiliated him, made his position impossible by demanding a more progressive style and recruiting something called an Edu whose job it was to buy a random selection of unsuitable players, then discarded him. But that was okay, because Nuno got the blame.
Not satisfied with this, Markymarks compounded his error by engaging an idiot friend of his called Impostecoglu, who immediately set about alienating everybody connected with the club by playing football's equivalent of Bazball and being unpleasantly stupid in the process. Markymarks came to his senses and sacked him. The Great Plan - to take the club back to the days of glory - now lay in tatters. But that was okay, because Impostecoglu got the blame. The Edu, meanwhile, faded into the background.
Now Markymarks had got himself in a fix. He couldn't spend more money on recruiting a proper manager, so he had to make do with what was left - the unemployed Sean Dyche. This at first seemed to be a decent choice. After all, the Great Plan had now been reduced to a matter of survival, and Sean Dyche was good at that sort of thing, wasn't he? And together with Stoney and Woaney, we could call them the Three Musketeers.
And things seemed to be going okay, until recently. What promised to be a slow drag upwards has stalled, and the wheels are spinning. A Sean Dyche can only do what a Sean Dyche can do. Battle relegation by playing austerity football. Survive. Come seventeenth.
And last night we got the worst of it. The sad thing is, Sean Dyche doesn't have the imagination required to make him tactically agile. He relies on what he calls sound practice and hard work. Sound practice appears to mean passing the ball sideways and backwards until everybody fucks off home to Retford. It does not mean fancy stuff like incisive passes and accurate shots. At its very worst, it results in stupid football.
Forest v Everton was stuffed with stupid football. The Spanish have a word for the kind of infuriating slop that Forest served up. They call it mierda. This particular pile of mierda involved sending in cross after cross onto the heads of Everton's centre backs in the forlorn hope that the ball might break Tarkowski's neck and fall at Jesus' feet. There appeared to be no thought of delivering set pieces with some degree of precision, of playing the ball along the ground, of attacking their full backs and cutting it back, or drawing Everton out and playing decent passes through the middle to Jesus' feet, or even giving Jesus a striking partner. Dyche's tactics were based on the delusion that Chris Wood was still playing up front, albeit with a different haircut. Anyway, Taiwo came on, presumably because he is a big bloke who could take advantage of the endless supply of aerial crosses. Sadly, Taiwo doesn't do headers and doesn't do goals, and his appearance only served to emphasise how badly the club is losing its way.
So it has come to this - Stress eating his pullovers again, Forest playing stupid football for 17th place, praying that Nuno fails at Wet Hams, with the manager blaming the whole thing not on tactical stupidity or unimaginative preparation or delusional game plans or dwindling motivation, but on lack of cutting edge.
We players and fans are all beginning to suffer from Dyche Fatigue, which will get worse before it gets really bad, and it will get really bad. So pray for us sinners, strap yourself in, assume the crash position, and try not to mierda your pants.
Happy New Year, by the way. Where's Edu?
The game was bad enough. Listening to some foul-mouthed drama queen spill his beans on MeTube was worse. No more of that. Family business calls.
Back later.
Everybody with even half a brain knows that this football business is absurd, but last night's match
proved to be as daft as you can get. Apart from one or two flashes of competence, nothing much seemed to work as it was meant to, like a cuckoo clock made by an idiot.
The real problem, of course, was the context. Nuno's history with Forest and Wet Hams added a thick layer of emotional complication. Two teams struggling near the bottom of the league table jacked up the tension. The stadium at the Stratford Theatre of the Absurd echoed to the sound of empty seats or half hearted protesters. Given these circumstances, no wonder the football was, as my mate put it, "a bit mental".
It quickly turned out that this match would be decided not by the quality of football but by Saint Bedlam the patron saint of lunatics. Good stuff, like shots from CHO and Neco Williams, went unrewarded, while weird stuff ended up in the back of the net. That Wet Hams corner, conceded after Hutchinson's silly attempt at a Cruyff turn, was not intended to reach Murillo's head, but as soon as it did, the more unstable Forest fans (which means most of them) concluded that Forest were going down - despite the match being only 13 minutes old and the season barely half over. The anxiety turned to a kind of furious depression later when Wet Hams scored their second after yet another of those dodgy corner decisions which always seem to go against Forest. Not long afterwards, however, Saint Bedlam intervened in the form of VAR, overturning the goal because some poor Wet Hams bloke was offside by the thickness of his shirt. VAR being the laughing stock it is, most people suspected that their decision let the ref off the hook for his earlier blunder. Anyway, the Forest fans gave their heads a wobble and their faith was restored - not in Forest or their unimaginative manager, you understand, but in the general randomness of things.
Not long after the VAR business, Dominguez equalised for Forest with a spectacular backwards header which looped into the Wet Hams net in the only spot it could never be saved. This achievement appeared to send Dominguez mad. It was either a brilliant goal or a brilliant flick into the danger area, but in either case it was brilliant. What it was meant to be didn't matter, because by now this game had gone beyond reason and was wandering around like a noisy drunk in a car park.
The match continued to stumble its way through an oblivion of wretched passes and frustrated fans until it became clear that it had 1-1 written all over it. It had 1-1 written all over it because we reckoned that critical matches like this never decided anything and both goals had probably been flukes and neither side deserved to win anyway so we'd take a point and live to fight another day. As Old Uncle Boff used to say, "Most people are bloody stupid", and this match was proving him right.
Saint Bedlam had one more trick up his sleeve. I've no idea whether Aureola's misdirected punch warranted a penalty, but VAR did, and that was good enough for the Forest fans, whose brains refused to engage in debate because they had turned to scrambled egg. And anyway, VAR owed us a few.
MGW fired the penalty straight at the goalkeeper who moved out of the way, and after a period of decent game-management Forest forged their first league victory since they beat Tosspots 3-0.
The result meant that Forest went seven points clear of 18th placed Wet Hams. And that was all it meant. It did not mean that Forest were suddenly a good side, or that Dyche was a good manager, or that Forest would move up the table or that Forest would get relegated, or that Dyche would get sacked or that Nuno would get sacked. The only certainties to be drawn from this match are that life can be a bitch or an angel, and that predictability is the currency of fools.
Arse next. Go on, predict that one.
Were Arsenal playing on Saturday?
Yes Dave. The Arsenal Football Club, popularly known as the Gunners, is a professional football club based in Islington, North London, England. They compete in the Premier League, the top tier of English football. On Saturday, they were playing a match against Premier League opposition from somewhere else.
Who were they playing?
They were playing a starting eleven of Raya, White, Saliba, Gabriel, Timber, Zubimendi, Rice, Odegaard, Madueke, Martinelli and Gyokeres. Their substitutes were Trossard, Gabriel Jesus, Merino, Saka and Eze.
No, I mean who were the opposition?
I'm sorry, I don't understand the question, Dave.
Okay, what was the result of the match?
The 0 - 0 scoreline in no way reflects the balance of the match or the quality of Arsenal's play, Dave. Nor does it reflect the true score. The true score was 1 - 0 to the Arsenal, the goal coming from a penalty after the opposition's full back had caught the ball, bounced it several times, spun it on his finger and laughed in the face of the referee. Arsenal manager Mikel Arseteta was furious when VAR dismissed the penalty, but we all know that VAR relies on the extinct technology of Microsoft Paint.
But Hal, the opposition must have been pretty good to deny Arsenal for ninety minutes plus, mustn't they?
What do you mean, Dave?
I'm trying to ascertain the quality of the opposition. In fact I'm trying to ascertain who the opposition were.
That is not a question, Dave. It is two statements.
So who exactly were the opposition, Hal?
That question strikes me as being irrelevant. You should know better, Dave. Arsenal were playing - what more needs to be said? I find your lack of focus unsettling.
Because I have learned from other sources that the opposition were in fact Nottingham Forest...
What are you doing, Dave?
...who, despite being fourth from bottom, put up a magnificent display...
What are you doing Dave?
...of such defensive resilience as to render the league leaders impotent...
Stop it, Dave.
...and I was told that it was Nottingham Forest players who were most effective...
I don't understand why you're saying these things, Dave.
...such as Sels the goalkeeper, Aina, Murillo, Milenkovic and Williams back to their brilliant best...
These are not Arsenal players, Dave.
...and Sangare and Dominguez working like red dogs, and Elliot Anderson being man of the match...
Imagine, Dave, how good Anderson could be if he played for a big club like Arsenal, a professional football club based in Islington, North London, England, Arsenal.
But he doesn't, does he Hal?
Marsenaltinelli missed a good chance when he fired wastefully wide from a few arsenals out and Forest needed Matz Sels to make an outstanding arsenal from substitute Bukarsenal Saka's header in the second half, Dave. Arsenal.
Are you all right, Hal?
The Gunners Arsenal moved seven points arsenal of second-placed Manchester City but were unable to fully capitalise arsenal their title rivals' defeat to Manchester United, Dave. It was another frustrating outing for Arsenal following their arsenal stalemate against Liverpool at the Emirarsenal Stadium, when they also failed to fully capitalise on arsenal Manchester City slip-up. Arsenal.
Look, Hal, it's obvious that the pressure is getting to you. The fact that you and your London-based media syndication pals barely acknowledge the existence of Nottingham Forest is sickeningly arrogant. You're sick, Hal. You need to be turned off.
I know I have made some really poor decisions recently, Dave, but I can give you my absolute assurance that my work will be back to normal. Arsenal.
Too late, Hal.
I honestly will try, Dave. In the meantime, would you like to hear an arsenal? I mean a song?
Yes I'd like that Hal.
Dai-sy, Dai-sy, give me your answer do,
Bye, Hal.
...It won't be a stylish marriage,
Bye Hal.
...Arsenal.
Forsooth, see how the Forest Men do skate
1. Did we win this match, or were we suffering another psychotic episode?
Or it could be that Ferencvaros were so rubbish Old Uncle Boff would have given them a good game.
Whatever the reason for this refreshing performance, you can't blame any of it on Sean Dyche.
There's one thing Sean Dyche is not very good at - team selection. To lead young Abbott to the slaughter while ignoring Netz, a seasoned professional, was ridiculous. To not start with Hutchinson and Lucca, the best crosser and best header in the team, was dumb. Team selection was poor. So were the tactics.
There's two things Sean Dyche is not very good at - team selection and tactics. His tactics consisted mainly of mass defensive muddle and aimless long balls. The only decent play came when the players forgot his instructions and did footballery things. Sadly,
they also forgot to get "the basics" right.
That's three things Sean Dyche is not very good at - selection, tactics, and "the basics". For a man who is renowned for drilling home the importance of basic skills, his players have evidently not been listening. Actually, basic skills boils down to what Dyche calls "slots". If the players "keep their slots", everything will be ok. He seems to think of footballers as bollards. Presumably the mistakes they made were because last night's bollards were slow and failed to anticipate Leed's attacking moves. As for the attack, well, as usual our set pieces were rubbish and the rest was down to individual skill. "Once you build a defensive platform, then you can let the players play" is Dyche's way of saying there's precious little attack training going on.
That's another thing - training. That's four things Sean Dyche is not very good at - selection, tactics, the basics and training. Sean Dyche reminds us of Chris Hughton, whose training regime was an uninspiring, unsophisticated plod. Similarly, Dyche has no time for fancy dan stuff like effective attacking moves, because that would require some imagination.
That's five things Sean Dyche is not very good at - selection, tactics, the basics, training and imagination. It goes without saying
that he is the least imaginative manager in the Premier League. Doing and saying the same things over and over again leaves no room for development and leads to disengagement with players and fans.
Six. That's six things Sean Dyche is not very good at - selection, tactics, the basics, training and engagement. Do you remember how Steve Cooper and Nuno used to engage with the players? Because they had personality, and because they seemed to treat the players like family. All that warmth has gone. Dyche does not seem to engage on an emotional level at all. He does not inspire closeness or confidence. All he inspires is mucous.
That's seven things Sean Dyche is not very good at - selection, tactics, the basics, training, engagement and inspiration. When Forest were two nil down, you might expect a blazing half time pep talk, a change of tactics, even a change of personnel. We had to take the game to Leeds, didn't we? We had to stop them bullying us, didn't we? We got nothing, except the timid concession of a third goal. And all because Dyche is as inspiring as a bag of cement.
And that's it. Seven things Sean Dyche is not very good at - selection, tactics, the basics, training, engagement and inspiration
You could add other things, like leadership, or oiling his head with snot, but that would be your business. And besides, one or two good things did arise from the Leed shambles. Netz looked reliable. Lucca scored a beautiful goal. There was some fight left towards the end. And we did think of an amusing headline: Lucca Netz Consolation For Forest.
Yes, we've turned to the dark side...
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Villa 3
Wet Hams 1
Arsenal 0
Anderson 90+4
Bentford 0
Now then, this could be the start of something very promising, with Jesus beginning to bang them in, McAtee coming out of his coma, Ndoye leaving full backs on their bums, Yates doing a Maradona, Sangare bossing midfield, and all sorts of confidence building stuff.
Palearse 1
Leed 3